FI is getting cold feet

tropical.dreams

I can't believe I'm writing this out for the whole world to see, but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because I don't want them to have anything to hold against him and reflect badly in their eyes.

I flew out to visit him this weekend, and everything was great. But as soon as I got home, I noticed a big difference in our communication. He usuallly texts or calls me every morning before work, and we text throughout the day on and off, and then we talk on the phone every night for anywhere from a half hour to an hour and a half. I got a call Tuesday morning, but very few texts since then, and only one call. I asked him what was wrong, and he said that he was just tired, so I dropped it. Then he called and I was tied up, so I asked him if I could call him back in a few minutes. 15 minutes later, he didn't answer. I texted a few times, thinking he was in the shower or something, and he never responded. The next morning, a couple of hours after I got to work, he texted that he was sorry, that he had fallen asleep.
The few and far between texts and conversation we had have been flat. I could tell that something was wrong, but I didn't want to harp over it, so I dropped it and figured that he'd come to me when he was ready.

Well, I texted him twice yesterday and got no response. At 9:45pm, he sent a text that said, "Sorry I haven't been in contact today. I've had a lot on my mind." So I responded back and asked him what was going on, to which he replied, in a nutshell, that he had a lot of fear that I was going to walk away from everything I have in my life here (house, job, friends, etc.) to move there to be with him, and if it didn't work out, he would feel responsible. He added that he didn't think that it wouldn't work out, but there was always the chance.

I tried to call him, and he messaged back that he was at his cousin's and couldn't talk, but he'd call me in a bit. He never did. At 11:30, I emailed him what I was thinking, and I haven't heard from him yet.

I don't know what to do. We talked this weekend about moving the wedding up from September to May, and he seemed OK with it. It had actually been his idea a while back, but I had to think about it for a while before I committed to it. I even started applying for jobs there earlier in the week.

This is NOT the man that I know and love. We've always been able to communicate about things, and for him to ignore me and shut me out, I don't understand it. I feel helpless. I know we've both been divorced and hurt in the past, but what can I do to fix this? And how can I do it if he's done a total 180 and won't talk to me?

thealphabride

Hi Tropical,
I'm sorry to hear this. Without knowing you or him, it is difficult to give advice.
How long have you known him? Do you have kids? Does he? How old are you guys? I know your relationship has been long distance. Have you ever spent an extended amount of time together?

From the initial reading of this to answer your question, you cannot "fix" this or him.

The best you can do is try to get him to communicate everything with you. I see this as a big red flag that must be considered.

Perhaps when you started to look for a job, it became very real for him and he started to get scared.

I would be very careful before I uprooted myself and my family to move a very long distance to be with him. You don't have a job there and if things do go south, will you have the resources to get back home????

He's not changing his whole life ... but you are.

I know he says that is the root of the problem, but you need to dig deeper and get everything out on the table and that cannot be done unless he starts communicating with you.

Best of luck to you!
((Hugs))

shytownkelly

Long Distance Relationships are hard.  I know - my FI and I were in one until he moved here.  And I know how important those texts and calls are to feeling connected. 

With that said - I'm sorry you are having to deal with this - cold feet/second thoughts are tough to deal with when you see each other all the time.  I can only imagine the LDR thing adding to the stress.

I'm not sure what I would do here.  Part of me says give him a few days with no communication so he can think, but then part of me says sometimes too much thinking gets in the way of FEELING. 

I think you are on the right track though - with "what are the TANGIBLE fears?" because those can actually be addressed with an action plan.  But if he's worried about things that neither of you have control over then you need to call him out on those.

(((HUGS)))

fireytiger

Yikes, this sounds just like a situation I had with my ex boyfriend. We met long distance, I was excited to move to Kansas City to be with him, and I guess when things started getting "real", he freaked out. We almost broke up then over it, but what we decided to do was push the move back while we sorted things out. I did eventually move out here, a year later, and things were pretty good. Do you like the place he lives in? If you were to split up for any reason, would you be happy staying there? Would you be able to get a job that pays well enough to support yourself alone? What's the cost of living, etc? If it turns out you absolutely hate the place and you and FI split up (god forbid), could you get the money together to come back? All of that is something to really consider.

