Telling Adult Children

neverinamillionyears

Here is some background:
I met my FI 29 years ago and we dated way back then, I was a senior in highschool and he was first year in college. We were getting very serious when his controlling mother made him break up with me. She then insisted that he quit his job, where we worked together, and stop all outside activities. She esentially pushed him away right into the arms of a woman 14 years older than him, and within 7 months after our break up they married. (he was 19 she was 34). She had a 6 year old child who is now 37 and is married with three children.  I have 2 children from my previous marriage. He is now a widow.
We reconnected in May and he is planning on a christmas engagement. I am concerned as to how the 3 adult children are going to react, especially my 19 year old who now lives with us. He moved from his dads to my house because he didn't like dad's new girlfriend.
I've bought M&Ms printed with our names, date of the wedding and "SHE SAID YES" on them, I was going to put them into favors for Thanksgiving but all three kids couldn't be with us. We want to do this with all three of them together. Which will be Christmas Eve. I don't want to ruin the holiday, but I am very excited as is he, we should have married 28 years ago and had our own brady bunch family by now, but we have three beautiful children and his three grandchildren who adore me.
I never dreamed that we would reconned,..never in a million years, but it's happened and we couldn't be any happier. Any ideas on how to diffuse a potential negative reaction?
Thanks!

Avion22

People act the way that you treat them.  I agree that if you talk to them like adults, they are more likely to act like adults when you tell them the news.   My guess is that they already know something is brewing, based on your long past and reconnection (which is an amazing story, by the way).    

I agree about the M&Ms -- use those to celebrate later.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_telling-adult-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d80f5a8-7aea-4703-8949-5b6861eade9fPost:ccd47bd6-d9a8-4a9a-87c5-6727907aea58">Re: Telling Adult Children</a>:
[QUOTE]Good advice above.  No cutesy.  Straightforward and honest.  And don't ask for anything you are not prepared to be denied.  <strong>Anything that you pose as a question offers an opportunity for a negative answer.  If you say, "we are asking for your blessing", you may not get it.  Instead, tell them your plans, express your joy, and let them know that you both are very excited to share your joy with them. </strong> Period. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

<div>Donna, dammit if you don't always have the best advice ever:-)   I'm really glad that you are a part of these boards.  </div>

Sue-n-Kevin

Your current/future family dynamics are much like mine: My fiance has 3 children, 4 grandchildren, I have 2 children. My daughter is now 17 and HATES her stepmom, much like your son hates his dad's girlfriend. My daughter was the last one to come around during our 4 year engagement, because she feared "losing" her special connection with me if we married......specifically because her stepmom is such a witch and she'd have no one "on her side" anymore.

My guess is that the most welcoming will be the 2 other kids, your son will be the hard one to convince this is going to be good. But, since he lives in your home now, he probably has an idea that you are moving along toward a permanent relationship with your fiance. If it were me, I'd probably start to feel out how he feels about your fiance.......do they get along? Does he have a positive opinion of him? In spite of the fact that Xmas is only 12 days away, I'd start to inquire into how he feels about your fiance. In other words, lay the groundwork for what you plan on announcing and see if there is any push back.

Then, pay special attention to him in the period afterward, continuing to let him know you love him unconditionally and that adding a male figure in your home will not mean it's a replacement for the love you feel for him. I'm assuming this will be MUCH easier than the transition my hormonal teenaged daughter had to go through to see that my now husband is a great guy, who she loves to spend time with. She still loves her dad, but likes being in our home more, because there is less drama.

As for how you tell them, just let them know how happy you two are now that you've reconnected, and don't make the interim period, when you were married to others, sound like a mistake. It was a growing period that brought you to this fabulous point in your life when you can live the remaining portion of your lives together.

Break out the M&M's afterward.

right1thistime

Good advice above.  No cutesy.  Straightforward and honest.  And don't ask for anything you are not prepared to be denied.  Anything that you pose as a question offers an opportunity for a negative answer.  If you say, "we are asking for your blessing", you may not get it.  Instead, tell them your plans, express your joy, and let them know that you both are very excited to share your joy with them.  Period. ~Donna

neverinamillionyears

I want to say thank you for the advice; I didn't do it in a cutesy way as I had originally planned. FI and I officially got engaged on Dec 23. All of the children were with us on Christmas Eve.
My boys have not said much, I told them both our plans for a destination wedding and provided them with all the details. The one child I was concerned about was my youngest and he seems fine with all of this!! The only thing he said was "Phew Mom, I was worried you two were going to have some big wedding , like 3000 people" LOL (It's only going to be the children and maybe my brother and sister in law and their adult children)
 However, FI's step daughter said she was very upset at first when we announced it, she didn't know why, but she is happy for us, and expected it to happen.  I told FI that I want to be her friend, as I am not and will never be her mother.  I think alot of this is the fact that the step daughter is/was the only child so her step dad remarrying may have made her think that he was going off leaving her and the grandchildren behind, I assured her that was not going to happen.

I just wanted to give you all an update, but I really wanted to say Thanks for the advice!