Fiance's kids & second wedding

ange7480

I may have missed something on these boards...but my fiance has 2 children, both teenagers.  One of them and I get along really good, the older one and I have had a rocky relationship almost from the beginning.  When we started planning the wedding, the question came up on how to involve them in the wedding.  We've decided to only have 1 attendant each, because one daughter cannot be singled out as a bridesmaid over the other.  Also, one does not really want anything at all to do with our wedding.  know the youngest would love to be more involved in the wedding, but I don't want it to come across as a snub to her older sister.  We've thought about guest book attendant and gift table attendant, as options, but nothing has been decided.  Suggestion please?  Thank you.

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome

I'm assuming the one attendant you are having is not either of them. That's probably wise. I'd sit down with both of them together and indicate you'd like them involved. I would not, however, offer the "jobs" you mentioned. I would however ask them if they'd like to assist with planning, any DIY you may be doing, or you can take them dress shopping, with or without your fiance. If you have food tastings, offer to take them.

FWIW, my fiance's three kids are all over 18, my son is 23 and my daughter is 16. My 16 y/o daughter is the one that was slow to warm to the idea of marriage. Had nothing to do with my fiance, it was just the final realization that her dad (who's been married for 5 years to someone) and I were not getting back together. My fiance and I have been together 3 years, and she's now involved and looking forward to the wedding. This may or may not be the case with you, but the older one probably has the most angst about the divorce of her parents.

Good luck. Hopefully as time goes on, you can grow closer.

right1thistime

ASK them what they'd like to do.  They may be just as happy being guests.  Teens are funny (not ha-ha funny either), they may want to have lots of attention, they may want to fade into the background. 
Whatever you choose, make sure its not just a made up job.  They will figure that out immediately. ~Donna

MikesAngie

Ange - Perhaps this will help, my FDSD will walk in with her dad and stand with him - that is it.  She is not a bridesmaid, nor on the grooms side but she will be part of the sand ceremony and will carry a bouquet that matches the MOG and MOB nosegays.  We are not having family vows.

The best thing you can do to bond with teenagers is to talk to them.  Ask them what they would like to do and how their feeling.  Also with the oldest daughter she may feel like she's in someway betraying her mom or that you are trying to take her mom's place.  Sometimes the best thing in the world to do is let the child know that you know she has a mom, and you are not there to take her mom's place; but are willing to be a sounding board if life gets tricky or she needs to talk.  You need to become Sweden when it comes to that child be a neutral as possible.

As far as your wedding previous posters have some good ideas - talk to the girls and ask them what if anything they would like to do.

vb0000

My FI has 4 boys, all 14-21, and I've learned not to make anything definite with them yet.  I haven't assigned them any duties or acted as if I assumed this whole thing was ok with them, just basically left them alone.  And low and behold the other day the 18 year old told his Dad that he and his brothers want to be included.  It was hard not to say anything until now but I am SO GLAD that I waited until they started the conversation!  Oh and by the way this was at the advice if my FI, I figured since he's their Dad he would know the best way to go about this thing, and he was right!

My friend's FI has 2 teenage girls, one easy going and happy for the excitement, the other one (older one) resentful and acting out.  My friend has offered equally to both of them to help with the planning and DIY stuff, and the older one has warmed up sometimes, but then reverts back again later.  

It's probably all timing - their own timing that is.  Most teens are not emotionally flexible by nature and cannot fathom the feeling that they are "expected" to do anything.  So you have to wait, wait, wait, for that opportunity when they look up and say "hey! I want to do that!".  It will take a long time and it is also possible that the moment may not happen until the day of the wedding (or maybe not at all), so you have to be the one who is flexible and keep the offer open, and when/if that moment happens seize it, smile, say "OK!", and leave some flexibility in the day so that they can be included if they want to or not if they don't.

It may be the toughest thing you have to deal with in the whole wedding planning process but if it works out right you will have the opportunity to score some points with the teens.

Good luck and trust your gut!

thealphabride

The pp gave great advice so I'll just tell my story of how our kids got involved AND my niece and nephew, because I wanted to involve my whole family. My 2 sisters were BM, my sister in law was a reader and my brother was an usher, but I wanted their 2 kids involved too.

The night of our engagement, (christmas eve)  my then 13 year old son said he wanted to be the ring boy. We convinced him escorting the bride was a much better gig. (I didn't have a ring bearer or flower girl) He was 14 at the time of our wedding and was thrilled to escort me down the isle.

My step son was consulted before the engagement about the impending engagement and was thrilled dad "found love again" and was going to get engaged. He was asked to be the best man on that day, prior to our engagement.

So on Christmas I asked my niece and nephew if they would like to be involved. My niece is 10 and hates to wear dresses. She would love to be involved if she didn't have to wear a dress. Of course you can wear what ever you want to wear I told her, but even though it is not a dress, needs to be a dressy outfit with slacks. She was good.

My nephew said being an usher sounded too much like a job and he wanted to be completely in the background. But when his dad started telling him he would get to wear a tux, he changed his tune. He was 13 at the time. With them it was all about the clothes!!!
 

deepcovejackie

What Retread said (as usual).  Don't assign them guest book or other "duties".  They might just want to be guests.  My kids (12 and 14) were going to walk ahead of us down the aisle.  At the last minute they got stage-fright.  So we seated them in front, in their reserved seats.  No problem.  We still called them our maid of honour and our best man though!!

AbbeyS2011

I cannot add anything to the PPs.  All the advice and suggestions are good ones.

Wait, just thought of something.  Have FI talk to his daughters about their involvement in the wedding alone, without you around.  This will open up (hopefully) dialogue between Dad and his daughters about how they really feel.  Maybe have him take them out to lunch, either together or individually so they have a neutral area.  This might be best with the older one, since you said she does not seem to want to be involved, but the younger one does.

 Then, you can all sit down together and plan out what his girls want to do in the wedding.

Best of Luck!

christy29322

I was going to have my 17 y.o. daughter as maid of honor & my 14 y.o. son walk me down the aisle, but after lurking around here for awhile I've decided to just ask them what they want to do, or if they just want to be guests.
Their dad didn't give them a choice about being in his wedding, and they weren't very happy about it. I say just ask them what they want to do, if anything.

squarepeg72

Ask the girls what they want to do. My fiancee showed the ring to my 17 year old daughter in August and she helped him plan the proposal weekend in October. She said she wanted to be in the wedding and grinned from ear to ear when I asked her to be my maid of honor. My 13 year old son is walking me down the aisle and my 7 year old daughter response to beung told that we were engaged was "Can I help pick out my flower girl dress". He has helped raise his bff's 5 kids and we have asked the 3 older girls to be bridesmaids (I could hear the squeels of delight from Georgia and Florida her in VIrginia), his son to be a groomsmen and his youngest daughter to be the other flower girl.

The girls will let you know what they feel comfortable with doing. Ask them and honor their requests if you can.

dtrudel295

I guess I am in the same situation sort of except that because of his ex wife I have only met his oldest daughter and that was once because his ex does everything possible to punish him for divorceing her when she was unfaithful. By the time of our wedding we're expecting that he will have joint custody of his kids. He doesn't seem to know if we should include his children. I really want to include them in our wedding, if possible but I don't know how to approach it with him or possibly even with his children.