I'm done...and in tears

renjon7798

So, as I've posted before, I have a very VERY strained relationship with my mother.  But I've tried.  I asked her if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping and she informed me "It isn't my thing".  Well this morning, I got up 2 hours early to go cut, color and style her hair for a funeral and I was just making small talk.  I then invited her and my father up to Minneapolis this weekend since we are going to be up there so my FI can be with his daughter for fathers day.  My kids are with their dad in NC so I thought my parents would enjoy being with my FI's daughter, soon to be their granddaughter, also.  I also mentioned that it would be a good time for them to meet my FI ex-inlaws (with whom he is still very close and I am too now), since they are going to be at our wedding.  She said no, they didn't feel like the four hour drive.  Ok, fine.  Then she asked me, "Well just how big of a wedding are you planning?"  I told her I didn't know, because we are paying for it ourselves and I know already what she thinks about us "wasting" our money on an "unnecessary wedding".  She then looked right at me and said "Well your dad and I just aren't comfortable with you inviting any of our friends to the wedding."  Ok...I was assuming she was talking about the friends I don't really know and am ok with not inviting.  But then she went on to list about 6 or 7 couple friends of theirs who mean a lot to me.  These people have been there for me and been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember!  My children know them and my FI knows them (even plays golf with one of them).  I was speechless.  I don't even know what to say or do!  I point blank asked her if she didn't think I should marry my FI since she's so against my wedding.  She said no, she love my FI and is happy I found someone.  But she can't and won't support me having a big wedding, but will support my marriage.  What do I do?

prodigalgirl

Wow.  That's hard!  Maybe you could ask her why she isn't supportive of your wedding.  Throw out a few examples that make her reasoning ridiculous.  I'm guessing she gave you more than one birthday party, for example.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

right1thistime

Oh for pete's sake.  You are an adult couple, throwing an adult party.  Your mother doesn't own her friends, and you can invite who you want.  If you have an adult relationship with these people, go ahead and invite them. 

Call your mother the week or so before you mail the invitations (not before) and let her know that you have considered what she said, and that you feel that as an adult and the hostess you can invite whomever you want, and that you feel close to these people and intend to invite them.  Tell her (don't ask her) that you expect her to not undermine your decision.  That her friends can decide for themselves whether to attend, and that you expect she will not try to influence that.

Finally, your mother is not into this wedding. I am sorry.  If you want the pain in your head to stop, you have to stop beating it against the wall.  ~Donna

handfast4me

I'm going to repeat the advice I gave you several days ago when you posted about your mom:

Sometimes those that we're related to are not good for our mental health.  You have, as I see it, three options here.  1) cut her out of your life 2)just go about your business and wedding planning and not include her or 3) tell her that if she wants a closer relationship, she's gotta come halfway. 

However, in light of the latest development, #3 may be off the table, and #2 may come with the option that PP above suggested--that you inform you mom of the invitations just before mailing.  For me, I would not let her know.  If those people are important to you, and you want them at the wedding, you should invite them.  They're adults, too, I would presume, and if they are unable to attend the wedding for whatever reason, they can decline. 

Time to make some hard decisions. 

Marrin713

I wouldn't even inform her that these friends are being invited.  Just invite them.  I'm betting they'll accept with pleasure.

fireytiger

My mother is mentally unstable herself, and she hates her family so it was always assumed that I was not allowed to invite them. I didn't have any contact with them anyway because she'd kept me separated from them, so I didn't think too much about it. Then last November, they contacted me. They were ecstatic they'd found me and desperately wanted to be in my life, and come to my wedding. I thought about it, and I talked to close friends whose opinions meant a lot to me. Some people told me I should tell them no, because I should make the best of a bad situation. Their thoughts on it were, my mom was going to be there whether I wanted her there or not, so it's best to not have them there and avoid making a bad situation worse. Others said I should definitely invite them, I have every right to have my family in my life.

Then I talked to my dad about it. He surprised me, by saying he was glad that I got back in contact with my family on my mom's side, and that this is MY wedding with MY fiance, NOT my mom's wedding. If we both decide we want to invite members of my family because I feel that they're meaningful in my life, then I have every right to do so. And if my mom isn't happy about it, that's just tough for her. I decided to invite them, and two of my aunts are coming to the wedding. I don't think my mom knows about it, but my dad does. I'm letting him make the decision to tell her or not.

I can tell by your post that you consider these friends of your mother's almost like surrogate family. And I'm going to tell you the same thing that my dad told me. This is YOUR wedding, with YOUR fiance, NOT your mother's. You can invite anyone you want to, and if they are meaningful in your life you have every right to do so. And if your mom isn't happy about it, that's just tough for her. She'll have to get over it.

lindaloulubbock

I spent the last 3 months crying over some hassle or another that usually originated with my mother.  Go about your planning.  Try not to let her have any say about the wedding.  Only talk about it if she asks you.  Plan your wedding.  Invite who you want to invite.  She does not own your friends (or your FIs friends).  

Nannyoc

I am so sad to hear that your own Mother is trying to make you feel that she can still control you???  Personally I would invite who you'd like, those who meant something and still do in your life.  Follow your heart, invite who you wish - this is YOUR day, and you must be happy with the choices you make.  Your Mom sounds like she  has some issues she needs to sort out - be happy and don't let negative people bring you down.  Keep smiling  

Lisa50

What do you do?  Slowly back away from your mother (she's toxic).  Invite whomever you want.  Don't discuss the wedding with your mother -- at all -- ever again.  Good luck!   (((HUGS))) 

renjon7798

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice.  My FI and I just read these together and he agrees 100%.  In fact, from this point on, if she even asks about the wedding, we are simply going to tell her the plans are coming along fine, thank you for asking.  Then change the subject.

Nannyoc

Excellent response

Cheers'

Bonnie

Sue-n-Kevin

I totally agree, excellent response.

I read these posts from you, and others, and it honestly breaks my heart. I have sympathy for everyone, and can't imagine having such a terribly sad and "toxic" (good word) relationship with either parent.

Good luck to you in your planned response. As my Mom always said "Don't burn bridges". Go about your life in a loving and supportive way, the way you would like your Mom to be, but she obviously cannot.