Am I wrong???

20pearls16

I don't want to have any sort of ceremony to include the children. No sand ceremony, no candles etc. I am going to have them stand with us (like attendants) when we say our vows, but that is it. Other them them we are not having a bridal party. They are also older too 20, 14, 12 and his daughter is 5. We bought a house and have been living together for over a year, so I feel we are very incorporated lol. What do you guys think?

handfast4me

No, that isn't wrong.  The wedding is between you two adults.  I truly think that most of these family ceremonies are ridiculous.  And the vows between children smacks of pedophilia.  As long as you two are fine with it, and the children understand the ceremony, you're OK.

Avion22

I think what you have planned is fine.

I don't have kids, and neither does my husband, so take my opinion with a grain of salt....but I don't think it's appropriate to inlclude ANYONE in the ceremony except for the bride and groom.   Children shouldn't be involved in vows, and I think a sand ceremony is an implied way of making a promise.   It's especially weird, and could be VERY uncomfortable if the child still has two living parents, as it kind of implies that one parent is being replaced.  It's cool for the two of you to promise to accept each other's families, but kids (even adult ones) shouldn't be part of the ceremony.    I'm even against flower girls and ring bearers (kids shouldn't be props, and kids young enough to be flower girls and ring bearers don't understand what marriage really is).  

Having your children as attendants, or even as guests, is fine.  It's still a huge honor:-)

boaznruth

I have two children from a previous marriage, but my FI has raised them as his own for 3 years.  

We're having my daughter be the flower girl and then stand next to me as the maid of honor.  We're having my son escort me down the aisle and then stand next to my FI as the best man.  They're both very excited about this and looking forward to it.  We're not having any kind of sand ceremony or family vows.  To me, the wedding is more about the promises my FI and I will make to each other and they are there as the people closest to us to help us celebrate.  We're including them in the planning and decorating and they've been enjoying that part immensely.

I think that each family has to figure out on its own what works best for them as far as weddings are concerned.  I'm sure some families find a lot of meaning through a sand ceremony or family vows and I think that's great if it works for them.  I think other families the children might feel awkward or like they were betraying the other parent if they were too involved in the ceremony and I think it's best to respect that if it's the case.

It sounds like you are including them in ways that feel right for your family, which I think is the best thing anyone can do!

mdeidre

I am so glad you said that!  I love my FI's kids, but no way am I saying vows to them!  I did want them to maybe be our attendants or something, but I definitely think it's inappropriate to have any ceremony where I'm saying voes to them, giving them rings or anything like that.  I promise to care for and nurture them everyday when I cook their food, clean up their messes and keep them safe.

xobride

I don't necessarily have an issue with people who choose to incorporate their kids with vows, pledges, whatever, but we're not.  FI's kids are all grown and have kids of their own and may or may not even come to the wedding.  Mine are 15, 13, 12 and 11 and haven't seen their dad in 2 years.  I believe in actions more than words and his have already shown that he's committed to them and I think anything else during the ceremony would just make them uncomfortable and drag it out and I don't want a long ceremony to begin with.  My daughter will come out in front as the flower girl because she wants to and my youngest son will walk in front of me carrying the rings while my oldest two boys walk on either side.  They will all sit down on the front row once we get to the alter, though and we're not having any attendants on either side.

Lisa50

I think what you've chosen is absolutely the way to go.  Wedding vows are for bride and groom only.  If you've asked the kids to be attendants, then fine.  If some want to stand as attendants and some don't, then that's fine too. 

In my opinion, all of the sand, tree, wine and other adjunct ceremonies draw attention and focus away from the vows.  You're headed in the right direction. 

Have a great wedding and enjoy!

pearls687

If you're wrong, then that makes two of us!  I have a 16 yr old and FI has 16 and 18 yr olds, all of whom live with us and will be the only attendants in our wedding.  We aren't doing any special ceremonies but we are displaying a family portrait in lieu of a bridal portrait at the reception to acknowledge the blending of our famililes.

20pearls16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:ca1ed07d-a042-4d3c-beb8-8f34457b3dd6Post:a11ba11f-e245-412b-9eeb-6324f58221ad">Re: Am I wrong???</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're wrong, then that makes two of us!  I have a 16 yr old and FI has 16 and 18 yr olds, all of whom live with us and will be the only attendants in our wedding.  We aren't doing any special ceremonies but we are displaying a family portrait in lieu of a bridal portrait at the reception to acknowledge the blending of our famililes.
Posted by pearls687[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That is a great idea!!!! I will have to steal that one.</div>

squarepeg72

I have 3 from my first marriage (girls 19 & 8, boy 13) and they all play a part in the wedding. The oldest is MOH, the baby is flowergirl and the boy is walking me down the aisle and standing with FH & the GM. Each is carring out a role they asked to have and each is very excited for us. The children are not "giving me away" but are asking FH to join our family. THe vows will be between FH & me only but we are creating and hourglass with 5 colors of sand as a part of the ceremony to represent the creation of our new family. My ex married 3 months after the divorce was finalized to the woman that had been my MOH when we married and is the children's godmother as well as thier stepmother. My three know FH is not trying to replace thier dad, but he has talked to eachof them about how he is there to support them and me in everyway possible. make your ceremony what you need it to be and remember: the vows of a marriage are between the man and woman ...

RichNicci4211122

My FI and I both have children from our previous marriages.  He has 4 and  I have 2.  We have included them in the wedding party since they are all older, and we will be having a unity candle for he and I only.  We asked the kids if they wanted to be a part of the wedding and they agreed.  Do what makes you happy, but make sure that the kids are ok with it before you make a final decision.

impalin03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ca1ed07d-a042-4d3c-beb8-8f34457b3dd6Post:ca08aaea-c6c0-40b4-81b2-562c5df75a94">Re: Am I wrong???</a>:
[QUOTE] THe vows will be between FH & me only but we are creating and hourglass with 5 colors of sand as a part of the ceremony to represent the creation of our new family.Posted by squarepeg72[/QUOTE]
My FH and I are doing the same thing. We are not necessarily having the "sand ceremony" but a family blending to create "our" family. She is going to adjust the words to what my FH and I have recreated, which will be a committment of sorts to ourselves as parents and to the kids and to keep the family bonds strong as we embark on this new journey as husband and wife. We talked to our sons about this, they are 21, 17 and 16, the two oldest being mine and the youngest his.

As far as the thread goes, no you are not wrong to not want to do this or any of the other traditional or  non traditional ceremonial things. Everyone has their own ideas or opinions on what they wish for their wedding and not everyone agrees on what they believe in what they feel. I think you are right to stand up for what you believe in and not go for it just because everyone else does, so good for you. :) There are a lot of people that do the unity candle or sand ceremony just because everyone else does it or its expected of them "to do" so, not because they believe it or because they feel it is right or justified. Just think, you are also saving some money too ;) thats always a plus :)

dianeski4

I'm doing something very similar.......my FI has 2 adult children, I have 4 (18, 16, 14, 12) - all 6 are girls.  We are not having any attendants at all.  We are having a very small ceremony where the children will be present but not take part in.  To me, the exchange of vows is for the two of us, not the children.  They are our children and they know they will always be a part of us.  Words, candles, etc is just for show.  They have been included in some of the planning of the wedding where they show interest - decorations, music, food, etc.  Mine especially are very content with whats going on and they live with us. 

I hope you enjoy your big day as much as I plan to!  Congrats!