Second Wedding - Invites

TheShelley

Ok, so I know the rule is pretty much "do what you want and can afford", but I wondered from some of you on the board how far out are you inviting in your families?  My family is huge and the list gets large quickly.  My fiance can invite much more broadly in his family because there are fewer of them, does this matter?  (for example, if he asks his aunts and uncles this is 3 couples, if I do it is 10 couples). 

I also just don't want to offend anybody, but I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  If I don't, some people might be offended not to get an invite.  If I do, some who don't want to come (or don't think a second wedding is appropriate) would feel obligated to attend.  I'm in a no-win here!

If only there was a way to invite those who would want to be invited and not to invite those who don't!

radleyboo

This is so difficult.  We are inviting some cousins, and not others, and it's based on who we are close to.  I see and spend time with my cousins here in Michigan quite a bit, and even get together with the ones in Massachusetts fairly often.  But I only see the ones in Florida and Alabama once a decade.  My mom expressed some concern over that, but we had to draw the line somewhere.  We are also keeping the entire wedding limited to close family, no friends or co-workers.  That was a hard call, but drawing lines between friends would have been even harder than family.

Think of it this way...  Think of the people who are closest to you and have the most impact on you and your FI's relationship.  The ones who support and love you no matter what.  THOSE are the people who need to be at the wedding.  I know it's hard to say 'no' to people, but that old Dr. Seuss phrase comes to mind, 'Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'

Hope that helps! 

MikesAngie

TheShelley you are in the same quandary as many second time brides - I was there too...

Our guest list was far from equal as my DH has way more family than I do and his mom was adding to the guest list.  Our decision was to invite those we have relationships with and skip those we don't.   We ended up inviting close to 110 people, alot of those were children under 21, and their parents opted to leave them at home.  With the 4 no shows we had 56 people total.  If anyone acted hurt we played the "it's a second wedding and we're keeping it small" card and offered to share pictures. 

At the end of the day invite who you would like to attend and leave it up to them to decide whether or not to come.  You cannot force people to attend your event. 

right1thistime

I have 21 first cousins on my mother's side, and 20 on my Dad's.   Most are married, some with adult kids.  I am close to some, and others not so much. 
DH has 3 total first cousins, all married,with 3 total children; one aunt, and a second cousin (our officiant) & her husband. 

We didn't invite any of my aunts or uncles.  We didn't invite any of my cousins, except for one who is married to my BFF, who was also my MOH.  DH invited all of his relatives. 

Invite who you want to come.  I fully support the "no required invitations" rule for second weddings.  Plead the small wedding story.  Shrug and say, "oh, you know, its a second wedding" and change the subject.  Its rude to inquire as to why you are not invited to something, so vaguely avoiding the answer is a great solution. ~Donna

jennylee813

I feel your pain. We're drawing up our guest list now, and I have a huge family (my dad is one of 14, and my mom one of 17 - I have over a hundred cousins that I know!)

I like the idea of inviting the closer family members. After some brutal cuts, our list is still over 150. So much for small! And I know there will be several more list edits before we're ready to send out invites...

Lisa50

First and foremost, I did not approach inviting family much differently for my second wedding than I did for the first one, 19 years earlier. 

On my side, we invited family members with whom I have genuinely close relationships.  That included all my aunts and uncles, most (not all) of my first cousins and most (not all) of their adult kids -- again, only those with whom I have close relationships.

We did not invite my niece, nephew or any of their children.  H invited all of his siblings, their spouses, and their children (all adults).  We did not invite the grandchildren although his sister decided they'd come.  Everyone has one wacky relative who makes all sorts of assumptions, right?  Oh!  And one of H's sisters boycotted the wedding because she's been in a fight with another sister for more than a decade.  Yes, all of these women are over 50 years of age. *shakes head*

I invited all of my really close friends (as in since childhood) plus one newer friend.  H invited his best friend of 4 decades and his adult daughter.

It was a very small, intimate affair.  I've never been one to pretend relationships exist for the sake of appearances.

foodiddiedoo

I am having similar issues.  This is my second wedding and my fiance's first wedding.  He comes from a large close family and I have a grand total of 11 living relatives that I plan on inviting including my mom and dad.  He asked his mother and sister to help him draw up the family list from his side and they totalled up to over 100 people.  Our whole list is over 200 people now and we can't have more than 155 in our location.  He doesn't want to cut any family members because one of his cousins had a wedding last year where a lot of the family didn't get invited to the ceremony/reception, but were all asked to come to a rehearsal dinner.  We went down to the rehearsal, but a lot of the family was offended and felt like it was basically an excuse for him to get some presents out of people he didn't have room for at his actual wedding.  We don't want anything like that to happen again so he wants to play it super safe and invite anyone.  Since my list of family is so small, I'm not sure where I should trim the fat.  Should we just eliminate a bunch of friends?

jennylee813

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_second-wedding-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:a53359f7-5b49-4677-bb01-5911f826586aPost:440abdae-bebd-4166-8fe8-edfbc855bc5f">Re: Second Wedding - Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]First and foremost, I did not approach inviting family much differently for my second wedding than I did for the first one, 19 years earlier.  On my side, we invited family members with whom I have genuinely close relationships.  That included all my aunts and uncles, most (not all) of my first cousins and most (not all) of their adult kids -- again, only those with whom I have close relationships. We did not invite my niece, nephew or any of their children.  H invited all of his siblings, their spouses, and their children (all adults).  We did not invite the grandchildren although his sister decided they'd come.  Everyone has one wacky relative who makes all sorts of assumptions, right?  Oh!  And one of H's sisters boycotted the wedding because she's been in a fight with another sister for more than a decade.  Yes, all of these women are over 50 years of age. *shakes head* I invited all of my really close friends (as in since childhood) plus one newer friend.  H invited his best friend of 4 decades and his adult daughter. It was a ver y small, intimate affair. <strong> I've never been one to pretend relationships exist for the sake of appearances.</strong>
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

Agreed, and it drives my mother insane that I feel this way. She's all about appearances, and I'm really not. I have cousins that I'm closer to than others, and they'll make the list, but there's no way to invite everyone.

Kimchi Waygook

We are having a small wedding--50 people.  Each of us got to invite 25 people we wanted to have there.  His close family fills out 20 of his 25 slots, leaving 4 for friends.  On my side, I only invited 10 family members and the rest are friends.  Since I am older now--I realize that I only really wanted people there with me who I was very close to and have kept in close contact with.  

That meant a lot of family got left off, or half my high school friends in our group were not invited.  It was kind of a relief to get to pick and choose and comb through the people and decide, "who really makes me feel good when they are around?"  "Who doesn't cause me stress and makes my life more fun?" 

I mean I still have a couple "close family" coming that annoy me, but most are the people are cherish.  My fiance has a couple aunts and uncles he did not invite because they haven't talked in a while and are on the outs.  For me, my friends are more like family.  I would rather invite just those that I am close to rather than try for a gift grab and invite everyone in the world.  If you are annoyed--sorry.

PS:  Family will unfortunately always be family, but friends are family you get to choose.  I would rather offend some of my more distant relatives than ostracize my friends.  Invite those who make you feel good and less stressed.