It's Normal

Siren-in-Love

THANK YOU, OH THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!! I cried so hard reading it. The GUILT! It has tortured me. I kept things on a way smaller scale becuase I felty I did not 'deserve" a whoopti-do wedding again. In fact in one rather hurtful moment my Mother stated "it is your second wedding...why not just do it in Jeans in the backyard?"

I REALLY needed to read this.

Laura1027

Thank you.  I needed this one...even though it made me cry.

PhoenixMama your post could've been mine...

I'm finding that planning this wedding is bringing back way too much of the first....and it's making me really face the failure of my first marriage.  Plus I seem to be going thru 'the change' on top of it all and am so emotional I can't stand it.  And my sister who is one year younger than I am lost her fiance to kidney cancer one year ago tomorrow and so this is very hard for her too and I'm trying to be low key about it for her sake yet she is my MOH...Yikes, I read this and realize why I'm stressed out and crying, lol.  Oh, and I'm the gal whose FI isn't quite divorced yet...and our wedding is 52 days away...OMG - I could jump off a bridge reading my own story, lol.  (JUST Kiddding; I am ok....that is sarcasm there, not anywhere even close to doing something crazy; in spite of it all, I am a very happy, very lucky lady to have found my best friend!!!)

Again, thanks for compiling this list!!! 

Leo379

Whew, this is amazing and something I really needed to hear and to know that others feel the same. I am no spring chicken, I am 54 and he is 56. We were high school sweethearts, broke up and didn't talk for 37 years but have found our way back to each other where we should have always been. This is my second and his 4th. I AM excited to be marrying him FINALLY! But I was married for 30 years before this and had the normal big wedding. I have seen pictures of two of his 3 previous weddings.The first two were a little different but his last one was definitely the whole thing. Her in a white dress, him in a tux, cake the whole thing. it was small and at their home. As we talk about this wedding, he doesn't want a cake, doesn't know if he will wear a tux, says it depends on what I wear (which I don't know yet) and I can't help feeling like it is being downplayed even though I know it really isn't in his mind or mine. So I needed this so bad right now....I have put him through all of it and he IS still here which amazes me everyday.

pigletthegreat2000

Aweomse post!!! it is hard to plan a second(me) and thrid(him) wedding we are going totally off the gride and not telling any one. after all the fights and tears and trama from my first one I wont di it again. and the wonderful man I am going to marry when asked what he wanted at our special day he said just you! awww!!! LOL 

legallaura

Thank you so much for posting this. This is my first day reading the board and this was just what I needed to hear. I was married at 23 and divorced at 24. He moved out litterally 2 weeks after our 1 year anniversary after choosing option 3(divorce) of my two part ultimatum of therapy for his PTSD or move out til he could learn not to hit me or my dog. Remarrying at 26 to the man of my dreams, the good Christian gentleman that I always prayed for but never believed I would get. This is his first marriage and he is the baby of 3 so I want him to have a nice wedding but sometimes its hard to navigate the planning without unexpected emotions. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.

LilCrumpet

Thank you for posting this.. a lot of the time I feel so guilty.. and I have such horrible issues with my family accepting my new boyfriend. It's comforting to know I am not alone in feeling a lot of these feelings.

I was very hurt the other day when my boyfriend said to me.. "I don't know why you're getting all excited about us getting married, it's not like it's your first wedding." It hurt so bad. Am I not allowed to be happy because we are going to marry some day? Am I not allowed to be giddy and want to plan things? I don't know why he said this. It has stuck with me ever since he has. So, it's nice to see this post.

I wish all of you extreme amounts of luck and love your 2nd time around!

ShellyBaxter11

Thank you.  I just shared this with my sweetie

StephNicole1225

Thank you so much I needed that!

Forbiswedding2012

Thank you so much for posting this! It made me cry... I had no idea the feelings I am having were normal... I guess it's just hitting me that I am getting married again.It is both our 2nd marriage and his 1st was a literal shotgun wedding to Vegas and mine was a thrown together because they are pregnant and she loves him and they have to be. He cheated on me the day after he proposed so nothing was sacred at all. Everything was soooo easy to decide the first time... What I got to decide that is.. I am making a big deal out of this wedding and I am so sick of feeling guilty for it... even it's just my mother shaking her head..

ichellemay1

I am now 5 weeks until my wedding day and many of these are coming up in my head right now.  I am printing this out to keep handy during the next few weeks.

guessagain

Thank you!  I feel all of those things and am going crazy trying to plan a wedding that I think is appropriate.....we are both 46, my 3rd, his 2nd.  My dress is my biggest concern, I am not as thin as I would like, but he makes me feel young and sexy and I want his jaw to hit the floor when he sees me. 

simplemaui

It's normal to be human and understand that life gives you wonderful second chances

Great list.

belle3476

thank you for this post... was married at 19 and divorced at 25. now engaged to a wonderful man at 27. there were times that i thought i would never EVER want to get married. but it took me time to realize i was against my exH not the idea of marriage. now this time around - everything seems to be perfect. i truly have found my other half.

fignewton219

I love this! Makes me feel okay about my feelings and good to know I'm not the only one.

