Second Weddings

Help - fiancee does not want a wedding

i need some advice. i'm in my mid-30s, and have never been married. i'm engaged to a man (same age) who has been married once, five years ago, for a year, no kids (he had a big romantic wedding for his first marriage). he's wonderful in so many ways, except he's putting me under extreme pressure to elope, as he says it would prove i want him, and not just a 'party,' as he calls it. this is odd as i'm very simple in my expectations - a small wedding of 25 is ideal for me. My fiancée is making me feel that i am being superficial by wanting to celebrate our marriage with our families and close friends. Help! i am not sure if this is a warning sign or if i should simply respect his preferences and give in. it hurts deeply, because i feel he is embarrassed to have another wedding. any advice would be very much appreciated. thanks so much.  

Re: Help - fiancee does not want a wedding

  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That fact that he is not open to compromise and is using guilt to manipulate you into doing things his way is a huge red flag. You should not have to prove anything to the man you are marrying as a condition of the marriage, or for any reason for that matter. He should be understanding that this is your first marriage and you want your friends and family there. 25 people is not extravagant or superficial. You should slow way down, get some pre marital counseling and think  long and hard about marrying someone who treats you this way.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_fiancee-not-want-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d98a19e-e1e2-462a-a8a1-c78ff80208b2Post:ac921aa2-dd0c-4543-83d0-70fffedf228c">Re: Help - fiancee does not want a wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong><font color="#0000ff">That fact that he is not open to compromise and is using guilt to manipulate you into doing things his way is a huge red flag.</font></strong> You should not have to prove anything to the man you are marrying as a condition of the marriage, or for any reason for that matter. He should be understanding that this is your first marriage and you want your friends and family there. 25 people is not extravagant or superficial. You should slow way down, get some pre marital counseling and <font color="#0000ff"><strong>think  long and hard about marrying someone who treats you this way.
    </strong></font>Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

    Well said.  I must add, though, that it <em>should not matter</em> if this is your first, third or sixth wedding -- it is completely reasonable to want friends and family there. 

    Good luck!
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If he marries you, he's going to be having another wedding whether it's big or small.  My DH didn't want an audience or a big reception because he's an extreme introvert.  So, we did a very romantic wedding on a beach, just the two of us.  It was great because we were able to write our own ceremony, and said things to one another that we would NEVER have said if there were an audience. 

    If having people at your wedding and reception is something you've always dreamed of, then you two need to come to a compromise, or it might be time to re-consider this relationship.   I wonder if you've explained to him about your vision of things?  Communication is the key, and I would start with the first line in my response to you. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    "prove I want him and not just a party"  WOW!  I agree with the big red flags, and I agree with handfast that no matter what, if he wants to marry you, he will be having a wedding.

    There's a great line from STeel Magnolias (I think) that says (paraphrased) don't punish the man you are with for your x's mistakes.  I think that is what he is doing.  Perhaps he felt that his first wife just wanted the trappings of a big wedding, and was focused on that instead of the marriage and choosing the groom.  She wouldn't be the first bride to do that.  However, he shouldn't be punishing YOU for her actions.  As I have said over and over again on this board, you cannot enter a new marriage if you haven't dealt with the loss of the previous one.  My guess is, he is still harboring grief and bitterness and anger about the loss of his first marriage (not his xW so much, don't take that wrong).  Whether you need couples counseling or he needs individual counseling is not for me to say, but I think there are issues here.   And I think YOU think so, too, since you are worried about it and posted here.  Slow down and let him heal before you rush down the aisle.  ~Donna
  • catewittcatewitt member
    Sixth Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    i cannot thank you enough for the thoughtful advice and support. as you can imagine, it's awful to feel as if you'r selfish and superficial to expect a wedding -especially one that would be a simple dinner for 25 people....and no band, no hoopla, no swans, no tiaras, no carriages, no thrones. i've been feeling very alone throughout this. The next steps is a deep think and a call to a counselor for pre-nuptial therapy. i may owe you all my future. thanks so much.     

  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    please please please follow through on the pre nuptial counseling. Do not brush this off. And come back and post any time!

  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2011
    He certainly put you in your place. This is no longer your marriage. It's his. Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life?