What you might also do (as long as you and your FI are not against this for some reason) is to live together for awhile not married, or you move closer to where he is and get a cheap apartment or something to live in. Living closer (or together) will help you figure out the answers to the questions I posed earlier, as well as help you figure out if everything will work out. It does make things a LOT easier when you're together more often, and you don't have that lonely long-distance feeling messing with your head.

I do want to just throw this out there, that the reason me and my ex split up was not due to the long distance, I broke up with him because despite him being a good person, we just weren't right for each other. I get worried when I give advice to others based on situations with my ex, because people think "Oh man, but if he's her ex, then that means my situation is doomed!!" That's not what I'm saying at all.

Lisa50

((((HUGS))))  Oh boy.  I am so sorry to hear this.  I hope that, at the very least, with some time to think things over this weekend, perhaps he'll be more in the mood to talk on Sun/Mon. 

I was feeling terribly guilty about FI having to sell his house -- he didn't need to give up anything else (except living alone) -- in order for us to be together.  Along with my guilt came a little, tiny bit of a case of cold feet.  I can imagine your fiance feels tremendous guilt over the fact that you're giving up everything to be with him. 

But, really, the only cure begins with you two being able to talk about it.  If he will not pick up the phone, you have no choice but to ease up on reaching out for the time being.  Perhaps leave a message, asking him to call you at a specific time on Sunday evening and take it from there.

I wish you all the best.  ((((HUGS)))) ... you deserve a double dose of those virtual hugs today.  Hang in there!

Sue-n-Kevin

More ((((HUGS)))

The best thing about this board is that due to our *ahem* maturity (sounds like age but nicer), many of us have faced similar situations. So when we say we care, we can also share with you something we may have lived through.

I was supposed to get married when I was 21. I had dated a guy for 3 years while he lived here going to college. Afterward he moved back to Massachusetts where he was from, and found a job, and we were planning our wedding long distance, it would have been about 18 months after his move home, and I'd be moving there to live with him.

Back then in the OLDEN days (mid 1970's) the only means of communication were long distance phone calls and letters. No email, no texting, no immediate contact of any type........boy, I miss those days, LOL.

We had a phone conversation about how I hoped he'd be patient with me, since I didn't know the area where we'd be living and would have to learn how to navigate "rotaries" (those gosh darn circles in the road with 8 entries and exits), and would have to learn to live so far from home. I was 21, these were normal fears. 

You have to remember we only communicated a few times a week, because long distance phone calls were expensive.

Maybe a week or 2 after that phone call, I got a "Dear Jane" letter from him. He was comfortably back in his home town, contemplating my move there, and felt maybe it wasn't a good idea. He wasn't sure if he'd have the patience to help me get used to living far from home, even though I was making the move willingly and looking forward to it. Not sure if he was dating someone else or not, or wanted to, but at the time that was devastating.

I called him and we talked, and I then cancelled all the wedding plans. I still have the dress that I was making that is now yellowed with age and only 75% done. I've kept it mostly because the lace I used for it was primo and expensive, LOL. But it's also a reminder that sometimes our old plans don't jive with the life we are meant to have in the end.

I'm not saying that your fiance's feelings are anything like what my old boyfriend felt, or that you've given him clues, like I did, that this move was a big thing for me. In the end I realized this was NOT the right guy for me, and found out afterward that he married someone, had a couple of daughters, AND divorced her. I met up with him in Massachusetts loooooooonng after our breakup, maybe 6 years later. Boy, was he mad that he gave up on me! Then, he called me out of the blue 17 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter, just to "chat" in his words. But I knew his style, he was checking to see if there was any spark left, and when he found out I was pregnant, that was the last time we spoke.

You have to noodle through all the signs and get him to talk to you at some point, to let you know what is going on in his mind. There is no easy way for you to figure this all out without that happening. He may just be a very caring guy, worried that you are giving up so much to be with him. Or there may be something else going on.

Good luck. More (((HUGS)))) for you. Keep us posted.

tropical.dreams

Right now, I'm humiliated and devestated. I still haven't heard from him. he picked up the kids from their mom's last night after work, but I was hoping he'd call me after they went to bed like he normally does. I just don't understand why he's doing this. On Monday morning at the airport, he begged me to stay with him and not leave. I'm hysterical right now. I feel so helpless. The only family he has is his dad and his cousin, and his dad doesn't have a phone in the house, so I emailed his cousin this morning. Her daughter has been sick this week with pneumonia, so I didn't want to call and bother them, so I just emailed, hoping that she'll respond and give me some sort of insight, since he was there at her house the night he texted that he was afraid.

