Second Weddings

Bringing DD and FI together is harder than I thought! Who has BTDT?

Hi there everyone!  I have a 6 year old dd who I adore- we have been on our own for 3 years so we are very used to it just being us.  A little over a year ago I met a wonderful man who is very much the one, who was sweet to my daughter and treats me like a queen.  We are getting married on Oct 2.

This past weekend was the first time we pretty much spent the entire weekend together.  We still have seperate homes, but we were going to a show up by him so we stayed over sat night.  Then we were house hunting sunday down by me so he stayed over our place sunday night.  Needless to say, it was much tougher than I thought to merge as a 'family'!  The last time that she and I had a man around, she was 3 and I guess more pliant, because I certainly don't remember it being this hard, even given the fact that her father and I had a terrible relationship!

Maybe it is because she is 6, but they both had big time opinions about what they wanted to do, and vocalized them- and I felt caught in the middle.  In my first marriage I was a total people pleaser and never stood up for myself, and I have come a long way since then.  But with them both being demanding this weekend, I found myself reverting back to that behavior.  I know I have to be more assertive and I am going to work on that, but it was so scary to feel this way.  I guess that although I have learned the hard way there are no such thing as fairy tales, in a secret part of my heart I was hoping we would just all come together in love and bliss.

My married friends at work with kids around the same age say that it is like that wether it is the father of the child or the step father- that families with kids have strife.  But this weekend I got so scared, I wanted to take my daughter and run to the hills and not look back!  I love this man, and he is such a good man- I talked to him about it sat and sun, and he apologized for being overbearing and said that he is going to work on it.  And I know him well enough to know he means it.  But I fear that my daughter may feel marginalized, but on the other hand I don't want our new family to be all about her either. 

I need some reassurance from those who have been there, done that.  It gets easier, right??? 
BabyFetus Ticker

Re: Bringing DD and FI together is harder than I thought! Who has BTDT?

  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You need to spend more time together, the 3 of you.  Compromise with your daughter and with your FI about who wants to do what.  Let's say you are together on an outing on a Saturday.  Each of you gets to choose something, such as the daughter picks the movie, and you and FI get to choose where you eat lunch or dinner.  When one or the other complains, step up and explain we have to share and go along with what each other wants from time to time.  We all cannot have our own way all the time, and it sounds like all 3 of you need to learn that.

    It is an adjustment.  My FH and I have lived together over 2 years now. I have 2 sons from my first marriage, they are now 11 and 7.  They were 5 and 9 when we moved here from across the country.  It took a while for us all to adjust, we had our rough moments(still do), but we are happy being a family together. 

    One piece of advice:  Talk to your FI about giving in a bit more to your daughter's demands at first.  I am not suggesting the two of you overindulge her, but learn to pick your battles.  She is going to feel threatened by this man taking her Mommy's attention from her.  She needs some extra reassurance, plus you need to make sure you include her in the wedding planning.  She could have trust issues with men.  It is a good idea if you look into family counseling for all 3 of you. 
    Anniversary
  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Honestly I don't think it's a good idea to get married on Oct 2 if you mean this year. I would give her more time to get to know him and from the sound of it he needs more time to learn how to be around children and so you can observe him around her more often.

    I can understand her having issues with compromise since she is a young child but I have some issues with his behaviour. I would think a lot of men would be overly nice at first trying to make a good impression, trying to be a nice guy.

    Just take more time, I think it's worth it in the long run. It doesn't sound like you've known him that long if you met him a little over a year ago. I would assume she didn't meet him right away so maybe they need more time together before they live together.

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Kids intuit very authentically.  You may want to pay close attention to your daughter's reaction(s).  A year is not a long time to know someone before committing to marriage and kids need a lot of time to adjust to change.  Perhaps you can stretch out this engagement for another year or two.

    I agree with PP, counseling might be helpful.  Good luck!
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Both H and I have adult children so I don't have any experience or advice to give you other than what has already been written - take more time for the engagement and spend more time together.

    When you say he apologized for being overbearing - what does that mean?  Was he dismissive of daughter and her opinions?  Was he bossy?
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011

    Oooh, I've been there, done that. With my ex, and now with my fiance

    It is very hard to blend families, whether one child or multiple. It sounds like your fiance is willing to compromise, which is a good sign. But the fact your reaction (which you may have been exaggerating) was to run for the hills is not a good sign.

