Is it stress?

fireytiger

I'm now under the 2 month mark for my wedding countdown (eep!) and I don't know if it's stress over everything or what, but I feel like FI keeps pissing me off CONSTANTLY. Overall we've both been under a TON of stress for the last year and it seems to be neverending. Right now we're having a lot of financial issues because when I made my job transition, it did NOT go smoothly at all and for an entire month, I had almost zero income (I think the entire month of April, I made 60 dollars from my job and like 150 in secret shops out of desperation). The wedding is getting closer, I've had my whole family with exception of my dad and grandma decline to attend my wedding, which broke my heart. FI isn't doing so well health-wise, his surgery will be in October and we're expecting him to be out of work for at LEAST a month, if not two (thankfully he has short term disability at work so he'll be getting paid for fulltime that entire period with exception of the first 7 days).

But as I said, I feel like FI is constantly pissing me off, and i'm not sure if it's a red flag that maybe there's a problem with him or a problem with me, or if it's just that my stress is at it's limit and i'm finding fault in every little thing because of it. For example, yesterday he stayed home from work sick (which of course set the stage for stress mode because he lost another day of pay and we already can't pay the bills, but it was an unspoken stress). I asked him if he wanted to come with me to pay his car payment, because it HAD to get done yesterday. He said no, so I pulled up mapquest directions to the bank (because neither of us had been there before) and told him I've left these directions here on the screen. I'm going to call you and ask you to read them to me so I can make sure i'm going the right way. He said okay. I drive off, and when it comes time to call him... he was too absorbed in a video game he was playing to answer the phone. I got lost, FINALLY managed to find my way to the bank and pay his bill, and I came home livid and went off on him for it.

Sometimes I find myself rolling my eyes or getting annoyed at behaviors he's always exhibited, being goofy or saying ridiculous things just to "see if i'm paying attention". Last night he'd managed to rile me up so much throughout the day that we did cuddle before going to sleep, but I was so annoyed with him that I didn't feel like replying to him when he said "I love you".

I'm honestly worried, because in my first marriage, we bickered all the time in the months before the wedding, but I wrote it off as stress. But it didn't stop after the wedding, in fact it got worse. And I'm so scared that the same thing is going to happen here. I don't know how to tell the difference between bickering because of stress, and bickering because it's not working out. Please help me feel better about this

Avion22

Sounds like stress to me. 

The first step is recognize when you are feeling stressed or iritable, then make sure that you acknowledge this feeling before you interact with people.  I get stressed a lot, and I find it helpful to tell FI, "You know, I'm feeling really stressed out right now because of work.  I love you."   Then he knows a) that I'm not mad at him, and b) to cut me a little bit of slack.   

Just take some deep breaths and rememeber that while it's okay to feel stressed out, you need to acknowledge it before you accidentally take it out on people:-) 

mybooboos

I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time.  As PP stated, it sounds like stress to me too!  Yes, I would have been very annoyed too, if I was doing my FI a favor by paying his bill, and he couldn't stop playing video games to assist me with the directions(!), but it sounds like it's a bunch of little things building up.  You have to decide that, If your financial security was better, would a lot of these things continue to bother you to the degree that they are - although it seems like all the things that are bothering you are financially related (job, pay, surgery, etc).

If your frustration/stress is over money, than it due to financial circumstances, which can change, and not due to his character flaws, personality - which can't change.  Therefore, if the money situation was resolved, he would still be the same man you fell in love with...so is that the person you still want to marry?  If yes, than it's mostly money related stress issues, which are temporary.

You need to let him know what's going on with you, regarding the stress, and let him know what he can do to help you, and what he does to frustrate you (I'm still back on the whole "he didn't answer the phone" thing!). Communication is crucial at this stage.

