Second Weddings

Trying to get in the "spirit"

Hi!!! I'm a new knottie needing some "wedding spirit". Little background. I'm 28, fi is 27. This will my second marriage, his first. He really wants a wedding with the attendants..the whole bit. I'm just not that excited about all the work that goes into planning a wedding. I don't want him to feel like I love him less by not wanting an actual wedding so I've been wearing my "i'm stoked face"..lol.  We aren't doing anything extremely fancy..our theme is kind of vintage/rustic. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely cannot wait to marry my fiance. I would today if he'd agree. We're going to look at a venue we've picked out this weekend...hoping it puts some wedding pep in my step! Thanks for letting me vent a little.
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Re: Trying to get in the "spirit"

  • Welcome to the board! 

    I did a very small wedding, so I totally understand your thinking.  However, please do not refer to a big wedding as an "actual wedding."  Whether it's a big ole throwdown or just the two of you on a beach (what I did) it's STILL an ACTUAL WEDDING.

    You need to examine your feelings about why you don't want something big.  In my case it had to do with my then FI being and extreme introvert and our need for two ceremonies because we're not Christians.  But if you're doubting it because there are red flags here that you're trying to ignore, that's a different kettle of fish entirely.
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Welcome cnorwood25!

    I can understand where you are coming from. When we married it in August, it was my hubby's 3rd, my first. I was all gung-ho (being the bride for the FIRST time), he was more laid back, but still was interested/excited about the plans. I consulted with him on everything, what I knew he wouldn't care about, I made the decision myself.

    Ask your fiance how involved he wants to be..........delegate what you can to him. I think it's important to plan the wedding you BOTH want, and to distribute the jobs equally based on personal expertise. I've been surprised as long as I've been on the Knot to see how many guys actually care about stuff. He might be one of them.

    Glad you are wearing your "stoked face".......you are a good sport. Ultimately you may decide something between the courthouse/justice of the peace and a full blown wedding.......as long as you both agree on it, it's fine.

    Good luck.
  • Welcome to the boards. Congratulations on your engagement!

    There is no reason your fiance cannot take the lead on planning the entire wedding, especially since you're not in the spirit to do it.  As the two of you are setting the budget, that might be a good time to talk about who will take the lead on which aspects of the planning.

    Good luck!
  • Hmm.  Interesting. I posted yesterday, but I don't see my response.  I think that you need to be careful about your terms.  Even though when my DH and I got legally married it was just the two of us and the officiant, it was indeed, an ACTUAL wedding.  To use a phrase to describe only a wedding with a big ole throwdown afterwards is insulting to those of us who chose not to do it that way; it implies that we aren't married.  I think if you really start thinking about it that way, then your decision will be easier.

    What you mean is a lot of people at your wedding and a big RECEPTION, although a lot of people use the terms wedding (the actual ceremony) and reception (the party afterwards) interchangebly on these boards. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Handfast - The board said you posted yesterday, and when I went looking for the post, it was invisible.  ~D.

  • Right1--I saw that yesterday, too, and couldn't find my post, but I was on my droid, so I thought it was something to do with that.  I'm seeing posts all over the boards now that lots of posts were disappearing yesterday.  Stupid Knot. 

    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • I apolgize if I have made anyone mad or upset. That totally was not my intention. I was curious to see if I was the only one not gung ho about planning an expensive, elaborate celebration that consists of 10 minutes..some vows and a kiss...lol. I wasn't trying to belittle anyone who used a justice of the peace orwent somewhere just the two of them because that is exactly what I'd prefer we do. Again, I was not trying to come across rude in anyway.
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  • When DH and I married it was my 4th (long story) and his 2nd.  He was very clear about what he wanted, me in a bridal gown and he in a tux. So we worked out what our budget would be (how much each of us could afford to contribute), our colors and then went on an extensive venue hunt.  I didn't get excited until we had settled on the perfect venue for us.  Then I had a dress debacle that almost blew my excitement, but in the end the ceremony and reception were as perfect as I wanted them to be.  And the gown was fine...by our wedding date I hated it - but it looked great the pictures are beautiful and I looked every bit like a bride. 

