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Second Weddings
Ken&Cass
member
Is anyone else dealing with this?
As the wedding is drawing closer, I am hearing more and more complaining from my family about the fact that 'it's my second wedding' and I 'shouldn't be making such a big deal about it (i.e. having a ceremony and a reception)'. I'm also being told by my mother that family members are griping about getting me a gift, even though the majority of them didn't get me one last time. They are also complaining that the economy is bad, and it's selfish for my fiance and I to be 'flaunting' money at a time when many people are struggling. It really is disgusting to me, because the main reason we are having a wedding is to get the family together since it rarely happens, and we have tried so hard to keep the event minimalist and low cost for everyone else. We are actually having it out of state so that they can all stay with other family members in the area where we are having it to save them paying for hotels.
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Re: Is anyone else dealing with this?
But I didn't say anything I just had to chalk it up to not everyone is going to be happy with my decisions. I know some people feel that if you had a "big" wedding the first time you should just elope somewhere the 2nd time.
Don't listen to them, have the wedding you want because that is what you and your FI want.
As for the comment about you and your FI being selfish, this is ridiculous. Even in this economy people are still getting married. There are tons of articles about how the wedding industry is recession proof. Couple are scaling back but they are still having nice celebrations.
Congrats and if you can only share the details with people who will not criticize and judge everything you do.
If they can't swing the costs to attend, then they can't attend - it's a wedding invitation, not a subpoena. What an odd complaint. I'm sorry you're having to hear it. Your mom really shouldn't even be burdening you with these alleged complaints (unless they're really her complaints and she's only claiming other people are making them - if that's the case, I really feel for you).
Would a parent scale back their two year old's birthday party festivities just because they had a birthday party the year before?
Guessing that's a huge no...so why take the same attitude towards a second wedding?
Any wedding-regardless if it's your first or fourth-is a celebration of love, and deserves to be treated as so.
That is what I told her when I spoke to her. If they can't afford to make it, they shouldn't come. It isn't required, and neither are gifts! I made sure that she knew that. I still am not sure if the complaints are really anything other then her and my grandmother and she's blaming them on other people or what.
The problem is that my mom is very used to getting her way, and she always lets me know her opinion on things. I should be used to dealing with it but after the third conversation in less then a week on the subject my resistance to her proding seems to have been worn thin.
I can't believe someone commented on someone else getting married in a church. That's just silly!
Thanks for the replies everyone...
I think you need to develop that stare that is talked about on this board and just say yes dear or yes mom oh I understand and skip off on your own way and do your own thing.
Good Luck moms we love them but sometime I love duct tape just as much
my old and favorite silence is golden but duct tape is silver!!!
It goes like this:
dumdee dum question?? OR annoying insulting comment!
eyebrows knit together, lips tightly pulled together slightly downturned corners, nostrils slightly flared, lack of blinking
what?? aren't you going to say anything?
repeat above
no offense...
repeat above
stutter, stammer, hopefully subject change
Handfast has the phrase you can use to put an end to this nonsense as well. And there's always the bean dip answer. (Whenever they start this- you immediately change the subject to bean dip.) ~Donna
[QUOTE]My advice is to perfect the ICY STARE OF DEATH. It has many uses. It works after the wedding, as well as before it. Everytime you use it it gets more powerful. People learn to fear it, and stop asking stupid insulting questions. Its easy and its free. It goes like this: dumdee dum question?? OR annoying insulting comment! eyebrows knit together, lips tightly pulled together slightly downturned corners, nostrils slightly flared, lack of blinking what?? aren't you going to say anything? repeat above no offense... repeat above stutter, stammer, hopefully subject change Handfast has the phrase you can use to put an end to this nonsense as well. And there's always the bean dip answer. (Whenever they start this- you immediately change the subject to bean dip.) ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
<div>Donna,</div><div>In my attempt to perfect my icy stare of death.. I think I gave myself my first wrinkle (between my eyebrows). ;) Thanks!</div><div>
</div><div>Danielle</div>
Maybe you can just ask your mom to please stop sharing the "bad" news. Let her know that you are happy for her to tell folks not to get gifts and, if they are truly uncomfortable, not to come to the wedding. Just be sure to add that they need to let you know of their change of heart(s) ASAP so that you'll have an accurate head count.
