Bad mommy! Bad, bad mommy! NWR

Marrin713

Hopefully those of you with the older kids/adult kids will understand.  My son is 28 and has been with his fiance for about 4 years (2 yrs "engaged" & living together).  Unfortunately they lost their home this fall and had to move.  She moved back with her parents in the suburbs and he moved into a small apartment in the building his dad owns in the city.

Background:  I don't know why but my son seems to latch on to these emotionally unstable women......each one is more unstable than the next and I am scared to death to see who the next one will be - - - possibly a relative of Lizzie Borden's.  His current "fiance" is on and off her meds, she also has severe premenstrual syndrome and their fights have been epic.  As far as I know, they have not come to blows physically but the mental and emotional abuse she heaps on him (and I daresay he heaps some on her as well) is astounding.  And coming from a background of emotional and verbal abuse, I just cringe.  For some reason, they always pulled me into their fights because he would call me to talk and then she'd get wind that he was talking to me and then she'd start screaming in the background.

Anyway, since they've been apart physically, I am getting the vibe from my son's phone calls that he doesn't see all that much of her.  I ask how's P doing? and he'll say "okay I guess."  And he started classes at a city college and he's really enjoying city life even tho he has to live in the same building as his father

Am I a bad mom to hope (and pray) that things just kind of cool off betw them?  I know that son really needs to work on why he's attracted to these loose cannons, and he does see a therapist although not for that as far as I know, but I'd really like him to explore it with his therapist.  Of course, I may be reading too much into the situation as I am wont to do.  For all I know she may be moving into his little apartment as I type this

loriandedwin

I don't think wanting a healthy relationship for your son make you a bad mother.  All you can do is support him in whatever he descides to do and hope he makes good life choices.

Marrin713

Oh Lori.....how to explain?  Since junior high, this kid has been making some not-so-good life choices.  And girls/women are a part of these poor choices.  I think he's got some sort of savior complex.  I'm just hoping that this move to the city will be a positive for him.  He's back in college which is wonderful!  And with the time spent away from the fiance, perhaps he'll reflect on some things.  Lately his phone calls have been a little more upbeat.  We're out in the western suburbs of the city so about an hour away by the Metra train so it's not like I can see him as much as I'd like to and esp since his father lives in the same building.  But I'm hoping he'll come spend a weekend with me and T and I can really sit down and talk with him.

thealphabride

To answer your question: hell to the NO, you aren't a bad mom to hope for the best for your son!!!!

Marrin713

Alph - I just feel "bad" for wishing and hoping this relationship comes to an end.  I remember how I felt when my parents weren't exactly jumping for joy when my xH and I decided to get married.

MikesAngie

Marrin you are not a bad mom at all!!  It's good parenting skills to want and wish the best for your children.  Hopefully he and his therapist will talk about his life choices including the women he is drawn to.

Marrin713

That's my hope too Ang.  He's got a huge heart, but like women who always think they can change a man, he seems to think he can "help."  I suppose with P, just making sure she stays on meds would be a help.  I do have give her her props tho.  When things started going bad for them financially a year ago, she stuck it out with him.

Sue-n-Kevin

NOT BAD MOMMY!!!!!

It's hard to watch our kids make poor choices and be silent, which in the end is the best way to handle it IMO. Because I raised my son alone (he'll be 24 on the 16th), I was the only person other than friends he could turn to. He made some poor choices in women, but to his credit (and perhaps mine), he never allowed the relationship to define him, something women do a LOT. I kept repeating "You are not who you date, but who you are inside". Lucky for me he's graduating with his Masters in May, and while he has a galpal he wishes would be more than just a friend, he's handled it pretty well and backed off and they are still friends.

You can wish all you want, and by inquiring into how she is, you let him know you are interested. By not bashing his choices, but perhaps making delicate comments like how much more upbeat he sounds, how proud you are that he's back in college and getting his priorities straight, you are "molding" his self esteem and letting him know what a REAL woman is like when she's supportive and kind.

I read an article a long time ago that said young men choose women like their Moms, but so do girls.

You are wishing for the best, and doing what you can to make the best happen for him. Good luck.

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_bad-mommy-bad-bad-mommy-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:909f5c42-5766-4e86-b824-76ba26a1677aPost:403ee9a2-772f-4c1f-9023-84ac7daa48bf">Re: Bad mommy! Bad, bad mommy! NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]NOT BAD MOMMY!!!!! It's hard to watch our kids make poor choices and be silent, which in the end is the best way to handle it IMO. Because I raised my son alone (he'll be 24 on the 16th), I was the only person other than friends he could turn to. He made some poor choices in women, but to his credit (and perhaps mine), he never allowed the relationship to define him, something women do a LOT. I kept repeating "You are not who you date, but who you are inside". Lucky for me he's graduating with his Masters in May, and while he has a galpal he wishes would be more than just a friend, he's handled it pretty well and backed off and they are still friends. You can wish all you want, and by inquiring into how she is, you let him know you are interested. By not bashing his choices, but perhaps making delicate comments like how much more upbeat he sounds, how proud you are that he's back in college and getting his priorities straight, you are "molding" his self esteem and letting him know what a REAL woman is like when she's supportive and kind. <strong><em>I read an article a long time ago that said young men choose women like their Moms, but so do girls.</em></strong> You are wishing for the best, and doing what you can to make the best happen for him. Good luck.
Posted by Sue-n-Kevin[/QUOTE]

OMG Sue!  But she and I do share some characteristics.

