Second Weddings

How degrading...

Long story short… my EH has primary custody of our 2 children. When we divorced I left and we made the decision that the schools were better where he is and we didn't want to shake the kids lives up too bad. It works for the most part but I feel so less than a woman and mother sometimes. Today is one of those days. It's like I feel like I'm SUPPOSED to have them because society says so and my family pretty much feels that way too. I let them pressure me into a nasty custody battle and now the relationship is SEVERELY strained between my EH and I. I've apologized to him for everything we went through (in an attempt to mend the parenting relationship at the very least...) Now it's as if I have to ask his permission to see my own children and its terribly degrading. There STILL isn't a court order that irons out our parenting/custody agreement and right now he has the "upper hand" because they are with him the majority of the time (the school year). It is now summer and well... I don't have them because he wont "let" me. I just asked to have them for the upcoming holiday weekend and he told me he already had plans. Yes I know I can go to court and fight this thing out but as some of you know that's SO taxing and it doesn't help that we are in two TOTALLY different regions of the country. I don't even know what advice I'm asking for... if any. I just feel less than a woman and mother right now and it's killing me. I keep telling myself that I'm doing what's best for my children and their education but gosh.... FI is VERY supportive but even he can't understand the feelings I go through.

Any ladies dealt with something like this before? 

Signed,

Having a LOWER than low day
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Re: How degrading...

  • edited December 2011
    I have not dealt with the specific problem you are, but I have dealt with trying to work with an E-h on things outside a legal agreement, and have come to the conclusion that in my case at least it is not possible.  As draining and terrible as court is, in my case at least its my only option and it sounds like it might be in yours as well.  I think you may have to bite the bullet and go to court.  It will not help you with this holiday weekend, but it will put specifics around your parenting time and in the long run, empower you as their mother. 

    Court is exhausing, and miserable, and terrifying.  I know, I am there.  But reading what you wrote I think you have to do it.  You will feel better once its over (I keep telling myself that, too!)
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't want to sound harsh, but, this shouldn't be a question.  Bottom line, do you think your relationship with your children is worth fighting for?

    The longer you wait the harder it will get.  I have custody of my 2 girls.  My ex spent many years without being in their lives.  Now he's trying to get into their lives again, and finding it difficult.  Teens and pre-teens don't just open up to 'strangers' well, even if there is a blood connection.

    Fight for them, the sooner the better.  
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_degrading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:c984a704-0449-478c-8c80-7704f31d8b33Post:457e00b2-4ccd-40c8-bc75-a53b3306515f">Re: How degrading...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't want to sound harsh, but, this shouldn't be a question.  Bottom line, do you think your relationship with your children is worth fighting for? The longer you wait the harder it will get.  I have custody of my 2 girls.  My ex spent many years without being in their lives.  Now he's trying to get into their lives again, and finding it difficult.  Teens and pre-teens don't just open up to 'strangers' well, even if there is a blood connection. Fight for them, the sooner the better.  
    Posted by mmhepb[/QUOTE]

    <div>Not harsh at all... I'm just afraid that by "upsetting" the situation it will make it that much more worse on me. Maybe I'm afraid of him still (there was a lot of abuse in the marriage) and he knows this. </div><div>
    </div><div>I dunno. </div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: I meet with an atty tomorrow about bankruptcy. I'm going to ask him what he thinks.</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree....fight for them.  I totally understand the school situation and if they are better where they already are- then leave them there for school.  BUT- spring breaks...Christmas vacation, summer vacation- you should be able to get them for that.
  • edited December 2011
    First of all - how old are your kids?  That may impact my suggestions.

    I agree - if your ex is not "letting" you have your kids - then you need a TRUE custody agreement.  Go and get it.  It isn't fighting with him - it is just making it more official. 

    In the custody agreement - iron it ALL out.  Holidays and school vacations.  How to manage special events like a vacation or such.  If you can't talk honestly and openly with your ex about your kids then you need the court to help you.

    I officially have custody of my daughters.  BUT they live with my ex more.  (I travel for work almost every week and we didn't want to move them from their schools)  I also have an amazing relationship with my ex.  We are both very flexible about our schedules.  It was OUR divorce - not mom and dad's - if you get me.  In everything we have done, we tried to protect the girls from the changes.  Yes they still have had changes.  But they can see us working together to make sure they still have a full time Mom and a full time Dad. 