Lynnly2012

Wow, first day on the board and I so needed to read this. Married at 17, D at 30, I've been divorced for 22 yrs. and have 3 daughters. Looking at the years I've been divorced it may seem that I've been pretty picky? But I believe I've just been overly cautious.
The thing is I truly believe I've found the right one. Finally. We have sooo many things in common, he's wonderful and I can't wait to be a Mrs. again BUT I have to say that at least half of the "It's Normal" list has gone through my head and almost put a big damper on what could be the best time of my life. A few of the statements that jump out at me are, feeling guilty about being happy, feeling guilty about wanting a, what we call, celebration and finding it hard to believe he is real. I have to give God the credit in this one, he's the only one that could have helped me to lower my guard and let someone new in. So I've been blessed. Society can really put a "squash" on our happy moments. I think we should just go with it, make it what we want and enjoy.....just enjoy! 

hisbabygirl76

I just sat here and had to hold the tears back. I thank all the previous ladies on here who came up with this list. I have these "normal" moments so many times.

Laurmi

I sooooo needed this. 

Married at 26 to the same person I dated since I was 16, divorced at 28. Engaged at 30 and absolutely THRILLED that I found the right one this time...but it is certainly not without having to listen to other peoples opinions, concerns, etc...(mainly from people not close to me. People that are close to me know what's up!)

THANK YOU!

Laura 

jennh1313

this actually made me get a lump in my throat because a lot of this is stuff i've been feeling. i'm STILL waiting in my divorce to be finalized, and a few peopl;e have told me 'i shouldn't plan a wedding while still married'. NOT MY FAULT HE'S A JOBLESS BUM WHO CAN'T COME UP WITH THE MONEY FOR HIS SHARE OF THE DIVORCE! i'm just trying to move on and be happy with the true love of my life.

lavondagmartin

I really needed to read this post like many before me have said. I was married at 23, pregnant at the time, divorced at 32, engaged again at 34. I have tested my fiance so much that I'm afraid I may have pushed him too far. Our original wedding date was supposed to be July 7, 2012. .. However, we are postponing for now with no date even in discussion. He is from Florida, and now lives in Kentucky (where I have lived my entire life), and out cultures and backgrounds are so different. I have questioned him to the point of him saying he isn't sure he would want to stay in Kentucky forever. . .thus postponing the wedding. I told him that I can't marry someone who isn't 100% committed to staying here with me and my ten-year-old son for at least the next eight years. However, on the flip side, all this discussion has made me appreciate what we have and him so much more. I realize I completely took him and our relationship for granted. So, for now, I am happy to be engaged, and all the wedding planning has been put to the side. All that really matters is that we love each other. . .we'll get married when the time is right for us both. . .when and where that may be is nit really that important.

SJRowe

Thank you. I needed that!

jh051912

Thanks for a great post!  I was married at 35, widowed at 41, and now engaged again at 43.  Some of those sure hit close to home.  I am sure I will be re-visiting this page as time goes on just for a refresher, if I don't print it out and tape it to the wall first.    

rodandreenie

I loved the list, sooo helpful!  I was married for 21 YEARS!  Been separated/divorced for more than 4 years and now marrying my soulmate.  Had the fairy tale destination wedding then and now I want something just as or MORE special but it's hard.  I feel like I put everything into that first one and NEVER expected to be doing it again.  But alas, here I am.  Today was the first day that I'm actually excited and motivated to really start planning!  I want appropriate but fun and memorable too. Thank you for this! 

princess pop

That is amazing, and just what I needed to read. Thank you.

gail2293

I cryed when I read your post.  It's most of what I was thinking and stuff I didnt even know I was thinking.  

My biggest guilt is .......
The first time I got married I did everything myself to save money.   It all went well and I enjoyed my day  BUT
I don't want to do that again.  I want to show up and not worry about anything.  I want a nicer wedding to BUT
Oh my god it costs a lot and I have may have an ulcer just thinking about all that money spent on one day when i have a little girl to provide for, a house to improve, etc.   I won't do it all alone he will help, BUT STILL!

