Help...trying to include my new son...

needle&thread

Hey girls...I need your help.  My FI and I have a son each, both 13. He and his son live in OR and my son and I live in PA. FI is moving to PA and we plan to get married in 2012; we are trying to save money for everything...new house included.  Only thing my FI doesn't want to buy a house with enough bedrooms for my new son..as if he will never visit or anything. 

I do not want my new son to think he is not welcome or that I wasn't thinking of him when we planned our new household.  I want him to have his own space when he comes to visit and if he wants to stay, he is welcome.

PS. My new son and I have never met--I can't have this as his first impression!!

What do I do?

S and CJ

MikesAngie

Here's what I would suggest is that you talk with your FI.  Ask him what his thoughts are on having a guest bedroom so that if family or friends or his son want to visit there is a place in your home for them to stay. 

AdelphiTN

Oh yeah you definitely need a space for him.  It doesn't have to be a bedroom dedicated to him... consider a guest room like Angie suggested or even a combined office/bedroom. But decorate it in his favorate color and personalize it for him.

Your FI is moving away from his son. He needs to make sure his son still feels part of this new life.

lynniearudner

I think you may want to discuss with your FI why he doesnt think its important to have a room dedicated to his son (if thats indeed what you said, i got a little confused) and let him know your feelings. i am a little surprised by this (again, if i interpreted this corrected) since i would imagine your FI would want to do everything possible to include his own son. 

i do think its important for you to try to make the best "1st impression" you can, and perhaps having a space for his son is one way to do that. 

if the issue is $$, maybe there is some way to have a guest room that can be tailored to fit his son when he son comes to visit (i hope he does!). 

kudos to you for keeping him in mind! thats a great thing to do., 

Sue-n-Kevin

I have a home with 3 bedrooms and a finished basement. These are pretty standard in homes regardless of age (unless it's a small ranch home built after WWII with only 2 bedrooms, but even many of them have basements).

I've prepared a nice guest bedroom with a tv, trundle bed, dresser and shelves. It's my "craft room" when no one is here, but a guest bedroom when my son comes home from DC, or anyone else visits.

I don't think your fiance is thinking straight, so clue him in. Many people have guests regardless of whether they are son or another family member or friend. Explain that you want an "extra" room that serves multiple purposes, ie office, computer room, etc, but also has a bed and other essential furniture to serve as a guest room.

Good luck.

Marrin713

Maybe its a custodial thing with the mom.  I know sometimes the agreement is that the child cannot leave the state with the non-custodial parent. 

I wonder why your FI has not told you the reason.  That's a bit weird IMO

PiscesFish

If like Marrin said, it's custodial,  IMO your fiance needs to make some new arrangements with the mom.  Who very likely is hurt/angry on her son's behalf that his dad is moving across the country.

You need to listen very carefully to why your FI doesn't want to at least make a guest room personalized for his son, or put an extra bed in your son's room so the two can share when your stepson comes to "visit".  WIthout backstory, this seems like a huge red flag. 

thealphabride

I agree with the pp. Upon reading your post the first thing that came to mind is why is a man moving across the country away from his 13 year old son? And I am assuming there are no other kids, since it is just the son's room that is in question.

I may get flamed for this, but this doesn't sit right with me, at all. 

My father moved to another state with his new wife (leaving my mom with 4 kids to raise on her own with no help at all) and basically cut us out, so I'm sensitive to this situation coming from the kids point of view. He never failed to pay child support but wasn't a part of our lives in any other way at all. It was his doing not the new wife. He is an adult and made his own decisions.

Your fiance doesn't want to have a room for his son at your new home? A red flag in my opinion, without further explaination or back story from you.

How long have you known him? Can we have some background?

needle&thread

Thanks for all your suggestions...here is the whole story...

FI only has one son and his son is his EW's only child. My FI doesn't want to 'take' him from his mother--boys want to be with dad; so I think that he is making it so that he stays with his mom as long as possible, so she won't feel betrayed. EW does not know I exist; my EH does not know FI exists--although we are not being secretive, it just hasn't been an issue to tell it.

*****THIS IS NOT AN ABANDONMENT ISSUE*****

FI currently pays child support--OR law states that the state pays regardless of parent financial status and parent pays the state back.  I have already taken steps to make sure that his child support is going paid through PA (without missing a beat-and if it does miss a beat, I'LL HAVE FI SEND A CHECK/M.O.!!!)...and I'm receiving support from my EH!!!  BABIES MUST EAT, BE HOUSED, WARM AND EDUCATED... NO EXCUSES!!!! THEY DID NOT ASK TO COME HERE---WE WENT AND GOT THEM!!!!   (FOR THE RECORD)

Now, I haven't known FI long--but we met through friends and we are having a long engagement and plenty of pre-marital counseling (at least a year)...anything thats wrong will come out!!  The wedding isn't until April 2012...