Good luck!

becunning2

I'm actually not as certain that it's just stress.  I mean, it IS definitely related to stress, but you're so upset right now that you don't want to tell your FI that you LOVE him.  Isn't that why you're getting married?  Every relationship goes through ups and downs and can be difficult, but I'm not even getting the vibe that you like him.  Sure, you're stressed and ranting, but you have to STOP yourself from rolling your eyes at him. Bad news, yo!

I'd suggest two books that can offer a lot of insight into whether this is stress, premarital nerves, or indicative of larger issues in your relationship:

Book #1:  Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.  (AWESOME book!)
Book #2:  Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (Good book--and why I'm worried this is something more than just stress since it seems to me like you're expressing contempt for your FI as Gottman describes it).

Good luck.  It's never easy, but I hope you figure out what you want.  And if that's realizing you want to marry your FI and that this is just a rough patch, then GREAT.  If that's realizing this isn't what you want, better now than after a wedding.

fireytiger

Well, to be honest, when i'm angry or upset with my S.O., one of my biggest pet peeves is when he says "I love you" knowing i'm upset, because while I love him, I don't exactly LIKE him very much at that particular moment. It's not because I don't love him ever, it's just that to me, "I love you" is something that's said when you're in a loving mood, not in a pissed off one. That's not just with my FI, that's been across the board. My first husband used to use it as a form of emotional blackmail. We'd be having a fight, he'd get me all pissed me off and then go "I love you!" and expect me to go from being totally pissed off, to being all smiles out of nowhere and go "Oh, I love you so much too!" and when I didn't, he'd start crying and whining about how I didn't really love him, and then tell EVERYONE about how I didn't say "I love you" when he did, omitting the important little detail that the REASON was that I was angry at the time.

I admit that the rolling the eyes is immature and inappropriate, that's a failing of my own. Maybe it was hard to see it in my original post, but I do actually love my FI. It's extremely hard sometimes though, he has a congenital heart condition and so his health fluctuates. When it turns for the worse, sometimes he's a completely different person as far as personality. He can be over the top goofy and doesn't recognize boundaries (for example, that jokingly grabbing my boobs in front of his parents or in public is kind of a poor idea), or he can be extremely irritable. Seeing as his heart condition is worsening, he's almost constantly in uber silly mode, at which point he can REALLY push my buttons and get me riled up, because I tell him to stop doing X inappropriate thing and he doesn't. Never anything BAD (like hitting me or being mean or anything) but just obnoxious.

Sarahkayfa

It sound as if you're under enormous stress. It would help to talk to someone about it if you can. I don't know what your religious background is, but it might be helpful to have some individual pastoral counseling and some premarital counseling---or a secular version thereof. Hopefully the financial stuff will start to improve as your job becomes more stable. I'd recommend the book, 'For Better.' since you mentioned eye rolling. 

It references some studies that show eye rolling as strong predictor for divorce. I don't want to overload you, but you want to go into into your marriage in the healthiest place possible emotionally. 

lindaloulubbock

First of all, I think feeling stress in this situation is totally appropriate and normal.  You are obviously under a tremendous amount of stress, and unfortunately, it's not all wedding-related.

I think most couples fight more or feel more relationship angst when their under stress, but life is stress.  Somteimes it's big stress (your FIs medical condition) sometimes it's little stress (getting lost on the way to the bank), but the thing is--if you can't love and comfort one another through stressful times, sustaining a long term happy, healthy relationship with one another is going to be difficult. For me, I need constant reassurance when I'm stressed.  For FI, he needs quiet alone time.  When we're both stressed we have to try and strike a balance where we're both getting what we need from each other and also getting what we need for ourselves.  That's tough!

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Lisa50

You are under stress, no question.  Between your FI's health issues and your job issues, family issues/drama re: wedding attendance, and everything else described in this post, you are under extreme stress. 

From my perspective (as one who is under extreme stress as well), if you and your FI aren't coming closer together -- or at least working together to support one another during increasingly stressful times -- it IS a big red flag. 