    This is the time for some self-confidence. And your spouse should re-inforce that, not put down your ideas and try to make you feel badly for wanting what you want. Don't cave. Feel good about who you are, what makes you happy, and that your opinion is valued.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • edited December 2011
    Here's a bit of contrast for you to consider. 

    My first wedding was in the courthouse with no family or friends present. His first wedding was rather large with all family and friends. Both were many years ago.

    He preferred to have a much smaller wedding, but I wanted all of our family and friends.
     
    He knew it was important to me to have our wedding with family and friends, so he happily compromised because he knew it was important to me.  He went along with all the plans and even paid for a good part of the wedding and helped me with planning. In the end he loved the wedding as much as I did.

    Marriage is about compromise. Not emotional blackmale. It starts with the wedding.

    Best of luck to you!!!!
  • edited December 2011
    My FH has been married twice before.  I've been married once before.  He had small weddings in which family attended.  I had a large traditional wedding.  He admits that he is embarrassed that he "failed at marriage" twice before and feels that it is asking too much to have his family come to "another" ceremony.  (We are older, in our 40's, his family isn't close and are aging.)  I can understand his feelings.  I think your fiancee is really just deeply embarrassed and is looking for a way to save face in front of family and friends.  I don't really think it is about you, just his feelings of failure.  I don't of course know you or him, but this is what could be happening.  I don't think he needs to be embarrassed at all though.  Most people are going to accept that a first time bride would want some kind of ceremony and family attendance, probably even grandma would see this as acceptable.  Men sometimes need a little coaching when it comes to these social things.  Of course pre-marital counseling is a good idea for anyone.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_fiancee-not-want-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d98a19e-e1e2-462a-a8a1-c78ff80208b2Post:26899424-f711-4393-8b25-96d206aef25a">Re: Help - fiancee does not want a wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FH has been married twice before.... He admits that he is embarrassed that he "failed at marriage" twice before and feels that it is asking too much to have his family come to "another" ceremony. 
    Posted by anneegg[/QUOTE]

    This was entirely my hang up.

    But I got over it.

    It wasn't my fault at all my first marriage ended. And SO never having been married before wanted a wedding he could enjoy with ALL of our family and friends. *I* felt guilty about my embarassment, I sure as heck wasn't going to throw those heavy feelings onto his shoulders by manipulating him into feeling that way too. How fair would it have been to punish him for simply wanting something different than I did?! Likewise, he was understanding and supportive of why I felt the way I did and did his best to try to help me work toward feeling better about it all reminding me how much my family loved me and would not judge me as I was so harshly judging myself.

    He came down from gigantic blow out and I came up from eloping at the courthouse meeting in the middle with reasonably sized shindig. I still don't love the idea, but I do Iove him. And at this point I do see the silver lining...he's giving me an amazing wedding I don't have to fight him for like many other brides to be do lol


    OP - The ability to compromise will always be the life preserver in any relationship. Glad to hear you're not going to just settle for someone unwilling to throw you a line once in awhile. I hope whichever way your reflection and counseling turns out it's all for the best!
  • annie912annie912 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    This is round two for both of us. It's actually my third wedding (I married my first husband twice, long story and one of the dumbest things I could have done, but everything I've done up to this point is how I got to this point in the first place....). I did the big wedding (17 person wedding party, eek!), small church wedding, and he did the courthouse thing.

    We're doing a simple wedding, 25 - 30 people in our backyard. He'd be just as happy doing the courthouse thing again, but he knows it's important to me - not because I want a "party" but because I want to celebrate a huge event in our lives with the people that are the closest to us. He has two young sons, so it's also for them - they can participate (or not) in whatever way they feel comfortable to celebrate the creation of their new family. 

    We work in the same field and have to be very social and outgoing for work. In non-work life, he's actually kind of shy. He doesn't like being the center of attention. I was practically born on a stage and love it.

    I am trying to be very sensitive and making sure I don't go overboard, and he's being open minded and even taking a ballroom dance class with me in fall so we can dance at the wedding. Not separately, but along with everyone else. Fair compromise, I think.

    One of the things that may come up in counseling is  - does he really think that eloping "proves your love" for him, or is it that he feels uncomfortable having a big (or what he thinks is big) wedding, and if so, why?

    Best of luck and keep us posted.

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