Do you ever get cold feet? I do.

RKwedding2011

My ex husband left me when we divorced.  I'm to be married in August 2011. I get cold feet at times.  I love my fiance. I'm starting to realize that I am afraid of marriage.

My ex was nice to me until we got married. We divorced 8 years ago, he left me.  3 years ago I had a horrible thing happen to me.  I was courted by a guy that I trusted. He went to church 3 days a week.  I went to church and practiced purity. This guy courted me for a year. We married.  6 days after we married, he left me, kicked me and my daughter out of the home we shared. He had also convinced me to quite my job before we got married. I found out he had a girlfriend out of state.  He traveled often for his work.

When I met my fiance I let him know my story.  I let him know that I was afraid of marriage.  We've had a good relationship.  I live with him. We get along well most of the time.  The small amount of times when we don't see eye to eye, I worry that my fiance is going to leave me after we marry.  

  I wish I didn't get cold feet. Most of the time I feel happy and positive about getting married.  I didn't realize that I was still afraid of getting married.

Katie

mmhepb

Have you spoken with a counselor about this?  I would suggest you seek some profession help with this before you marry again.  You need to figure out if this is just feat that history will repeat or if this is truly a gut feeling type of thing.  

If you are able to work through these fears with some guidance before August, it will help you and your FI to start on a better foot.  Planning a wedding and the blending of two lives can be stressful enough, but adding fear to that could be dangerous for your physical and emotional health.

RKwedding2011

Thanks for your words!

  I didn't realize that I still felt this way. My fiance and I get along great. We have had no big problems.  I'll talk to him about this.  I don't have insurance for a counselor.  However, I went through 3 years of counseling after I had been divorced (2nd time if that counts as a marriage at all).  My fiance has been real kind and patient about it.  I suppose I should look at it this way:  It is good for me to be cautious after what I have been through.  However, I don't want to shut myself off from a good thing either. I rarely get cold feet. This is the first time I have really felt this way since being engaged. It scared me that I felt this way. I'm wondering if any other divorced women feel this way at times.

Katie

right1thistime

You have good reason to be anxious - you are twice bitten. Are you having a religious wedding/ do you currently belong to a faith community?  That may be a place to seek free counseling.  I normally do not recommend spiritual leaders as counselors, because they can have some unusual personal beliefs that they include in the therapy, and I believe that a counselor should not add their own beliefs into the mix.  However, you sound like you need to get your thoughts/ feelings out in the open.  And you could at least get a start there.  Just be cautious if the religious portion exceeds the counseling portion. Not every spiritual leader actually has counseling training.   
 ~Donna

mmhepb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ever-cold-feet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:8e585964-3cf2-4458-b0d8-9f76581e6e4fPost:561655df-0500-4546-bffe-16c9c7416479">Re: Do you ever get cold feet? I do.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your words!   I didn't realize that I still felt this way. My fiance and I get along great. We have had no big problems.  I'll talk to him about this.  I don't have insurance for a counselor.  However, I went through 3 years of counseling after I had been divorced (2nd time if that counts as a marriage at all).  My fiance has been real kind and patient about it.  I suppose I should look at it this way:  <strong>It is good for me to be cautious </strong>after what I have been through.  However,<strong> I don't want to shut myself off from a good thing either</strong>. I rarely get cold feet. This is the first time I have really felt this way since being engaged. It scared me that I felt this way. I'm wondering if any other divorced women feel this way at times. Katie
Posted by RKwedding2011[/QUOTE]

<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">THIS!  Hopefully you were somewhat cautious before accepting his proposal.  I do understand the nervousness some, but mine occurred before I started dating again, then a bit when I met FI and things started to get serious.  My ex left me in a bad place emotionally, and it took me almost 7 years before I started dating again.  But now, I'm so glad I took that first big, hard dating step!!!</div></div>

RKwedding2011

My fiance and I talked about this with a counselor at our marriage class.  They said it is normal to be concerned. If I wasn't there would be something wrong.  I want to be married forever with my soon to be husband.  It really helped to talk about it.  I don't feel that way now.  I just wondered if anyone ever worried about this, especially since many of us have been divorced. I'm so thankful that I have such a wonderful relationship with my fiance. I can tell him anything.  We are best friends for life.  He assured me that he wants to stay together forever and to not worry.  I feel better!