Guest List Hijacking - Vent (long)

MikesAngie

Oh ladies I hate to even bother you with this because really I should just suck it up and be thrilled, but my FMIL has hijacked the guest list and yes my FI is allowing it.  He's so sweet about it, he's offered to pare down his co-workers and friends to accomodate his family and old family friends.  See what I mean about this being treated as though it's a first wedding?

I am thrilled that my FMIL wants to make sure that I'm integrated into the family and extended family as I was her pseudo-duaghter when I was a teenager, and that she is excited that her son and I are getting married. I just wish she understood our budget is set, yes we have been clear about that, but the guest list keeps growing. 

Actually to keep me from freaking out completely the FI took over management of the guest list, so when I saw it last night I almost panicked - okay I did panic hence this post.  We have only purchased enough card stock for a total of 80 invitations (which would be at 2 guest per, 160 guests yikes!) our current count of invitations is 54 and growing and some of those are families of 4!  Okay I will breathe now... and try to remember that at least 20% of them will not show up.

I remember when we started planning we were thinking we would be hard pressed to come up with 72 people who would attend now I'm wondering where we're going to put them all.

It could be worse I know, the FMIL could be less than please and pissy about the wedding and the FI's family could be refusing to attend. So really we're lucky to have all this family love and support.  I'm just panicked about what then end count could be...

Thanks for taking the time to read this and letting me vent.

deepcovejackie

Ooooo tricky.  I would say don't absolutely count on 20% not showing.  Make sure your budget and your venue can accomodate your entire guest list.  You have nearly a year to go, which is good.

Did you know FI earlier, and then re-meet him again later?  That's what happened with my FI and I.  We were friends in high school, and now nearly 30 years later, we're engaged.  We re-met 2 years ago through facebook.

I have kind of the same problem, except it's FI who keeps adding to the guest list.  At this rate, our entire grad class will be there!

MikesAngie

Deepcovejackie, here's our story:

My FI met when we were sophomores (at 15) in high school dated, broke-up, became best friends, remained best friends (long distance and all) until we were 21.  The FI was in the Army, and to be stationed in Germany he drove 8 hours to where I was at the time and proposed I had to say no, because of my situation at the time.  The Army did not forward my letters, and I thought he got them and was too hurt to contact me again. We lost touch.  I found out at our 10 year high school reunion that he was married so I then decided to move on as well. 

At what would have been our 20 year high school reunion the organizer asked if my FI could have my email address.  We started a very plutonic email relationship as we were both married to other people and very respectful of those relationships.  He attended our reunion, I didn't my XH wouldn't allow me to go he was too insecure.

Interestly enough our respective marriages ended close to the same time in 2008, we reunited in 2009 and are planning our wedding for 2011. 

MikesAngie

Deepcovejackie, congratulations on meeting your man again - I apologize for not saying that sooner!  Sounds like we're all close in age too!  Congratulations on your upcoming wedding as well!

deepcovejackie

OMG!  Very close to my story, but we never dated in hs.  He had a girlfriend when I moved there in Grade 12.  He had a crush on me then, but never acted on it.  We went to university together and stayed friends, while dating other people.  Including two sets of siblings!  How weird is that?  He dated the sister and I dated the brother-twice, with two different families.

We spoke at our 20 year reunion, and he told me about his crush kind of jokingly.  I was still married at the time.  Flash forward, facebook grad site, and now we're engaged.  Phew, long story.

Congrats to you too.

Marrin713

Interesting stories you two!

As far as guest list problem is concerned, I dunno what you would do about.  I am not counting on 20% not showing as everyone has responded with a yes to the Save The Dates (I refuse to use STD as an acronym - - - oops, just did).  And somewhere in the back of my mind I know that we are forgetting some people.

mzkynd

hopping in here i have the opposite problem, this is my 2nd marriage, his first, and we just moved back to his hometown. all of my friends and family are far away or live overseas and so my part  of the  guest lists is tiny compared to his side. i am trying to not stress over it and take it as it comes. at least i am lucky enough that my BF is flying up, and my sister and brother can make it, but that is about it and the rest is all his family and friends.

right1thistime

Angie - As you stated, you could have the opposite problem.  But if you are REALLY concerned over the guest list, or the cost, or the venue- just remember that "no" is a complete sentence.   If you are just venting, and are ok (not thrilled, but you can live with it) as things are, then letting it continue will be fine.