Asiguenza78

This was just what I needed. Thanks for posting. There is something wonderful to be felt when you realize you're not the only one.

iambellaluna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_its-normal-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91ePost:2c6e364c-3338-4627-a4d9-771596205086">Re: It's Normal</a>:
[QUOTE]Casey, I'm there with you too. Married at 20, divorced at 22.  Remarrying at 26. I struggle so hardcore with the name change too.  I resented ExLastName sooooo much.  Thinking about going the four-name approach: First Middle Maiden Married.  Not sure though.
Posted by SoSaysTara[/QUOTE]

Good to know I'm not the only one...this is my exact scenario but change 26 to 27!

CrissyMarie16

I feel this way. It is good to hear that I am not alone. What a great post!

BeckyHusband2012

This is wonderful!  I SO needed to hear so much of that!

I married at 23 to the guy I tried to make Mr. Right and wasn't.  Now at 37, I'm marrying my High School Sweetheart.  Like most brides, I feel so lucky to have a second chance!

Best wishes to all in your weddings and planning!

jwdds2013

After coming across some mean boards, I finally feel at home here. What an amazing compilation of thoughts! Definitely worthy of keeping near and dear for references! 

After being married at 21, divorced by 23, now being 30 and getting to this point again is hugely exciting and scary! 

THANKS to all those who conribited to this!

gfam23

AMEN to both you and Generic!! :)

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_its-normal-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91ePost:2b54bc3b-89d1-4deb-85ea-fad7392b9edb">Re: It's Normal</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks GenericLive... we're going into this as encore's as well... my 3rd, his 2nd - and even with the feeling of "vindication" from the annulment process (which is horrible I might add!) but even with that 'stamp of approval' I still face all of the planning woes and question the appropriateness of this and of that.  My FI wants it all... the church has a 100ft aisle - I don't want to walk all the way down that aisle - I am self conscious enough being a bride as is!  I'm traditionally Baptist, he's Catholic - as excited as I am to marry my best bud - I'm anxious/nervous about telling them - that they will look down on me - some still call me by my former married name and we've been separated/divorced for close to 6 years.  It's the Catholic/Baptist and the 3rd time around double whammy for me.  But he wants it all - it's our first time marrying each other in front of God and family and friends.  Dress, flowers, reception, cake, 1st dance... ugh.  I'm ok with all that if that's what he wants - but having a really hard time getting over a few things.   My first ceremony was gorgeous, the total fairy tale - marriage - not so much.  Married at 20, babies at late 21 and late 22, he left us at late 23 - the day before our youngest's 1st birthday... 2nd marriage was a simple dress, headpiece flowers, and a small Baptist chapel with just the children and my parents/grandmother... that was it 4 guests and us because I didn't feel it was appropriate - that was a train wreck - come to find out in the annulment process I wasn't his 2nd, but his 4th  :(    So it's been a long 'road of recovery' especially when the annulment dredged everything back up - and now I am afraid to tell my church family.  I shouldn't be afraid... is it because I'm wrong in marrying again?  because I'm wrong marrying a Catholic?  I don't think so, I've spent a whole lot of time in prayer about him, asking that the Lord just take him out of my life if he's not the right one... and he's still here, after all I've put him through, he's still here, after all of the tests, he's still here after everything...   But it's hard to get the "just a simple wedding suit would be fine"  "are you really going to have a wedding & a reception - again?"  "oh, you're not registering for gifts - are you??" out of your head...   So here are my affirmations:  (I'm printing them out and sticking them on my bathroom mirror) Yes, I am marrying my best friend for life and I am excited to start this new chapter with him!  Yes, I am having a wedding.  A beautiful, not over the top, church wedding and reception to CELEBRATE US! Yes, I am wearing a dress - that looks great on me and that will melt his heart and walking down that 100 ft aisle to him!  And I'm not wearing some suit! Yes, it is normal to feel all these other weird things, but that's the past and it's done - I'm moving on to the next chapter in my life and if people choose to not support the union, that is on them.  God is supporting the union - and with HIM, all things are possible. Yes, we have things to prepare for other than all the broo-haa-ha of a wedding - we have a lifetime to prepare for - and I am looking forward to the pre-Cana and dredging through it - together. YES, we're going to register for gifts - not pots and pans, but things we want/need as established adults.  We may do a honeyfund, register at Home Depot for new carpet, home improvements, landscaping... things that will make our combined home truly ours as we put it together the way we want it! And Finally - YES!  I am getting married!!   AND I AM EXCITED!!!   Let the life & party planning commence!!! Thanks again Generic - I needed all the "It's Normal" posts, but yours really struck a chord with me this morning... I may even go ahead and change that Facebook status from "In a relationship" to "Engaged"!! Congratulations & Best Wishes to all you Encore brides out there - we have the experience to get it right this time!  
Posted by MerryNMath[/QUOTE]