New huband to be gets "cold shoulder from inlaws"

starbucks1127

I'm new to the board and need advice.

My fiance has been receiving the cold shoulder from just about everyone in my family, except one brother.  My parents especially are the real problem.  This is my second wedding and I just want my new life with hm to be perfect. We've been together for almost 2 years and have set the date for the ceremony to July 2011.  So lots of time has come and gone, let alone some to be yet before the ceremony even gets here.  My mom wouldnt even meet with my fiance and he has on many occasions seen her at church and other social events we attend, but she turns her back on him and says "im not interested in talking to you". How christian is that?  That sparked a 9 month "no talking to my mom" fight.  She and I are at least on speaking terms now and I told her how I just "want to be happy again, time is short in life".  'she says he's not right for me and she says I deserve better, someone who can "take care of me, financially".  Now, hub  to be is just a nice guy and a hard worker, has moved to be closer to me two hrs from his prev. residence and family.  He has a steady full time job in our town and he is, I feel, being judged by my family before they even get to know him.  My dad cannot see him because he is housebound physically and I now I cannot bring fiance to meet at my parents cuz of how my mom feels.
I have since spoke to my mom more about how I feel and told her not to split my family (three kids previously) for the upcoming holidays.  I want him to be invited to thanksgiving dinner, which she has planned at her home.  She took a few days to think about it, and then said he could come.  Now I know that is a step in the right direction, but Im worried about this day coming soon, this thursday.
Does any one have something simiuliar happen to you, or do you have any advice for me?  I've asked my sister and 15yr daughter to be in the weddingk and they accepted.  I'm not sure if my mom would even come to the wedding or reception, so far early on, she said she wouldnt because she didnt approve.
any thoughts...? so sorry its a long soap opera.

mybooboos

First off, congratulations on your engagement!

So sorry to hear about your situation.  I don't have a similar situation to relate to, but it sounds as if your mother is taking a step in the right direction, by inviting him to dinner. Since this is his first introduction to the family, don't bring up the wedding plans, unless someone asks you about it.  Let them have a chance to get to know him first and get better aquainted witht the idea of you remarrying.

More importantly than your mom accepting him, how do your 3 children feel about him? Have thry grown to accept/like/love him? If not, that is where you should focus the need for accpetance. If your children are happy with him, it will be easier for the rest of your family to accept him.

Was your family close to your first husband, and that's why it's hard to make the transition to someone new in your life?

Good luck!

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome Starbucks 1127.

I also wonder about the answers to the questions above, regarding how your kids get along with him. To be honest, my family has been very accepting of my fiance, and his family has accepted me. However, I've seen tons of similar posts to yours on this and other boards, so it's not unusual.

Keep the faith, and hope that this family time over Thanksgiving goes well. You have a lot of time before your wedding to allow the parties to get to know each other better. It's difficult having a judgmental parent, because no one will live up to their standard. But gently remind them that they raised YOU to be a good parent, and you hope they understand that it is your life to live now.

They can get onboard or make it hard, but ultimately you hope they will accept your fiance.

Good luck. And RELAX.

starbucks1127

My oldest son has accepted him, but middle son and youngest daughter are still reserved.  My fiance and I have taken this whole relationship slow, because of all the issues involved.  But still what worries me is my daughter not wanting to be  home alone with him.  Is this normal?  I cannot be  at home ALL the time, and what will it be like then when we are married and he lives there?  I feel sometimes my daughter is putting pressure for her insecurities..but I have put her first, I feel. She'll just have to accept it just as her dad remarried as quickly as 1 1/2 mo after our divorce was final.
Daughter has already played us with "I'll go and live w/dad" and had the experience until this July. She thankfully came back to live w/me. I'm hoping she doesn't change her mind after my wedding to go live back w/dad.
As I said, she is in the wedding as my bridesmaid, so I am pleased and hoping she is making strides to accept my decision to remarry.
What my children feel  is  definitely a consideration, but as with my mom, I will make the decisions for my life who to be with.
Thanks for your input.

KatyRoseM

If your daughter doesn't want to be alone with him that is a huge red flag.  I don't have children, but I can't imagine marrying someone who my children didn't trust, or who I can't trust with them.  Have you asked her why she doens't want to be alone with him?  Do you trust her judgment in general?  Have you really listened to what her problem is?  It doesn't sound like her problem is mom is moving on, but rather she has a problem with him. 

starbucks1127

  Thanks for your input. I will speak to her again.

ranneban

I was the maid of honor in my mother's second wedding (her first she was pregnant with me and she married my real dad)
I had my reservations about the man she was marrying and my little sister living with them. I don't know if its a proctective instinct or maybe a cautious one but she stayed in her room for the majority of the day and night while he was around. I finally talked to her about it and she just said she didn't know him and it was just weird and uncomfortable seeing another man with mom. He is now a HUGE part of both of our lives and we have never seen our mother happier.
And he also gets the cold shoulder from the in laws as well. It has caused a lot of strain on the family because my grandmother hates (yes she used the word) him, and when asked why, she just says I don't need a reason. However, we live in another state so we only see them once a year.
As a daughter who gave away her mother and stood next to her on her day, I will ever be greatful that my mother was able to put herself first, ignore the comments from whoever and be happy
-sorry this is so long so Congrats and do what makes you happy

Born2bMe

Hopefully Thanksgiving was non eventful and things went well.  Looking forward to hearing about it.  As for your daughter, older children have issues with accepting new boyfriend/spouse, etc. when they've grown up seeing parents together.  It would be great for you to sit down alone, go to lunch together or something like that, where just the two of you can talk.  Sometimes they also need to be reassured that you won't love her any less.  If she threatens again to go live with her father, then so be it.  She has to realize that you and her father will not be getting back together and that boat has sailed.  Afterall, in three years she'll be moving on as well.....college...etc.

starbucks1127

Thanksgiving went well.  He even did the dishes after dinner, and I dried them. I know he was really trying hard, my mom even stayed in the kitchen while we were doing so, and I thought if she was uncomfortable, she would have left for the other room.  Thanks for your input on your moms second wedding also.  I am having my two son's older, give me away and I am wanting them to be involved in the wedding as well as see how happy I am with fiance.  I will reasure my daughter that I care for her and he wont be taking anyones place in my heart, especially hers.  I try to include her in things I'm doing, but  when she left last year, she did say i was "trying too hard". so I'm trying to relax and be non shalant, too.  You are right about her moving onto college in a few years, I look and see that coming sooner than I expect and know the little time I have with her now, will fly by.

vmmom

I do agree with making sure that the daughter's behavior isn't a "red flag" but just want to put out there that it very well may not be.  If I read your first post correctly, she is 15.  As the parent of a girl who just turned 16 (and an older one) there is sometimes no rational reason for a 15 year old's behavior.  We went through huge mood swings last year and hubby to be weathered it like a trooper (he only has one boy).  Now, at 16 and a half, she is an absolute delight. Best of luck to you1