    My story: I raised my son alone for 3 years, then met my ex. Everything was fine for a while, but my ex had major issues with growing up. This may not be your issue. I then had a daughter with my ex, who is now 16. My ex has been gone for 11 years, and I didn't even date for 8 years, trying to bring peace to my home after the damage the ex did. My ex was here for five years, as we worked on his issues and tried to blend into a somewhat happy family. The reason is he is my ex is because he couldn't change, and I had to put my son (not his) ahead in my priorities.

    This October seems pretty soon to be making such a big decision IMO. I'm not sure it gets easier with time, but it's easier to regret spending a lot of time getting to know each other, than it is to realize you made a mistake and ending yet another relationship.

  • edited December 2011
    Thanks so much everyone for your input!  

    It is so hard to balance- getting them together to spend time together too much before you know he is 'the one', vs not getting them together for quite a while because you want to be sure he is 'the one' before you expose your dc to him too much!  But i guess the quandry is that you have to see them together to know if he is 'the one' or not!

    We had a great conversation tonight, where I laid out all my concerns and told him my boundaries about what is important to she and I, our time together, and our habits tgether.  It was really good, so we'll see how things progress as we continue to move forward.

    thanks again everyone for your input and ideas- I so appreciate it!
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    I'm new here. I have a 6 year old daughter, too.  She was 4 when we went through this, but your first weekend sounds a lot like our first weekend together.

    In the beginning we had a hard time establishing boundaries on what the children are allowed to decide and what the grown-ups decide.  It's difficult for someone who doesn't have children to understand picking your battles, it's difficult for a child to adjust to a new member of the family getting a vote, and it's difficult for us people-pleasers to stand in the middle and feel like we have to chose sides (in my case, even though I knew I couldn't let a 4 year old run my home, I had a hard time enforcing that boundary when I was worried about how she would resond to FI).  The good news is is that if you tackle that boundary early on, you talk about it openly and honestly, and you both give your children lots of love, it gets better...even if they throw a temper tantrum over not getting to pick dinner or what movie you'll see. :)  We still struggle with it sometimes, but it's generally a low-stress struggle, and I've found that my children are happier, more secure, and totally in love with FI (even if he's the strict parent, lol).

    We've all lived together now for 9 months, and it's generally very, very peaceful. 

    Are you househunting in NJ? Good luck with that...we looked at 40+ houses before buying ours last summer...


  • cgeithmancgeithman member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    "It's difficult for someone who doesn't have children to understand picking your battles, it's difficult for a child to adjust to a new member of the family getting a vote, and it's difficult for us people-pleasers to stand in the middle and feel like we have to chose sides"

    This. When FI moved in with us, he was trying to be "dad" all of a sudden just because he didn't know what his role was. He wanted to help me and support me with parenting because he though that's what I wanted. We too had to have many conversations about this in the beginning, and everyone had to be patient. My dd is 8 and she has a step-mom (which was a terrible adjustment) so I think she's been a bit apprehensive. I was very surprised my son (5) took to FI so easily and even calls him dad sometimes.

    It sounds like you have some good communication going. As long as that continues, everything will go well.
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  • LMB311LMB311 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    First of all, I have a question for you: Would you let your daughter argue with YOU about what you had planned to do?

    Probably not.  Then don't let her argue with FI either. You two are the adults, and she is the child.  She'll take her queues from you two.

    here are some general tips that I hope will help you all get along

    1.) Never let your daughter disrespect FI, just like you wouldn't let her respect any other adult. Also, never contradict your FI in front of your daughter-back him up even if he's wrong (unless it's dangerous of course).  This lets your DD know that you respect and trust him, and that she should too. 
    2.) Fi will now be a parent to your daughter.  He will not be her father, but he will be a parent.  You two need to set up rules, and BOTH of you have to enforce them.
    3.) Take it slow with the him getting to know her thing: a nice trip to the zoo, to an activity and dinner, then to a sleepover, then finally to a whole weekend.  Have a game plan, and let both DD and FI know what it is so that she's not bored and everything's already set out--that way there's no room for arguing.

    These things are just some snippets of advice I've picked up.  I do have 2 future skids.  I also think that the biggest thing that causes these situations to fail is the bioparent allowing the child to disrespect the stepparent, and not respecting that the stepparent may have rules that are a little different from your own.
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