His son's birthday party is tomorrow, but I'm so close to getting on the next plane and flying out there. He can't just IGNORE me, I'm his fiancee! I'm really scared. Before I was married, I was engaged to someone else, and he died. Then I got married and divorced. And then I had a major relationship after my divorce that I thought was going to end in marriage, but he ended it and I was devestated. I didn't date for a year and a half after that, and then I met FI and my heart opened up again. No one can go through that many tragedies and survive.

Marrin713

Right now I'd just hang loose (as hard as that sounds TD).  Flying there will solve nothing other than to force his hand.  I'm really impatient when it comes to things like this - I'd love to know what's in his mind and what I can do to help the situation, but I've learned that there are things and people I cannot control.  I think to continue calling and texting right now might be a mistake.  You are right - you are his fiancee and have a right to know, but texting, emailing, and calling might force him into a decision that he may or may not regret.  Easy to say for me, but will be hard for you to do; I realize that.  See if you get an email back from the cousin (and that's assuming she even has any idea what is going on with him) and then wait until Sunday evening and give him a call.  Best wishes TD!

right1thistime

I would not get into this with anyone else than him.  Not his father or his cousin.  this is between the two of you. 
Being "mature", I think texting is WAY too impersonal to talk this over.  I think you two need to have a nice, long telephone conversation.  Do NOT jump on the next plane.  Can you Skype-- so that you would be able to see each other when you talk?  It's so  important to see the person, and see whatever emotion is playing out in their body & facial language. 

The advice above to slow things WAY down is great.  No more thoughts of moving the wedding up-- and indeed, put a hold on any more planning and deposits.

And as far as no one being able to handle this many tragedies and survive--you have, you can, and you WILL.  ~Donna

tropical.dreams

I told him that this wasn't a text conversation, and when I called him, he didn't pick up, and he won't call me back. He won't text back, he won't email back, nothing. I know that this is between us, but if he won't talk to me, I need something. I just don't know what to do. I can totally understand needing time to think, but he needs to tell me that he needs X amount of time, and he'll contact me at a certain time to talk about it, not just ignore me completely. I'm completely fine with cancelling the wedding. It was just going to be a small beach ceremony anyway, so it's not like we'll lose any money. I'm fine with taking marriage off the table completely. I just want to be closer to him and see him more than once a month. I just want to know what's going on. I'm physically sick over this. If this is it, and it's over, he needs to tell me instead of running away. And the man I thought I knew WOULD be honest with me, so I'm at a complete loss as to what's going on. I can't deal with this much longer.

Marrin713

Crap - I don't know what to tell you hon.  I feel for you; I honestly do and I so get that need to know and know right now.  If he's still the man you know, then trust he is taking time to really think this out and not be making a decision as important as this on a whim.  Hugs.

tropical.dreams

Well, he just texted me. He said, "I love you and I want you and I'm sorry. I'll call you tonight."

I don't know what that means, but it's a start.

Thank you all for talking to me. I'll let you know what happens.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_fi-getting-cold-feet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a468b02e-138a-4f76-82fa-c92ad49e9535Post:0c372a37-f79b-4f7c-b821-6f5fe2ef9a32">Re: FI is getting cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, he just texted me. He said, "I love you and I want you and I'm sorry. I'll call you tonight." I don't know what that means, but it's a start. Thank you all for talking to me. I'll let you know what happens.
Posted by tropical.dreams[/QUOTE]

Hang in there!  Just hang in there.  Clearly, he's got something heavy duty going on, plus with his son's birthday ... well.  *sigh*  If you're at home alone tonight, think about going to the movies.  Get out, get some air okay??  (((HUGS))))

rapunnzzll

My heart goes out to you.  I've been reading through this and just want to hug you.  I think everyone has given you some great advice.  It is so very hard to just wait on someone else, especially in this situation.  Follow Lisa's advice, get out and do something even if it's for a walk.  Please keep us posted.  I will be thinking of you.
Teresa