    My girls are teenagers - and I talk to them daily - via text or phone.  Even when I'm in Europe or Asia.  However if they were younger it would be harder, and therefore I would have to make a more concentrated effort to make sure our relationship was still growing. 

    You can still be a Full time MOM, even if your kids don't live with you the majority of the time.  Step 1. get custody agreement ironed out Step 2 - figure out how you can be in their lives more than just occasionally.

    Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    Crap just re-read your follow-up post.

    If he was abusive to you - why would you leave your kids with him?  I know abusive partners don't always become abusive parents - but why take the chance.

    Schools be damned.  If you can prove his abuse - then I find it hard to believe that any court would not demand you have at the LEAST 50/50 custody.

    Talk to your lawyer. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_degrading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:c984a704-0449-478c-8c80-7704f31d8b33Post:eb646c93-bc9d-4333-964e-24d1a71a1d34">Re: How degrading...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Crap just re-read your follow-up post. If he was abusive to you - why would you leave your kids with him?  I know abusive partners don't always become abusive parents - but why take the chance. Schools be damned.  If you can prove his abuse - then I find it hard to believe that any court would not demand you have at the LEAST 50/50 custody. Talk to your lawyer. 
    Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

    <div>The kids are 5 and 4... the thing is he was NEVER ever a bad father just a terrible husband. In my trying to keep the peace I just left. I didn't think it alllll the way through and when I filed for divorce I didn't ask for the clothes in the house much less visition, etc. It's a terrible decision that I'm dealing with being older and wiser. Am I making ANY sense? I feel like I'm rambling trying to convey what's in my head. </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_degrading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:c984a704-0449-478c-8c80-7704f31d8b33Post:9047e1d7-97cd-4c35-9820-29a72705cbf6">Re: How degrading...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How degrading... : The kids are 5 and 4... the thing is he was NEVER ever a bad father just a terrible husband. In my trying to keep the peace I just left. I didn't think it alllll the way through and when I filed for divorce I didn't ask for the clothes in the house much less visition, etc. It's a terrible decision that I'm dealing with being older and wiser. Am I making ANY sense? I feel like I'm rambling trying to convey what's in my head. 
    Posted by Soon2BSand[/QUOTE]

    Ok - back to my comment "Schools be damned" at 5 and 4 they aren't old enough to be established in schools yet (mine are in HS and middle schools).  Figure out what You really want and how you'd make it work.

    THEN

    Talk to your lawyer.  I understand the get out now aspect you described, but it's time you go back and take care of your unfinished business. 

    Do you not see his manipulation of the custody as another way to control you? 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_degrading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:c984a704-0449-478c-8c80-7704f31d8b33Post:faaed4f6-4ca8-4742-a174-ceef71d41a4a">Re: How degrading...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How degrading... : Ok - back to my comment "Schools be damned" at 5 and 4 they aren't old enough to be established in schools yet (mine are in HS and middle schools).  Figure out what You really want and how you'd make it work. THEN Talk to your lawyer.  I understand the get out now aspect you described, but it's time you go back and take care of your unfinished business.  <strong>Do you not see his manipulation of the custody as another way to control you? </strong>
    Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes. Now I just have to get the balls to do something about it...</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    Ok - so this is me giving you a swift kick in the hinney!  :)

    Go find your balls!  I bet yours are bigger than his anyway! 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_degrading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:c984a704-0449-478c-8c80-7704f31d8b33Post:36d871e2-b306-4bdf-82a2-48ed108296fb">Re: How degrading...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok - so this is me giving you a swift kick in the hinney!  :) Go find your balls!  I bet yours are bigger than his anyway! 
    Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

    <div>You just made me smile for the first time today... Thank you. :)</div>
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  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Doit...do it...do it.  Another kick in the ass from someone who knows.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs.  
    1 - if he was abusive, even if not to them, they shouldn't be with him.  If he enters a new adult relationship and is abusive towards that person, then your kids will see that, and it will become the norm, what they will take into their future relationships.
    2. They are still very young.  Even if they can't live with you for now, be there, as much as possible.  Let them know they are important.  Kids will know this if you are spending time with them.
    I know it's hard going to lawyers, but it's worth it.  Also, I don't know the laws in DC, but here's a link to some info on Texas standard custody.  It might help to see how some standard custody agreements are worded so you can know where to start.
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    You should fight for those children. I disagree with your approach on many points, but this one in particular, grabbed my attention "he was never a bad father, just a terrible husband."  By being a terrible husband, he was, in fact, being a bad father.  He set an example of how wives could/should be treated.  That is just plain horrific. 