I try not to dig too much into what's going on.  I hear more from his "other mother," my best friend, who is like a mother to him as well.  I think he confides a little more in her because she'll give a pretty much unbiased opinion.

handfast4me

As the mom of a 25 year old, I agree with the others--it's perfectly acceptable that you wish the best in a relationship for your son.  I think where it crosses the line is when parents deliberately sabatoge a relationship, or don't fully support their grown children, no matter how hard it is, especially when you know they're making the wrong choices.

I totally went off the deep end for a few hours when my daughter told me she was pregnant (they were engaged, but the wedding wasn't supposed to occur for 6 more months).  I didn't say anything to her, but secretly hoped she'd end the pregnancy.  But, I kept my mouth shut, and let her make the decision.  They chose to move up the wedding, and I now have an adorable granddaughter. Would I have made that same decision? NOPE.  But that was up to them, and although they're struggling financially now and have much more limited options, they have to live with their decisions, and I will support them with that, too. 

This parenting thing is tough.  Too bad they don't come with instructions, eh? 

right1thistime

After I got divorced, my uncle said to me, "I wish your father were alive to see this, he never liked xh"  I just looked at my uncle and said,"Why didn't he say something."  Uncle: "Would you have listened?"  me: "probably not, but it would have taken away some of the worry I had about disappointing him over the years." 

My point in recounting the story is, if you have the opportunity to have a heart to heart with your son, and can tell him how you feel without disrespecting his GF, it make make an impact -- either on the present or the future. 

I agree with handfast- you can't try to sabotage a relationship, but wanting him to find his way to a healthy, happy relationship is NOT bad mommy.  ~Donna

fireytiger

I would say coming from the opposite perspective, (I don't happen to have any children of my own yet), that sometimes it's honestly just better to be a little detached from it. You can care, you can have your feelings about what you hope happens. That doesn't make you a bad mother. That line, like handfast said, is drawn when you try to involve yourself in it by voicing your opinions of the relationship, because that's when you end up looking bad no matter what.

When I went through my divorce, I got to see both sides of how a parent can choose to handle it when their child is going through relationship trouble. My mother chose to actively involve herself in the divorce, at first to try and "fix" the relationship, and then to drive a wedge between us by "actively listening to both sides" and then sharing her "findings" with both parties, which just caused fights all around. I thought it was the worst feeling in the world, was having my mother involving herself in the most humiliating and painful experience in my life (and making it worse, to boot!) Every time she came back with one of her opinions on the situation, it made it even more hurtful.

My dad, however, kept out of it totally. He told me from the beginning, he had his feelings about the situation but he was keeping them to himself, we are both adults and we were the ones who eventually had to figure out what to do in our relationship. It didn't matter what he thought, or what anyone else thought, or whose "side" someone was on. The only thing that mattered was how we decided to handle it. It was one of the hardest things he had to do though, was to stand to the side and watch me fight my own battles. But it was probably the best thing he could have done. He wanted what was best for me, but he let me find that out for myself.

And btw, I know what you mean by the "savior complex" your son has, because I am one of those people all the way, lol. I am definitely the kind of person that gets into relationships with the anything-but-simple people, the ones that are different, some with disabilities that hinder them. For example, my ex was learning disabled, he graduated high school in special ed classes, with a 2nd grade reading level. I had to teach him how to read so he could get into the military. My current FI has a heart condition (born with 9 congenital cardiac defects that had to be repaired through several surgeries) that limits him in some ways. I don't do it because I think I can "fix" them, but I do have a soft spot for the ones that aren't 100% self sufficient and "need" me, I guess you could say. But my FI is a total prince of a man, he treats me wonderfully, and his disability does not prevent him from being a great person. I think your son may find someone eventually that fits what he wants (someone who needs his help) but isn't a total basketcase. Give it time.

Marrin713

Thanks ladies ♥ 

I'm feeling okay about the situ.  I am keeping a detachment from them and just keeping conversations focused on him moving forward with school and new opportunities in the city.

R1TT - I remember my mom and dad saying they didn't care much for xH toward the end of my marriage esp when they saw firsthand how much his drinking had progressed.  I was a little shocked because they managed to hide it well.