Second Weddings

Need wedding to be different from his first

My bf and I are just starting to think through our plans/options/ideas. He was married at 25, is now 48, divorced four years ago. He's a pretty traditional guy. They got married in the Catholic church. He doesn't go as regularly as he used to, but he is still a practicing Catholic. I was raised Catholic but haven't practiced since I was a kid - I don't go to any church. I find my connection to God in nature.

When we first talked about getting married, my bf said, well, my feeling is that since I've been married before, if you want certain things, I'll be pretty flexible. Then he said that he didn't have to/necessarily want to get married in the Catholic church. So I was thinking we'd just have a ceremony at the reception location - something totally different from his last wedding.

Now he tells me he was thinking that he'd compromise and marry me in a nondenominational church. I was like, huh? I don't go to church - isn't that a bit phony to go to church in front of people when everyone knows you're not a church goer? I mean, if we're going to go to church, I was raised Catholic, so we might as well do Catholic...not that I want to get married in a church at all - because he had a church wedding the first time around.

I guess what's bugging me is that we'd talked about that it was important to me that this wedding NOT be like his other wedding - I'm pretty nontraditional and thought this would be fine.  I want to do some unique stuff. Now he's talking about a cake, and I wanted to do something other than cake - cheesecake or something - but no, he wants cake. I'm like, OK, you had cake at your first wedding, so how is this different?

So far the only thing that seems different is that we'd like to have a band if we can afford one - they had a dj. I need more freedom to be creative and unique - worried he's going to squelch all of my creative ideas.


Daring to dream a bigger dream

Re: Need wedding to be different from his first

  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    The knot ate my first post, which was much longer.  So, this response won't be as long, but might not sound as kind as the first. My apologies in advance for that. 

    There are a couple of red flags here: why isn't your BF listening to your needs and wishes, or just ignoring them?   You may wish to slow down a bit, and really examine if this is the type of relationship that you would like to make permanent by marriage.

    Second, and addresses your real quesiton, is the following: Do you want your entire wedding to be about the first wife? Because by REACTING to everything they had the first time, that's what you're making YOUR wedding; about his prior wedding and wife.

     If I were you, I would sit down, take a few minutes, and really try to envision what you want for THIS wedding--not just to make it about NOT having it like the previous one.  There are so many options, and years ago, thing were a LOT different in the wedding world.   So who cares about the cake?  Have you really ever been to a wedding and thought "I can't BELIEVE she wore a long white dress because the groom's first wife wore a long white dress to the first wedding!"   Do you understand how that comes off?

    No matter what happens, this is his first wedding to YOU, so use THAT phrase in your planning.  

    In closing,  I hope you can resolve your issues as a couple and as an individual, and that you eventually have a wedding you'll enjoy to a man that you love and listens to your wants and needs. 

    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    I had the same response as handfast.  They had a dj, so I can't, they had cake, so I can't.  Are you going to skip saying vows, wearing rings, using flowers, dancing, and inviting family just because that all happened at his first wedding?  Let.   it.   go. 

    Church - As a practicing Catholic, he may be re-thinking his feelings about the religious component of the ceremony.  You two really need to figure that out before you plan any further.   If you go Catholic church- he needs an annulment.

    Cake - there are 90 gazillion different flavors, styles and designs of cake.  You can find something.   (If you hated cake, it would be one thing for him to listen to your wishes, if its just a reaction, meh.)

    Plan YOUR wedding, not the anti-first wife wedding.   ~Donna
  • edited December 2011
    It will be different...he is marrying YOU.  Handfast is right, by reacting you are bringing her into your relationship.  Don't give someone who isn't even a part of the day that kind of power.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_need-wedding-different-his-first?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a061df49-cb54-4ed3-be43-e2b59027bfc1Post:8ef2547e-dc60-41af-9c63-1418009ce6a5">Re: Need wedding to be different from his first</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had the same response as handfast.  They had a dj, so I can't, they had cake, so I can't.  Are you going to skip saying vows, wearing rings, using flowers, dancing, and inviting family just because that all happened at his first wedding?  Let.   it.   go.  Church - As a practicing Catholic, he may be re-thinking his feelings about the religious component of the ceremony.  You two really need to figure that out before you plan any further.   If you go Catholic church- he needs an annulment. Cake - there are 90 gazillion different flavors, styles and designs of cake.  You can find something.   (If you hated cake, it would be one thing for him to listen to your wishes, if its just a reaction, meh.)<strong> Plan YOUR wedding, not the anti-first wife wedding</strong>.   ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]


    Again, well said. 
    Anniversary
  • gottadance64gottadance64 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks all - bf and I had a good talk about this and we're going to keep talking it through. He is not at all selfish and I didn't mean to portray him that way. I think that we just miscommunicated - I took what he said to mean one thing and he meant another. I am a little senstive on the ex/first marriage issue and do need to come to terms with that and let it go. We need to find a middle ground - marriage in a church is important to him - after all marriage is about compromising, within reason, so we'll just have to negotiate through this.
    Daring to dream a bigger dream
  • edited December 2011
    I think the most important thing when marrying someone who has been married before (even if you yourself have been married before) is to come to terms with that past relationship.   I think its easier to do that when you have a similar experience in your own life. 

    One of the reasons I fell for DH was that he said to me early on that he understood that I was once happy and in love with my xH, and that part of the years spent together were happy times.  He also said that he didn't resent that happiness, and that he had his own happy years with his xW.  Not that I needed his permission, or vice versa, but it sure makes thing smoother when your partner GETS that. ~Donna
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