You want to get married where!?!

StephanieM22

The other day I let it slip to my grandmother that I will not be having a church wedding. My whole family is catholic and while I grew up in the faith I do not practice it. This is also my second marriage. The first one I eloped for and could always have annulled if I want since it is not recognised by the church anyway but I feel like I would just be using the church as a prop for my wedding instead of fully participating in a sacrament. My FI is also not religious though his father and step mother are practicing presbyterians and his mother and step father are religious during holidays only. So there would also be the problem of picking which church to have the ceremony in if we wanted to with the different faiths. How do we explain nicely to those who will have hurt feelings (my grandmother, his father) that we want an outdoor wedding with an officient, not a priest or pastor. I am just getting tired of my grandmothers snide comments about how my marriage wont be accepted if its not in the church its making me want to scream "IM NOT CATHOLIC, YOU ARE, BUT IM NOT" 

Edit: Additional info: My grandmother pretty much raised me and is the person i am closest to in my family and we had a falling out after my first marriage ( i eloped and she balmes my ex on me leaving my religion he is athiest not true but whatever) we are back to the terms we were on before that happened but i am afraid of another falling out.

right1thistime

You could just say that (rather than screaming it).

handfast4me

LOL Right1. 

So, Stephanie, even though you could have gotten it annulled in the Catholic Church, you still had to get a legal divorce, correct? 

If you're paying for everything, and you're an adult, then they don't have any say in what you do or how you get married. 

Many of the second (or third) time brides have perfected the icy stare of death.  You know the one--the one your mom used when you were a kid when you were misbehaving in public.   And then say the following in the sweetest voice (no yelling!) Wow!  I know you didn't mean to say that out loud.  I know you're in full support of the marriage I'm going to have to this wonderful guy.  And then drop it. 

Even if they'd been alive, I don't think that I would have discussed my wedding with my grandparents.  That might be another tactic you want to employ. 

StephanieM22

Thank you ladies I know to bite my tounge and not yell guess I just needed to vent. 

Handfast since she is the one who raised me she is more of a mother than grandmother and like most brides I wanted to include my "mom" in the planning process. Guess I need to perfect my icy stare of death if it gets brought up by her again.

Avion22

I think you can tell her exactly what you just told us -- that based on where you are with your faith right now, you don't feel like you would truly be participating in the sacrament.  FWIW, I agree that it would be a little bit hypocritical to go through an entire Catholic wedding if you aren't involved in the faith and it's not really important to you (I also come from a Catholic family but do not consider myself Catholic).  

I think a nice, calm conversation would help her understand your viewpoint.  You could also let her know that this is non-negotiable, and you will not be engaging in any more conversations about not having a religious ceremony.  

right1thistime

Actually I was serious.  You presented a rather rational argument, and a very valid point.  Sometimes if you act like a child (yelling, being petulant) the old roles of the elders kick in, and they treat you like a child.  If you act like an adult (calmly describing the rationale for your adult decision, and pointing out that the argument she makes doesn't apply to you), you get the respect an adult deserves.  Please understand, I am not accusing you of acting like a child.  I am just suggesting that in our roles with our elders, we sometimes revert to dependent/ submissive roles, which prompts them to revert to the decision maker/ dominant roles.

And if calm rational conversation doesn't work, the icy stare of death works every time.  />:)  ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

In addition to all the lovely and wise advice already dispensed, I would add that you can tell your Grandmother than she raised a mature, decent, intelligent and self-aware woman. Surely she would not want you to do something you considered hypocritical. She would not want to ask you to be a hypocrite by forcing yourself to marry in a church you do not follow, have no ties to, nor _______ (fill in the blanks with your reasons).

Good luck.

StephanieM22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_want-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:cee47cd3-17ee-44ed-8556-903f08d1a12cPost:5dbf606c-6c5d-4480-87fb-b5a519f8a562">Re: You want to get married where!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you do need to explain it to her.  Do you have children, or do you plan on having some with this man? It will become a bigger issue down the road.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>We do not have children yet though me and FI both want them just not right now. I am only 23 and he is 22 and we are both in school still. We agree that we will introduce them to Christianity and the different forms of it we grew up with but that they will chose if they want to follow it when they are old enough to make that decision. We both have great respect for the faiths our families chose to follow I was an alter server middle school and CCD teacher in High School and he was a part of the youth leadership program at his church. We just realized that these faiths were not right for us but if our children wanted to be a part of either one or even a different faith we would supprt them whole heartedly. I know our families may have a problem with our children not being baptised right away but its not like we will be depriving them of a religous upbringing it will just not be a traditional one.</div>