Maybe the suggested books will help.  But I tell ya, if I were not getting (and giving) great support, I would not move forward.  Marrriage is complex, as you know, so there are no easy answers.  Listen to your gut, babe.  If the gut is screaming "run" then, at the very least, give yourself a chance to step back and take stock.

Good luck!

becunning2

Holy fruitcake--grabbing your breasts in front of your parents is NOT okay.  Ever.  Nor is the emotional blackmail.  Since emotional blackmail seems to be a trend between your first marriage and this relationship, I definitely suggest you think carefully about whether or not your FI is someone you can depend upon.  Only you can make that decision!  But it seems like it's something you should do some serious soul-searching on.  I'm sorry your FI health and your financial situation is so difficult, but if your relationship can't make it through in one piece through difficult times before you get married, marriage won't cure that either.

fireytiger

Hmm... my gut isn't really screaming "run" so I guess that's one good thing (It's actually just screaming "URRRRRGGHHHHHHH" about everything lol). We are good about working together to put out one fire after another together, but at the same time I think maybe the constant putting out of fires is really taking its toll? The irritation with FI doesn't come necessarily when something happens that causes major stress (like missing work, or being sick and needing surgery). For those things, when he misses work I tell him "It's okay, your health is more important than the money right now, we'll work it out." It's usually the stupid little stuff like him picking at me in a joking manner, or not thinking something through before he blurts it out, or forgetting to get his cellphone so he can actually hear me calling, that riles me up. But that's not just him either, when i'm under extreme stress and, say, FMIL calls and starts telling me off because of some inane thing, I have a tendency to snap at her rather than just taking a deep breath and calmly discussing it. I guess that puts it in perspective for me. I definitely have my father's temper.

I actually was seeing a therapist for awhile, to work through a lot of my personal issues, and it was helping. But then financially we fell apart, insurance doubled the copay for visits, and between everything else going on there was no way we could afford for me to see her anymore. I'd like to go back to her but again, until after FI's surgery there's literally no way we can afford it so I'm not sure. I really appreciate everyone's advice and help here. It's given me a lot to think about.

ETA: He doesn't grab my breasts in front of MY parents, it's at his parents' house. Not that it changes much. And he isn't the one who emotionally blackmails, that was my ex husband. I think in FI's case, he may not realize how irritated I actually am at that particular moment when he says it, but he doesn't start crying about it or freaking out if I don't say it back right then. He just goes "oh, you must still be upset. I'm sorry." I was just explaining the context of WHY I may not feel like replying with "I love you" at certain points.

Lisa50

Listen to your gut ... try to tamp down the outside chatter. 

Perhaps "run" was not the right word.  But, if you're feeling this behavior (yours and FI's) might be a warning sign of things going downhill in your pending marriage, then you should heed that feeling.  How much would it hurt (financially) to postpone the wedding for a year?  How much would it hurt, emotionally, if you go ahead now and realize, in a year, that you've made a mistake?

Of course, I don't have any answers but the questions deserve answers -- yours and your FI's.  If you get the feeling you might be making a mistake or repeating parts of a not-so-happy past, you deserve to give yourself a chance to take a step back, pause and do some intensive soul-searching.  And, it cannot hurt to get your FI to ask/answer some of the same questions; you may learn a lot as he reveals his perspective.

I wish you the very best.  Good luck!

MikesAngie

Communication is key and communicating honestly is the best. It's also best to bring issues up when you are not angry but have had a little time to think them through.

You have a lot of stresses going on right now, financial, emotional and his health - none of which help.  If he's listening to and supporting you and you are doing the same then you can grown beyond what is going on right now.

It sounds to me like you are rethinking the burden of the relationship with someone who has health issues that affect his personality.  You had stated a while ago that you realize you tend to rescue people - perhaps with his surgery looming you're feeling like you can't rescue him and so now his behaviors are irritating you.