     Now a little back story: 1st wedding married a man who gave me my first (and so far only) broken bones (with his fist) - so I walked out (7 months). 2nd wedding to a man who didn't know his own sexuality, found this out after he went on a business trip and met a really sweet man (2 years 3 months). 3rd marriage lasted 9.75 years - ex went nuts, cheated and was mentally and emotionally abusive - feared for my own safety when I left. 

    My DH and I have known each other since we were 15, were best friends until we were 21 and he was stationed in Germany.  He proposed to elope three months before he shipped out - I had to decline. Six months later I wrote to him, nothing I wrote a few more times - still nothing.  Found out at what was to have been our 10 year high school reunion he was married. That is when I decided to "move on" . In 2008 for very similar reasons both our marriages ended (hiis ex and mine both cheated not with each other though).  In 2009 we agreed to reunite, had a 4 month long distance relationship, moved in together and were married in 2011.  
  • cn--no, absolutely no offense taken--it's really hard to project tone of voice via the interwebz :-) and my first note was so much more diplomatic. 

    The real issue on this board is that many ladies come here and say "Oh, I got married 18 months ago, and I didn't have a real wedding because I went to the JOP and now we want to have a wedding with 300 people."    Those ladies aggravate me. 

    So, welcome to the board!!  Do you think you might be able to reach a compromise with your fi?  Like, just family present?  Or an under 50 people sort of thing? 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_trying-spirit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9a17c3ea-e1b1-456b-b7d7-1790875079d1Post:3e46d941-db42-4dc2-b2b1-d40c8cbddb81">Re: Trying to get in the "spirit"</a>:
    [QUOTE]cn--no, absolutely no offense taken--it's really hard to project tone of voice via the interwebz :-) and my first note was so much more diplomatic.  The real issue on this board is that many ladies come here and say "Oh, I got married 18 months ago, and I didn't have a real wedding because I went to the JOP and now we want to have a wedding with 300 people."    Those ladies aggravate me.  So, welcome to the board!!  Do you think you might be able to reach a compromise with your fi?  Like, just family present?  Or an under 50 people sort of thing? 
    Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]


    I had the "big to do" with my first marriage and it was just a big headache, in my opinion. I was 20 then and now that almost 29, I'm not at all interested in throwing a big bash. A huge ceremony doesn't make a marriage last or not last..ya know?!  I come from a larger family..I have 4 siblings and mostly all of my family has been married and re-married. I'm really really hoping to keep it at less than 75. 50 preferably..haha! I haven't started getting my guest list together yet..lol. The knot stresses me out with their little wedding planning timeline thing.lol. Again, I sinceraly apolgize if my orginal post came across as me being a witch!! I am willing to go the extra mile to see a smile on the face of my fiance at the end of that aisle if that's what he wants..lol. He's pretty much taken the reigns of it..calling and making appointments and things like that. I sort of feel like a bad fiance..like I'm not doing what I'm "supposed to" thankfully he's a good sport! :)
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  • CN, you need to put what you said in the responses to the post above yours.  :-)
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited January 2012

    I think, as long as you keep hanging on to what you think you're "supposed" to do, you're just not going to relax and enjoy the fact that you have a fiance who is not hung up on it.

    Personally, I don't think that a second or third (or more) wedding deserve any more or less effort than the first.  If that's how you roll, then that's okay.  But why sweat it when you have a fiance who is willing to put the effort in where you are not?  No couple contributes 50/50 on every task anyway (whether wedding related or not).  Go with the flow.  Let him plan and then ... you both get to enjoy it!

    Good luck!

