Stressed...& need to vent!

Frady2Be

15 days til the wedding... feeling the stress of different parenting styles and now a possible health issue with my fiance...

His kids can be very spoiled because he is very lenient on them - every time they are at the house they leave a mess in their wake... and *I* am the only one that picks up after them.  My fiance tells me to relax and not be so "uptight" about things, but I have gotten to a point where I hate messes!  But then I remember they are tweens and teens (we have 3 combined) and what I was like at that age - you couldn't find my bed in my room it was under so many clothes!  Still, sometimes I feel resentment toward his kids because of it.  And now, his 14 year old is wetting the bed EVERY NIGHT (he's had an issue since he was young) and comes downstairs after and sleeps on my $2000 couch!!!  Granted he changes his clothes, but the fear that he will do it again while he's there keeps me up nights!  And honestly I know it's not the poor boy's fault, but I am so sick of washing sheets every darn day, on top of picking up all their dirty clothes.  ASking them to help does NO GOOD.  My fiance pipes and tells them to help as well, but they walk all over him... thankfully we have them only a few days a week, but now that my son is there more often they are almost ALWAYS THERE.  And his 11 year old daughter has a mouth like a sailor (she gets that from her mother) and they have no table manners... they chew their food like cows.  They claim it's their braces, but I've seen them chew beFORE their braces... um, yeah - it's not the braces. 

 I really like them - they are good kids, but they are getting on my last nerve!  And now my fiance got a little upset when I told him I was a little tired of washing sheets all the time and why don't they visit his son's pediatrician to see what they can to do help?  Or here's an idea - make sure he pees before bed.  and even better - ENFORCE RULES such as "no drinking after dinner". 

So while dealing with that, I work full time, moved from my little home that I loved to the bigger more convenient one my fiance has, which was a good move, and planned the wedding.  Myself.  And I wanted a simple small gathering, but it has turned into over 100 people.

And now...... my fiance hasn't been feeling well and got some bloodwork done because his doctor suspects a TUMOR.  A TUMOR!  And the bloodwork came back abnormal.  So he had to have a urine test... and we are waiting for the results. 

I'm trying to keep it all together but I'm not doing so well.  I am 40 years old and have finally found the  man of my dreams that I couldn't picture life without... and THIS.  The WORST thing I could have done is go on the internet to search for his suspected type of tumor... it just made it all worse.

All this stress is making me wish his kids weren't around at all - is that horrible?  My son is so different from them - he understands responsibility (they don't), he doesn't chew like a barnyard animal, he is respectful and he knows when I mean business not to push my buttons - I see my fiance's kids walk all over him and right now, with everything going on it makes me want to scream! 

Sloane99

Neither FI or I have kids from any previous relationship so definitely take my advice with a giant grain of salt. That said, I'm sorry to hear about your FI's medical problems, I really hope the results come back okay - waiting for results is always stressful regardless of the circumstances.

In terms of the his kids vs your son situation - is it possible that his kids are picking up on some of your resentment? That has to be hard on them too right now, but I do agree that you and FI need to be on the same page for rules, punishments and priorities and ASAP otherwise it sounds to me like two separate households depending on who you're biologically related to which is not only confusing for the kids but only going to make this situation worse. Does your FI see any of this? If not, a state of the union and possibly counselling needs to happen here.

As for the 14 year-old wetting the bed, that's definitely something to talk to him about or get him in to see a doctor, who can rule out anything medical and perhaps recommend the best course of action for talking to him. I will say though at 14 I think he should be washing his own sheets and all of them should be picking up after themselves. My parents had a rule when I was a teenager that I could have my room in whatever state I wanted to, BUT the rest of the house was for all of us and I would clean and maintain it just as the other members of the household. Would that work for you guys?

right1thistime

Edit - forgot to say- I am sorry about the potential for something to be wrong with your Fi.  That is something that shakes the very soul.  I will keep you both in my thoughts.

Good advice from Sloane.  I heartily co sign the advice for counseling.  Blending a family is not easy (and from my viewpoint - not fun either).  At the very minimum - a just the two of you - heart to heart - no yelling- conversation about how you want the children to behave within your walls.  Then the two of you present a united front to the children.  It is absolutely confusing to have different rules depending on who's your parent, and it doesn't make sense - if a rule is a rule, then why do only some of the family have to follow it.
The 14 y.o. with enuresis needs to see his pedi, as well as a urologist, and maybe a counselor as well.  It surely must suck to be him- not exactly camp/ sleepover/ etc friendly @ a time when its all about the peer group.  If his mother doesn't think he needs to be evaluated, this is where his dad has to step in and take the reins - for the child's sake.  I know YOU hate washing sheets- but I'm gonna bet the boy HATES this problem more.
As far as appropriate language, table manners etc. - does your Fi want these children to be unable to function in the social world?  Just because their mother lets them act this way does not make it acceptable in the world.  Does he expect his children will wake up at age 18 and know when to choose appropriate words or how to chew?  The way kids learn is to be TAUGHT.  Parenting is simply teaching what skills one needs in the world.  And if parents abdicate that responsibility, that doesn't mean the kid doesn't have to know it-- instead they get taught by the school of hard knocks.  Either by the natural consequences of their behavior - losing jobs due to inappropriate language, social ostracization or failure to be promoted due to lack of social skills.  Is that what he prefers?