I agree with Lisa talk with your FI and find out what his perspective is, it may surprise you.

fireytiger

Well, I agree that I seem to have a "savior" complex. But I feel differently here. I admit I tend to automatically jump to the conclusion "It's not working out" quickly, because after my ex husband I see disaster where none exists. A lot of you have lost your first husbands to divorce so you know what I mean when I say, once burned twice shy. I'm getting married, but I feel like i'm walking off the edge of a cliff, thinking of all the "what ifs".

As far as his health goes, I'm also a little skittish about spending my life dealing with FI's heart condition on a regular basis, but a lot of that has more to do with my fear of doctors and medical procedures, than it does with FI. At the same time while i'm scared of it, I don't feel like I could go back to NOT having to deal with it, if that makes sense. It's become a part of me to automatically think about what pills he needs refills on, calling doctors and hospitals and insurance companies to make sure everything's taken care of. Always thinking of new things with his health condition that I may not know that I can ask. Heck, I wouldn't even be working in a pharmacy now if it weren't for FI, because I wouldn't have considered working there, and I wouldn't have had the connections I did to get in there. This all is an integral part of my life now.

The more I think about it, I'm not seeing any of the red flags that I did with my ex husband or my other exes. The only thing i'm seeing is that he can act a little childish at times, but then again so can I. We have the same priorities in life, we make a great team, I can tell that he would NEVER hurt me intentionally (although he does accidentally say things without thinking them through sometimes). And obviously we can handle serious bumps in the road after everything we've had to deal with the last year and a half. I think it's finally all just wearing me down now, there's only so much a person can take before they just break. And i've always had this failing of being overly sensitive to people's actions and words when i'm under a great deal of stress.

To be perfectly honest, as I sit and think about it all, the problem isn't with the relationship and the problem isn't really with FI. I think the problem is really with me. I've never learned how to communicate well, I inherited my dad's short temper, and i'm under a lot of stress which my default response while stressed is to shut down or explode. Which all of that is a really bad mix. I think i'm going to sit down with FI here in the next couple days, once I finish taking a good hard look at myself, and talk to him. I think it would help to get his perspective on how things have been lately, and how he thinks we can resolve some of these issues that are cropping up.

becunning2

Great self reflection!  I'd suggest trying to find someone more affordable (a community health clinic with sliding scales for example, or counseling center at a university) to talk through some of what you'd like to focus on for yourself. 

fireytiger

I talked to FI a bit, and he thinks that I'm being overly sensitive, and things are not as bad as I think. He says he thinks i'm seeing red flags that aren't really there, because i'm so stressed. He feels that any time i've gone off on him was legitimate, and I wasn't over the top about it. He also agrees that right now, part of the trouble is that we are so extremely stressed out, and he's getting sicker, so i'm having to take over part of his share of responsibilities because he's not able to. He says he feels that I am handling everything very well, considering everything that's going on. I still feel like I'm in need of some self reflection though, to figure out WHY i'm reacting the way I do and how to fix it. Just wanted to let you know what FI's thoughts were.

lindaloulubbock

I handle stress in the same way.  I've spend the las two days crying my eyes out because I don't want a shower, and despite beggin FI to have his mom keep it a secret, she told me about it on Sunday.  Obviously having to go to a shower is not the reason I've been crying so much.  It's just the accumuated stress of EVERYTHING that is causing me breakdown and second guess everything (like my friendships and where we live and my career and my wedding dress and the photographer). 

I know things are hectic right now, but are you getting regular exercise?  I always find that walking, running, or yoga (check out hulu) help me to be more focused and in control of myself when I'm super stressed. 

fireytiger

No, I haven't been, and I should be. Although I did go walk around the mall the other day, probably about 2-3 miles' worth of walking. And with my job i'm on my feet running around now, as opposed to my old job where I was sitting on my bum all day. :P It usually does help me relieve stress too, so I don't know why I hadn't thought to exercise more.