My first wedding, his second...need advice

danac2010

Ok I'm new and I'm pretty sure this board is for those that are getting married a second time but I need advice from experienced brides please!

I am marrying a single dad.  We have been together since she was 2 1/2 and she is now 5.   I've been around more than mom was/has been(one weekend a month and whenever else she had time).  I now live at the house with FI and his daughter(long story).  Mom is now back in the picture(every other weekend and Thursday nights) and filling daughter's head with lies about me; I'm a horrible person, I lie, I'm stealing daddy, we are going to have another baby and get rid fo her.  I couldn't imagine not having that little girl in my life!!!  She is also starting to act out more at school.  My FI and I share dispiline roles(his idea and I have limited say) but now we are at a loss of what to do.  She didn't start acting out until she started spending more time with mom and her older children(20 and 16 who hate my FI).  Is there any advice y'all have for either one of us in this difficult situation?  My FI is scared if we do discipline her for acting out she will want to go to mommy's more and he will lose the battle.  Thanks ladies!

arv266

Hi, I am the mom of two (10 and 12) and my FI moved in with us a year ago.  I think there are two things that you are dealing with -- first thing are the ideas that the mom is putting into her little girls head.  Unfortunately, this is something that you cant control.  What you can control is how you deal with the situation.  One way is to just continue to tell your little girl how much you both love her, and how exciting it is that you're all going to be a family.  Then you need to show how what it means to be a family - spending time together playing, reading a book, things on her level.  As for discipline, I know this is a sticky part, but I believe that when a child is acting out, they are looking for some sort of attention.  To ignore it is not the way to go.  Explain that certain behaviors (tantrum, talking back, whatever) is not acceptable. Discipline is not a bad thing, its just letting little kids know what road to travel on. 

Amomtomanyluvs

hhmm...well what kind of custody does your fi have? the reason i ask is because if he has full custody and full legal and she just has visitation...or even if he has joint custody...he can go and modify it. all he would have to do is go back to the court house and state why. not saying do not let the mother see her child...but he can add a clause in the agreement that states the other parent cannot talk badley about the other...my exhusband and i have a low tolerance for that. we do not get along anymore...but neither of us is allowed to fill childrens head with lies...if my ex ever talks bad about me or my fi i can go to court and modify visits to supervised to ensure he is not speaking lies...maybe your fi can do the same.

as far as dsiplining her...i mean if she is acting up in school, perhaps its time to ask the school if they offer some kind of counseling for children from seperate or changing homes. my daughter went to one and it helped her attitude. if not can i suggest taking her to a therapist...so she can talk about her feelings...then you can deal with the school part and displine...but get to the root of her feelings. good luck!!

danac2010

Thanks ladies!  I think I will talk to him about going to court and seeing about changing the terms.  They technically have 50/50 but the papers say she has to go to a certain school district and mom moved out of that so she lost her week nights.  She picks her up from school Thursdays and then he picks her back up after work so she can do homework.  I'll also see about counselling at the school.  She is behind a year maturity wise so its a little harder to get her to talk about how she feels about stuff.  Its been a rough few months after mom learned about the engagement but I make sure she knows I love her and will always want her around.  We have our little times during the week together without Daddy and vise versa so she gets alone time with both of us and then weekends is fun family time!

mrsaltevogt

I'm in a similar situation, marrying a single dad. He and his ex have joint custody, 50/50, so it's harder because his son goes back and forth between our houses all the time. Anyway, his ex went a little psychotic after she found out we were engaged, and I know that was the reason. Making up complete lies, picking ridiculous fights, etc. But she's calmed down wtih time. I'm sure she's figured out that she's not going to come between us. I hope for you that his ex calms down with time... she's probably just upset that he's getting married again, and unfortunately her actions are having an effect on her daughter.

deepcovejackie

It might be a good idea to set up counselling for this little girl.  She may need an adult that is "on her side" and is also impartial.  She needs to know it's ok to love both parents, and it's not disloyal to love the parent she isn't with during that week.

Discipline is not a bad thing, kids actually crave discipline, as it adds to stability.  You're not going to "lose" a five year old by creating firm and loving boundaries.  It would be ideal for all parents to be on the same page as regards house and school rules.  Get on the same page with her mom and fast.  It's not about you, her mom or her dad.  It's really about the child.  Try and all be on the same team with that, in the best interests of the child.

My kids, 13 and 11, are actually quite annoyed because my FI, their dad and I are all co-parenting with absolute consistency and dedication to their well-being.  This involves much communication and compromise.  The kids can't play one parent off the other.

Food for thought for you, my very best wishes to you.  It's not an easy position to be in.  I respect your concern for your stepdaughter.  It will get better.

adrianzbride

I think you have gotten some excellent advice here.  I hope the ex will realize that she needs to change her tune for her daughter's benefit.  You sound like a wonderful stepmother.  I hope things improve soon.  I agree with the suggestion of counseling for the little girl. 

Sue-n-Kevin

I agree, excellent advice above.

We went through some very rough patches because my daughter HATES her dad's wife, who is a negative, critical and mean-spirited person. My daughter was 5 when her dad left, and they have a great relationship 10 years later, and always have had one.

I think the important thing is to bring consistency to your home life, which it sounds like you are doing. It starts with the "good stuff" feeling like a family, doing things together; the "acting out" and inherent discipline issues tend to melt away when a child feels secure in their home, which your residence is for her.

I'm also a firm believer in counselling, which has helped me, my son, my daughter in the past. It really never is too early to do this, even though she's only 5. If the health insurance plan she is on does not cover this, check around your local area for social services or cheaper counselling options. This is an important additional step to getting her to someone who is on her side, and impartial. Don't be surprised if the therapist has your fiance's ex attend also. This will help to "flush out" her poisonous behavior and perhaps help her as well.

The legal option may be helpful, but shouldn't be the only way.

Good luck. It sounds as though you are making your house a "home" for her, which in the end, is what is right for her.

Keep us informed.

californiadreamin07

I can't say I've been in this situation, but my friend is in a similar one, and she's been doing something that may work for you.  She sits down and does projects with her bf’s child, for the mother, so that she is not being negative.  For example, she helped him make a macaroni necklace for his mom for Mother's Day.  I thought it was a nice idea, and a good way to show him that she has nothing against his mother, and also to show that she wants to spend time with him, and definitely has no plans to take Daddy away or replace the child with a new one.

ericalarue

Another consideration (and I'm not sure if this has been covered yet) is that you two getting married is a big deal in your soon-to-be stepdaughter's world, even though you've been very much a part of her life for a long time. What her birth mom is telling her isn't helping matters any, either. Some of the things previous posters have said about making sure you spend family time together will probably help a lot, but it might also help to have a kid-level chat with her- asking her things like what she thinks it'll be like when you and her dad are married. At her age, acting out is just as much a way of expressing anxiety/fear as it is looking for attention, so taking the time to give her a little extra support as she sorts through this transition will likely decrease that behaviour. Good luck!