My current house is a 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath with a garage...but the bedrooms aren't that big. I've been here 20 years.  FI doesn't want to live in the city so he wants to get a single in the burbs.  My point to him is why get a house in the burbs if you aren't going to get more space?  Right? 

thealphabride

N&T thanks for the background, it helps us understand the situation.

Being the mom of one child I can understand. He's an upstanding guy for not wanting to take the child away from his mom, but boys need their dads too, and I hope and pray there are plenty of phone calls, letters, e mails, cards, and visits.

He doesn't have to take the child away from his mom to have a good relationship with him. Just plenty of regular contact. Also your new son needs a ROOM in your home.

My ex is a total idiot and doesn't pay regular child support, but I wouldn't ever think of keeping my son from his dad. It's just not right.

ivygarland

I would imagine that their custody decision involved vistation, or at the very least it should.  So, even if his son stays with his mother during the school year, he will visit his dad. My son lives with his dad, out of state, and we have a room for him when he visits in the summer and holidays. I think it is sweet that your fiance doesn't want to "take his son from his mother" but that imagining that his son would not visit at all seems a little naive. So, while he may not need his own dedicated bedroom, he should have a space. Maybe your son's bedroom can have bunk beds, which can be used for guests most times, and visits on other times.

My dad also did not make a space for me in his house, and it hurt well after my childhood was over. I would think this was a good topic for the pre-marital counseling you are engaging in.

PiscesFish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_helptrying-include-new-son?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ca5ec5c6-6fd5-49d6-8e55-9dc3f8454c10Post:1b409261-b143-46e6-bae8-7f01bc7b72e8">Re: Help...trying to include my new son...</a>:
[QUOTE]EW does not know I exist; my EH does not know FI exists--although we are not being secretive, it just hasn't been an issue to tell it. Posted by needle&thread[/QUOTE]

With all due respect, I very strongly disagree with you that it's "not an issue to tell it".

Both you and your FI have children with your exes, which means that you have the responsibility to coparent with them.  And as parents, they need to know if their child is getting a new stepparent - which can trigger a whole range of emotions, adjustments, etc.   Even if the only reason they have a right to know is so that they can be the best parents they can be/have a complete picture of what's going on in their child's life, they still have the right to know.

And IMO, you need to be asking your FI why your existence/ his move 3000 miles away are a "dirty little secret".  You deserve better than that, and so does your future SS.

thealphabride

You say you don't know your FI that long. This concerns me. How long have you been divorced? Have you ever lived in the same town with your FI or has it always been long distance? How long have you dated?

I've made a lot of very STUPID moves and mistakes in my life when it comes to men, and bad choices, and I am hoping someone can benefit from my learning experince without screwing up their own life.

I hope you don't sell your home of 20 years until you get to know him a lot better. Being long distance, it is difficult to get to know someone. Please don't let go of your biggest asset until you get to know him a lot better, protect yourself and your child. I applaud your efforts at one year of pre marital counseling to get to know each other, but live apart while that goes on.

Is he moving into his own place when he moves out to PA? or directly in with you?
  
If he moves in with you without you knowing him very well it could turn out badly.

And when are you planning on telling your ex? When your Fiance moves there?  
 
I knew my fiance a short time and he suggested that "some day" we could combine our lives. I said oh "get married" ???  He said maybe live together.
Wrong answer.

I politely declined. Been there, done that. No desire to ever live with another man unless we are married. I won't live together. I won't sell my biggest asset to go play house with a man, or rearrange my home to accomodate someone whom I am not related to.  Take a stand be smart and protect yourself, your child and your ASSETS.  

needle&thread

Ok...I hear all of you...(love all the moms)...

First, nobody is moving in or getting a key until we are married...the first husband didn't either!  First time, he came home from work and forgot he didn't have a key yet!!!  (not confused about that)

Second, if I sell my house, the money is mine and will go into an account for my son's college tuition--bottom line!  (not confused about that)

Third, I am no-ones dirty secret!!!  His entire family knows about me, just not the ex.  I do not owe my ex anything--you don't know the back story on that and I won't get into it. (smile)

Fourth, we are both Christians and are abstinent--so the physical thing that usually confuses situations is not an issue here!!

Not telling our exes is just to keep the drama under control--not a 'sneaky thing' (as if we're gonna get in trouble by mom?!)  His ex already gives him problems about seeing his son because her family is politically connected and will not allow it...for bitterness reasons--so he doesn't rock the boat. 

Meanwhile, I have talked to FI and we will get a house with 4 bedrooms (he's paying!-LOL) but I have to agree to a barn too!!  Barn...no problem!

Thanks for your comments, everyone, I really appreciate it!!