Finally - in regards to the expectations of the household community, you and he need to decide what EVERYONE is expected to do for themselves within the confines of your home.  And then hold EVERYONE accountable for doing their share.  If your child lives with you every day, he may have some daily chores as his "share" of the household, and Fi's kids may have some more appropriate chores as their share - for when they are there.  So if your son is the one who takes out the trash every day, maybe they have to do the after dinner or before bedtime walk through of the common living space to pick up any out of place items, and put them away.  You are not Cinderella, so its not your job to pick up after them.

Sometimes two people have two greatly different opinions of what clean really is.  So if you are anal and need every surface gleaming, and Fi merely expects that there is no rotting food on the end tables and counters- you two need to come to some compromise as to what the acceptable state of the house is.  Only then can you set the appropriate expectation for the kids.  Good luck - this is tough. ~Donna

MikesAngie

I'm so sorry about the potential health issue you and your beloved may be facing,  that is a scary place to be.  I hope that you receive better news with the next wave of results.

Teenagers and preteens are interesting creatures, they do dumb things, they purposefully test the parents, and they are selfish - but that said it's our job to teach them what they need to know to survive in the real world.  We're just raising my FI's daughter but there are days that it feels like she's 3 when she's 17... So I know how you feel.  My FI and I have a clear parenting plan which was something that was lacking in the home before.

The DSD doesn't always like being called out on things and tends to "forget", and I am home with her more than the FI, so I get to be the "bad" mom.  Here's an example she loves tea and has a little single cup brewer, this morning I was cleaning it, and I asked her if there was supposed to be some magical being that cleaned it for her?  Because it's either me or my FI and we don't drink tea, who cleans the device.  So that made her think a little and she knows that we're going to be pointing stuff out like this.

Do not be afraid to calmly discuss things with your FI and come up with a fair parenting and cleaning plan. It also sounds like there may be some minor respect issues and those may need counseling. 

About the 14 yo and the bed wetting I have a sibling that had that issue until she was 16, she just slept too hard and was so embarassed about it. What finallly worked was setting an alarm for an hour and a half after she went to bed where she had to get up and void her bladder.  She wouldn't stop drinking after dinner and there wasn't anything wrong medically, she just slept that sound. That may be the issue with the 14 yo.

pacificgalx

First I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear of your FI's medical problem. I hope everything turns out OK.

Wow - this sounds like my blended family. I am in the same boat as you. He has 3 boys and 2 still wet the bed (age 8 and 11). My kid is 11 and hasn't wet the bed since age 2. I know what you mean by being sick of washing sheets. That irks me more than anything. So this is what we've done. We've enforced no drinking after 7pm, they have a bedtime at 9pm during school. They have to go potty before bedtime, then my FI wakes them up once or twice at night. If they wet the bed, they are to strip the bed themselves and wash their own sheets. I've also asked FI to get their mom on board with these rules at their house so everyone is on the same page.

As for cleaning up, everyone has a chore. I created an elaborate chore chart for everyone. They find it annoying but I refuse to be their maid. No one gets to go anywhere fun until the chores are completed. That's the rule we've enforced.

I know it's a handful and it is quite stressful for myself when they're here but it is their home too so we're all trying to find a happy home. Good luck and also take time out for yourself. I know it use to drive me crazy with all the ruckus so sometimes I'll go out and shop or have lunch with girlfriends.

sthines

I think your subjuct line says it all.  You just need to vent.  Old people use to say if you can survive planning a wedding you can survive anything.  I think the stress of the wedding is making everything feel 100 times worse than it is, especially with the kids. 

As far as the possible tumor, know that you all love eachother and that love will pull you through whatever diagnosis you get from the doctor.  And this coming from some one with more than enough experience with health tragedies.  Hold onto your love and let that give you comfort.

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suzieharris

Sorry to hear of your FI heath issue. 
I too can feel your pain.  We have combined 5 kids.   Mine are 17G, 12B, 7B.  His are 6G and 12G.  They started a year ago with poor communication (spoke like they were out of the back woods of Kentucky), Horrible table manners and it was the worst of barnyard at meal times.  They couldn't even sort colored clothes from whites.  I have worked consistantly with them on proper speech, table manners and they now do their own laundry.  My kids started doing their own laundry with help at age 6.  I have a chore chart that all of the kids follow.  Everyone has to do their part for a family this size to be successful.  I know that these things are not inforced at home with their mom which is frustrating, but they know what is expected here.  Stay tough and be consistant.  As for the 14 year old not doing laundry.  I had my first paying job at 14.  Grant it, that was 28 years ago.  Ihope the best for you. 

AdelphiTN

Hey Suzie I'm from the back woods of Kentucky!!! But I am a WELL-spoken redneck who chews with a closed mouth.