This kind of stuff? It's just not worth it!
Good luck!
[QUOTE]<strong><em><u>Would a parent scale back their two year old's birthday party festivities just because they had a birthday party the year before?</u></em></strong> Guessing that's a huge no...so why take the same attitude towards a second wedding? Any wedding-regardless if it's your first or fourth-is a celebration of love, and deserves to be treated as so.
Posted by Scarlet Starlet 31[/QUOTE]
Love this!
I wonder if Prince William and Kate are registered at Target?
[QUOTE]Danielle - if its just the FIRST....you haven't practiced enough OR you don't have teenagers. <sigh />
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
Love this, my lines are getting deeper the teen years are killer on the face!
[QUOTE]Would a parent scale back their two year old's birthday party festivities just because they had a birthday party the year before? Guessing that's a huge no...so why take the same attitude towards a second wedding? Any wedding-regardless if it's your first or fourth-is a celebration of love, and deserves to be treated as so.
Posted by Scarlet Starlet 31[/QUOTE]
Love this and it's so true.
I'm lucky that the only "nonsense" I've heard was from my sister, about having had enough "practice" - and I just laughed her off. Both families including the mouthy sister are happy about our wedding.
We registered, but it's so we get what we can use...yes we're combining two households unfortunately the ex's kept darn near everything in both cases! LOL Nothing like starting from scratch over 40.
Honestly, I cannot see how a sincere invitation to celebrate with you should carry any negative inferences at all.
Our wedding bio page (including vendor reviews) and items for sale
This is certainly a life transition - and you should celebrate it.
and then give the ICY STARE OF DEATH.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Criticism is never welcome, and when it's about a major life event, it hurts even more.
I'm sure the economy is kicking some people's *sses more than others. I like ohwhynot's response, a wedding is not a subpeona to appear. The second birthday is a good analogy as well.
My son had a graduation party when he graduated from high school, and then another 4 years later when he graduated from college. This was not a "gift grab", but a celebration of his accomplishments.
Inform your Mom you are going ahead with your plans. Your explanation that it's a time to get everyone together, since it happens rarely, is very valid. I've heard such meetings called "come to Jesus" meetings....... you do all the talking, explain all your thoughts once and for all, hear her out, then be DONE WITH IT. Nicely explain you no longer want to hear the criticism, the invitations will be sent, and those that choose to attend will. Period.
Good luck.
Since I felt extremely pressured into my first marriage, which FAILED, and it was paid for by our parents and THIS one is being paid for by my fiance and myself, I have absolutely no problem in telling anyone who doesn't like it to KISS IT.
It's my future husband's first marriage, why shouldn't we go all out? My first time around I wanted to get married outside, but I was told I HAD to get married in a church. I feel like this time, I get to do things MY way, with the man I am truly in love with.
Weddings are AWESOME. Don't let any naysayers get you down.
It's easy to say it doesn't bother me when I hear comments like that, but it does. I just try not to dwell on it & figure we're adults, we know what we want & we're the ones paying for the "fancy wedding" they can either come & be happy for us or stay home!
Just an update, I've been practicing the 'stare' on my fiance and my cats in case I need to use it the day of.
Hopefully I won't need to! My email to my mother seems to have quieted the negativity for now.
Thanks!
She constantly makes me feel terrible and guilty about the fact that over 5 years after losing a man I loved more than myself, I've worked up the courage to love someone again. So, yeah, I get it.
For what it's worth, those who have backhanded comments, must not be all that happy in their lives and like to pass it on.
All the PP are right on and
In Response to Re: Is anyone else dealing with this?:
Posted by right1thistime
Love this, my lines are getting deeper the teen years are killer on the face!
It would be nice if people could just realize that life is too short and we should embrace every bit of happiness that comes our way. Isn't that what the game of life is all about, the one who's happiest WINS !