  • I was you one year ago...We had a wonderful wedding and I was so, so, so, so glad my DH insisted on it.  If it had been up to me we would have gone to the JOP and out to lunch, but he wanted the wedding (it was his first). 

    My advice--plan a short engagement.  Get it over with quickly.  It's tough to keep up the charade for a long period of time.  Not only is it over quickly, it helps you keep the extra stuff under control because there is just no time.  We planned our wedding and reception for 150 in 5 months for under $10,000.  We did a lot of DIY and we served a bang-up feast, danced our buts off and had the time of our lives. 
    At times, It was a struggle for me.  I begrudgingly did a lot of the wedding planning, all the the while trying not keep up my happy face.  There were a lot of issues with my family.  There were times when I wanted to call off the big party and just get married that day.  By the end, my happy face was gone but we were so close that it was too late to change our minds about the party we planned.  But, when the day actually came...I was ecstatic.  There are a million pictures of me that day and I am smiling my face off in each one of them.  So is my husband.  I think for one second about his permagrin on our wedding day, and I'd do it again a thousand times over (but I won't since we are already married!).  
    You love your FI, give him this gift.  His happiness will be worth it. 
  • I can relate.  We are both having our second marriage, and I would have been just fine running off to Vegas and doing it with just us and an officiant - the ceremony and the vows are what is most important to me.  I'm more concerned with the marrriage than the party, but he feels he can't get married without inviting his whole family there.  

    So here we go with a wedding that will probably be bigger than my first.  I am sooooooo excited to marry him - I just wish it could have been a small intimate wedding without the huge reception and hoop-la.  In the long run, I'mtrying to keep us both happy and compromising on what we can - lots of guests, relaxed backyard atmosphere, very few attendants.  We also are having a short engagement - 4 months.  That allowed us to skip Save the Dates - which means maybe some people won't be able to join and help keep the reception a little bit smaller.  

    The checklist on here certainly gives me a heart attack on a daily basis. I have to say going through it the second time, he has been great and has asked what he can help with.  Things that my ex would never have even wanted to hear about me doing my fiance has been taking care of.  That part is awesome and has really helped me to relax and enjoy being engaged - not just stressing about planning a wedding.  Just make sure you plan some time together having fun, not JUST doing/dsicussing wedding stuff.

    My personal opinion - a wedding ceremony/reception lasts one day, a marriage lasts forever.  Work on the stuff that counts the most to you (and that is different for everyone). 
  • Hi,
    I'm newly engaged and I too am not as in the spirit as I feel I should be-even though I am ECSTATIC to be engaged because I have found the love of my life. Honestly, I did the "big to do" before and so did he, it was just not our thing (neither were the people we married). We are very fun-loving, family-orientated and have huge parties all the time so having an informal outdoor thing would feel like every other huge party we have... We don't have a lot of money right now because we just bought a house  but I don't want to NOT have the wedding of my dreams either-but then again, I was 1000xs dead set on getting remarried so I haven't even thought about what the wedding of my dreams would be until the man I love slipped the ring of my childhood dreams on my finger! I feel guilty because I overanalyzed my first wedding so much and now I just don't want the stress and hurt feelings and blah blah blah. I remember all the stress and drama and crazy expectations and I'm all set! I would love to take my DH to be out into a beautiful wooded spot with a brook and get married with just him and I. That would be heaven to me. I know this would cause a huge scuffle between families and kids and I know they love us and want to celebrate with us...I didn't like the whole sappy thing in front of 200 people thing-how the heck do you feel romance and connection when you are on parade? If you can't guess, being the center of attention is not my thing either.  
  • Thank you ladies so MUCH! My FI and I went to look at ceremony locations this past weekend, and although it was a total bust, getting married really hit home with me! I got teary eyed at one of the places..they probably thought I was crazy! I can NOT wait for October!! I'm even helping him make decisions and whatnot!! I'm ready to do this, go on an amazing honeymoon, and start our wonderful life! :) Dare I say, I'm kind of excited!! ;)
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