For those with children...changing your name

jodylynn78

My daughter is 6. She is overjoyed that my fiance is about to be her step father. She absolutely adores him and he feels the same way. The problem is that she is struggling with the fact that she and I won't have the same name anymore. I have already discussed with her that nothing will change between us and though she says she knows that, she told me " I will feel like I don't have a Mommy anymore". My heart is breaking. I am sure about my decision to take my fiance's name and I know she will get used to it eventually. I just have to figure out the best way to help her accept it.

Any advice or suggestions are appreciated!

2dBride

My sympathies!  I don't have much advice, though.  I always kept my own name, which was different from my children's, so I never went through this.

One of the difficult things about your situation is that so often, a woman's changing her name on marriage is presented as "she does it because she is now part of her husband's family."  But to the child, the implication is that her mother is becoming part of a different family, one of which the child cannot be a part because she is not changing her name.

Sue-n-Kevin

2dBride, you always have the BEST insights!

Jody, I don't have an answer for you, but will give you my perspective. I was not married to the dad of either of my kids. My son's dad had nothing to do with him, and he & I share my family's name. It's a last name that few people have because it was changed when my grandfather came into the country as a child, from a very un-Americanized Polish name. It's essentially a "made up" name and the only people that have it in this country are my family.

My daughter's dad is in her life, we lived together, and she has his last name. It's a common last name, and I couldn't imagine her not having it.

My fiance's last name is common, and it would be nice to take it, but he understands how I want my son to feel the "connection" to my family name, as I am the only parent he has. My son is 23, and it probably wouldn't bother him if I changed my name, but I've had it for 54 years, and just can't see changing it.

However, when I was born, my parents did NOT give me a middle name. They thought my first name, Suzanne, (everyone calls me Sue) was so "formal" I didn't need one. So, I'm toying with the idea of taking my future husband's last name as my middle name, which will require a change to my social security card, driver's license, passport, health insurance, employer, bank accounts, etc. It isn't something I'll rush into, but might do later.

Not sure if that helps you, but it's an explanation. For what it's worth, and an AW type thing, my son is brilliant, going to grad school in DC, and wants to get into the political arena in some way in the future. So, in a way, his last name will be the same as mine, and I'll tag along on his coat tail, LOL.

It's hard to explain your decision to a 6 year old. She probably feels "betrayed" in some way, although that's obviously not your intent, as you are struggling with her reaction. What about hyphenating your last name, which isn't required, but might help her?

Good luck.

right1thistime

One of my friends who was reverting to her maiden name after a divorce explained it to her children this way:
People get their last names two ways, by blood or by marriage.  Since you have Daddy's blood, you have his last name.  I had his last name when I was married to him, and now that I am not married to him, I am going to go back to the name I have by blood (from Grandpa - who they love). 

I think that you could have a similar, easy discussion about where names come from - that doesn't have to do with the families one belongs to. 

We could have a whole long feminist debate here as well, but that won't solve your problem.  ~Donna

SSBT2010

My children are 4 and 6 and never had a problem with me going back to my maiden name after my divorce.  They never really asked about it one way or the other.  However, when telling my 4 yr old son that my name would once again change, to FI's name after marriage, he assumed his name would too and was very excited to take my FI's name.  I had to explain to him that he isn't going to have that last name right now, but once he gets older if he still wants to change his name he can. 

thealphabride

I have no advice to offer you but you have my sympathy. When I divorced 12 years ago I kept the ex h name for my sons sake. I am going to remarry in September, and my son is excited for me to take my fiance's name, although I am still conflicted about it.
I hated changing my name when I got married the first time (at 38) and now I am know professionally as ex h last name. I actually would like to go back to my maiden name, but want to take new husband's name too. I have been thinking a lot about it. My fiance is leaving it up to me of course, it is a highly personal decision according to him.

If it is this hard for an adult, I can imagine the child's feelings of conflict over it.

BEST of luck to you!

ltyka

Could you keep both names?  Example - Angela Johnson Smith?  You don't even have to hyphenate.  

fmacquarrie

My mother got remarried when I was 7, so she went from sharing my last name to taking my stepfather's last name, just like you are. It was a little hard for me, but she tried to explain all the legalities, like right1thistime said. One thing that really helped me through it (though this takes a lot of legal effort and time, and might not be worth it) was that she officially changed her name back to her maiden name before changing it to my stepfather's name. The symbolism of the name changing made a lot more sense to me then (when she wasn't married to my dad, she had her maiden name, and then she was married again, so she had that new name). Hope that helps!

SheDiva4

My sympathies go to you, what a difficult place to be.   Like Ityka said I would consider keeping both names. Most people will refer to you by the very last last name but your daughter will still feel a connection.  As she gets older and understands better that you will always be her mom, you won't have to go through a lengthy name change.

I was very lucky after getting married the only thing that had gotten legally changed was my driver's licence.  The SS office lost my application and the name change kit I purchased didn't change a thing. 

When I got divorced I still had to pay to "officially" use my maiden mane but everything was still in my maiden name. 401K, credit report, student loans



 

tommyandy

Let her know that your most important name -Mommy- will never change.

raashton

Maybe it is also her way of telling you that she believes your marriage will result in an all  new family.  Even though I am sure that she is in your wedding, perhaps you could do "family vows" to demonstrate to her that no matter how families and names change, the love only grows.  Finding a way to include her on a much deeper level could really drive home the point that no matter what your name, you'll always love her.

jodylynn78

Thanks everyone. I talked to her about it again last night and she seems to be on board...at least for now. At her age, I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it. We are doing a sand ceremony to symbolize us coming together as a family of 3. She knows about it and that seems to have helped a little. I even let her pick her own sand color which I think went a long way!

MariOthon

I love what Donna posted about this early on (about getting your last name by blood or marriage) and may have to refer to that. Just today I got my official notification that I can go back to my maiden name. I had initially decided to keep my married name for my kids' sake but have since changed my mind. My son doesn't seem to have a problem with it but I think my daughter (19) is not too happy about it.

I haven't completely decided about changing my name this time around but I'm leaning toward keeping my maiden name. If anything, I won't have to go through all this hassle to change it everywhere.

bruno811

Because of the very reason you're experiencing, I'm going to hyphenate my name.  That way, my step children will feel like I've joined their family and my three children from the first marriage won't feel alienated by the change.

madibelle

i am having the same issues as you, my daughter who is 5 and she and i do not share a last name right now cause she has her fathers name and we were never married, but they start with the same inital so she was okay with it, now that the name is going to change and i will be the same as everyone else she is not happy and wants me to keep my name. i think she feels that we will all be connected but her, so i do not know how i am going to keep telling her that it is okay.. i do appreciate everyones thoughts and will take those into consideration as we talk about it more.

luckyme502

My daughter and I haven't had the same last name in years, so it won't be a big deal when I change mine.    She is 6 now, but when she is older she won't care.  I think it's better not to enter her thoughts into this decision and just do what you want.  She might not even have the last name forever. 

Mom2SF

I had to register just to reply to this post.

My daughter is 7 and I am changing my name when I get married in July.  She is struggling with this a little bit--my FI has 4 kids so SIX of us will have HIS name and she will be the ONLY one with her name.

My FI and I have decided that we will always refer to our family as the Jones/Smith family, ALWAYS including her name.

I too keep telling her that I am her "mommy" and always will be.