    We've actually had a similar discussion on this board before, and I believe that even when the parents are trying to hide their feelings and issues from the children, the children are aware of something not being right. 

    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    ""he was never a bad father, just a terrible husband."  By being a terrible husband, he was, in fact, being a bad father. " Amen, sister!

    Don't wait to fight for your children.  Whatever happend in your divorce happened.  Today is a new day.  Fight for them.  And, my personal opinion, "I'm just afraid that by "upsetting" the situation it will make it that much more worse on me" flies straight out the window when your'e talking about your children.  Sacrifice on stuff--your clothes your home, whatever to make things easier for yourself, but when it comes to your kids you fight for what is best for them NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS for you. 
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If he was abusive to you, he will be either to them or in front of them to another - which is just as bad.

    Get your children in your care - period.  Yes it's going to be scary for a little bit - but their future well being and sense of normalcy is what is at stake.  Don't let him use them to control you. You and they deserve a happy, healthy, abuse free future. 
  • ebuchanan89ebuchanan89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Go fight for your kids.  They are little and they don't understand why you left - and they miss you very much!!!!!  Switching schools should be the last thing you worry about.  Abusive people don't change.  It will end up coming out in different ways towards those kids.  Not to mention what he might be saying about you to them. 

    I am sorry if I sound mean or harsh, but I am very passionate about this subject.  My kids were 5 and 6 when I packed them up and left a husband who was verbally abusive towards me - he also had serious drug and alcohol issues.  They have had limited contact with him since we left and he is now in prision because of his actions while using drugs and alcohol.  My kids are now 7 and 8 and they miss him (even though they used to cry themselves to sleep and tell me that they didn't want to live with daddy anymore).  Now, one cries because she wants to see him, and one is angry at him because he can't see him.

    Get yourself a wireless handheld digital recorder and record every word he says to you.  Keep a separate e-mail account that you only use for contact with him.  Keep copies of every e-mail you send/receive.  Keep your e-mails to the facts only - you don't want to have to explain any behavior to the courts.  Start being pushy about seeing your children and start insisting that you get to talk to them every week.  Record those conversations, too.  Find and attorney and start the process of getting custody.  Dealing with an abusive Ex is scary - you don't know what to expect, you don't want to rock the boat, etc, etc.  I get it. BUT YOUR KIDS NEED YOU, TOO.

    There is a website: myfamilywizard. com.  Look at it, see what you think.  It could be a really good/safe way for you to communicate with your Ex, and it provides some security you have a record of all contacts - and no one can claim that an e-mail was "doctored', or that they didn't read an e-mail when the actually did.  It's a way to protect yourself in your communications.

    He can only control what you let him control.  As hard as it is to stand up to him, you have to do it, and the more you do it the easier it will be.  You have the support of your FI.  Use your kids as your motivation.  Remember - YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN!   YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CHILDREN. You might be fighting an uphill battle to reverse the original custody agreement, but you can do it.  I see a lot of different people, from all walks of life, come through our day care center - I have seen all kinds of parents - and sometimes I am amazed that certain people still have custody of their kids, but they do.  You can't possibly be like some of those parents, which meens, if they have custody/visitation with their children, then you can too.

    Good Luck.  Please keep us posted.
  • edited December 2011
    ebuchanan89  THANK YOU a ton!

    Ladies... the ball has been put in motion. I hope to have an update on this really soon! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO much for the encouragement. I honestly didn't have the courage to do anything about this until I found this board. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_degrading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:c984a704-0449-478c-8c80-7704f31d8b33Post:876f4bed-8b07-47a8-a622-ba5e60558c2e">Re: How degrading...</a>:
    [QUOTE]@ ebuchanan89   THANK YOU a ton! Ladies... <strong>the ball has been put in motion. I hope to have an update on this really soon!</strong> THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO much for the encouragement. I honestly didn't have the courage to do anything about this until I found this board. 
    Posted by Soon2BSand[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is wonderful!  Things may, and probably will, get tougher.  Remember to reach out; IRL friends, God, or here.  If you need encouragement or advice, just ask.</div><div>Again, great to hear you've taken that step.</div>
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