Just keep reminding yourselves that your goal as parents is to produce independent, productive members of society. You aren't being mean when you teach them to do laundry - you are doing your job. I try to NOT approach it as "you are all so gross" - it should simply be this is a life skill that you need... but let's be honest, I live with FOUR teen boys. They ARE gross and sometimes it just gets to me!  They've learned though... I say BOYS, my tolerance is at peak! and they get busy.

As for the bedwetting... that poor kid! A bed wetter is not doing it on purpose and should not be punished. Helping deal with the consequences is ok, but it's important that it's not in a judgey way.  Dad has got to take him to the pediatrician. They have meds for that, cool alarms that the kid can wear, and at minimum a specific wake-up plan. Dad does not need anyone's permission to do this.

Frady, I am sending positive vibes that your Fi's results are the best possible.  Don't forget to do something just for yourself tomorrow... anything. a walk, a quiet drive, just something! 

suzieharris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_stressed-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:96366b32-6a11-4d8d-ad4b-6b9b830f83acPost:9baaca4e-ab7e-4368-bfbf-61a334ad661e">Re: Stressed...& need to vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey Suzie I'm from the back woods of Kentucky!!! But I am a WELL-spoken redneck who chews with a closed mouth. ;) Posted by AdelphiTN[/QUOTE]

Adelphi- I do apologize.  It was the only place that came to mind at the time.  I actually had in mind the backwoods where all the gross horror films portray backwoods to look like. The people with no teeth knawing on each other for lunch.  Sorry for the wrong misconception.

Knittibell

I'm sorry to hear about FI's health issues! I'm also worried about his child who is wetting the bed... which can be a sign of some pretty serious problems both psysical and psychological... the $2,000 couch would be the least of my worries.

I'd also be concerned where the children go should your fi's illness turn out to be terminal- if they live with him would you be the guardian, and is that something you are prepared for?

Sincerely hoping the tumor scare turns out to be a false alarm!

AdelphiTN

Hey Suz - I am from ky, but i'm teasing - no worries!

Frady2Be

Thank you everyone for the positive feedback and well-wishes.

Just some things to add, now that I'm not quite in that state I was when I wrote the first post:

The bedwetting thing - he DOES strip his bed and bring the sheets down, and I most definitely do not punish him at all for wetting the bed as I know it is not his fault.  I don't make him wash his sheets for this reason (because we know to teens doing their own laundry is punishment enough!  lol).  He does have the issue to where he's a sound sleeper and doesn't wake up when he has to go.  With it being summer, he stays up later (the boys have their video games in their room upstairs) and plays hard all day (basketball, swimming, everything outdoors!) so he's very overtired.  I also sat down with him and wanted to make sure it wasn't something else - as in making sure he was okay with his dad marrying me and he assured me he was.  FI's kids ARE great, despite their barnyard manners, and we do get along well, but I thought about the response that said maybe they sense my resentment... and that could be true.  So, I've tried to be more patient with all of them (including my son) and the weekend seemed to have gone more smoothly.

Chores:  I'm all for it - I've gotten them to successfully use coasters on my grandmother's antique side table -  but it's getting them to do them without sounding like the wicked stepmother.  I'm working on it.

Health issues:  We had a long talk this weekend and we both decided not to be worried until we need to be.  We haven't heard back from the doc on the last round of tests, but he is just back from vaca (the doc) and I'm sure is reviewing today.  Fingers crossed please.  As for the kids, they have their mother - we both split custody with our exes even-steven so if anything were to happen to my FI (WHICH IT WON'T!!!) they would be with their mother, and I'm sure I would still see them.  Their mother and I are pretty friendly so I don't think she'd keep them from seeing me if they wanted.

Right now, I'm more concerned that it doesn't rain on the 24th, which is where I need to be right now!

Thanks everyone!

Sloane99

I'm really glad you had a smooth weekend. It sounds like you have nothing but love for your new family, but as with anything, there's some adjustments to make and you have the desire to make things better so I have no doubt after some trial and error you guys will all get there.

I think you have the right attitude in regards to your FI's health as well. Keep us posted.

AbbeyS2011

You need to discuss with your FI and the boy's mother about having him checked by a urologist. My oldest son, now 10, still wets the bed frequently.  A family friend(?) told me I needed to "shame" into stopping.  He had stopped for a while, then it started up again.  I talked to my peditrician, who ordered some blood tests.  My son has a condition where his body does not produce a particular hormone, which helps regulate urination.  He takes a pill nightly.  He has to go back and be tested again, but it is a relief to know that it is physical in his case, not psychological.  This may be the case with the 14 yr. old.

AdelphiTN

So glad you had a good weekend!  And that you have us to vent to - that's what we are here for!!

Frady2Be

UPDATE:  FI's latest tests came back NORMAL!!!!!

The best wedding present I could ever receive!  Thank you all for your positive thoughts and advice.  Now i can get married without worry in 11 days!

AdelphiTN

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!  With news like that, all other issues just fade back, don't they? Congrats and enjoy!

pacificgalx

Frady2be - Just checking on this post and I'm really glad your FI tests came back normal! YAH!!! Cheers!