I just advise caution, because sometimes once that train leaves the station, there's no stopping it, and next thing you know she'll be choosing the menu, the linens and writing the vows.  ~Donna

MikesAngie

Right1, thank you.  So here's a funny for you yesterday afternoon my FI IM's me and needs our officiant's last name (yes we have all of our major vendors selected and deposits paid now!!!).  I tell him and ask why apparently the FMIL was attempting to have one of her friends officiate for us "to help with our budget".  I love my FMIL she's wonderful, but I am also glad that the FI is dealing with her on certain topics.

It's hilarious to me that you mentioned the menu and vows when she was trying to have a family friend officiate for us.  The FMIL lives in another state or we would have a lot more "help" in planning.  Part of the issue is that the FMIL had only sons, so with my being the pseudo-daughter in my teens she really wants to be involved as a Mother would  and I totally understand that, I think that I need to come up with ideas to help keep her "busy".

Thank you for letting me vent, the FI appreciates it too since it keeps me from venting to him.  I have him getting me a Save the Date count today, so that he understands why I am attempting to contain the guest list.  He's never done any of this before so it's all new to him.

dmiller9274

I think giving the FMIL some small tasks is a great idea.  That way she will know how much you love and appreciate her, and she'll feel needed as far as the planning.  Maybe that will help her keep her hands off the guest list.  Good Luck!!


deepcovejackie-looking at your siggy pic, I would never ever imagine that you would be going to a 20 yr reunion.....You look fabulous!!!

arv266

dmiller -- for my first wedding my XMIL was involved in every single aspect of the planning, she too had 3 sons and no daughters.  I was young, admired her greatly, and would do anything to please her.  With her help and assistance we went from having the christmas wedding of our dreams, to a mud summer wedding.  Instead of being married in our college chapel, we moved it to the X's church, again based on her suggestion... Flowers, invites, music, colors, reception site, reception menu, photographer.  Now granted, my mother passed when I was 21 and I was thrilled to have her help me, but looking back on that time, she ran the show and that wedding was never "mine".    She was by no means a monster in law, but once that train started moving, it was impossible for me to get on it.  Her "suggestions" and assistance didnt end at the wedding, and I will have to say that her influence in our marriage was one of the reasons it didnt weather the storm.  Figure out the things that are important to you and hold fast to them.  Let her know that you appreciate all her help, but planning this wedding is a joy for you and you want to savor the moments. 

Now... fast forward to planning for the wedding to my prince charming... we started with a guest list of 20 which was just immediate family of children, parents, siblings, nieces and nephews...  We are now up to 75 and counting... My wondering FI keeps adding more of my extended family to the list -- he doesnt want to exclude any one on my side and wants for me to have the people that I love most for our day. 

MikesAngie

Thank you ladies for all your support and for letting me vent to you about my guess list hijacking.  We talked about the over all size the guest list has gotten to be and my wonderful FI decided that he would take another look at his coworkers and pare it down to those he feels are essential.  He doesn't want the guest list to be over 100, not counting our little family of three. He is so awesome.

And he also told my FMIL that our wedding was not the time or the place for a full on family reunion.  He agreed to invite family members that he knows and interacts with, not second and third cousins that he only knows their name.

Again thank you for letting me vent!

arv266

So happy to hear that it has all worked out!!! Wishing you the best!

bklyn0671

I thought I was going nuts... We were talking about the guest list, somehow its now up to 150 people. I had a meltdown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. There is no way in hell its going to happen. This is my second wedding his first and I am just going crazy. This is going to be monotnus and I am crashing under the pressure. Between going to try on a dress, picking out flowers, table linens, a cake I dont feel like it.  I finally asked him who are we having this wedding for?.  He was taken aback with my question.  This is not my first time at this rodeo, yes I got married at the courthouse the first time and was married 15yrs.  My fiance and I met at 19  were great friends.. lost touch connected again 20 years later and here we are.  This is stressing me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. But 150 people plus the people they invite Lord help me so yes I feel your pain.

Marrin713

Bklyn - chill honey.  How much time do you have before wedding?  Who is adding all these extras & have invites gone yet?  What were your original numbers?  Take a good hard look at your list and be brutal.  Have a Come to Jesus talk to whomever is adding people you and he don't necessarily want.

Lisa50

On the good side (yes, there is a good side as you know), no invitations have been mailed yet.  Correct?

And ... no matter who is managing the list, it is good to put a "HOLD" period between creating/adding to the list and actual mailing.  Maybe, during that interim, a few names could be shaved off (maybe??).  Just a thought ... I'm sure it will all work out.

Breathe.  Relax.  This too shall pass (at least that's what "they" say!).