Whats acceptable on waiting?

vballchick87

I am 22, yes kinda young, but have been legally divorced for over a year and emotionally for moer like 2. I was married right out of high school.  Now, I have been with my boyfriend for a year, but have been friends with him since we were in high school, we are not engaged yet, but talk about it a lot and know that is what we both want.  Today is our one year and just thinking about it a bit more than usual.  If/when we get engaged what is an expected time limit?  I read some other posts saying that the older  you are the more easily it is accepted, but that is not my case.  My BF has not been married, so wondering what would be expected to wait once we do get engaged and what is the protocol for showers and such since I have already been through it?  I feel he deserves everything, but I shouldn't really because I have already done it all.  I feel rude asking for more, maybe sooner than what I should... Any opinions?

handfast4me

There are no rules for any of this, however, as one of the oldest women on this board, and having a daughter who is older than you (and yes, she's married, and I'm now expecting my first granddaughter!), I would urge you to wait a bit, and maybe slow down.  I know that the next thing you're going to say is "But I'm mature for my age"  Yes, we understand that.  The science shows that one's brain is not fully developed until the age of 25.  I know you love this guy, and you want to make it official.  And it's easy to get swept up in planning a wedding.  Because it's an INDUSTRY.  And it's fun, and exciting.  I totally understand all of that.  Even at the ripe old age of 48 (now 50) I was anxious to get my now DH to commit. 

So, here are some questions for you:  What have you done since your first marriage?  Have you been to school?  Are you supporting yourself?  Have you been to counseling to figure out why the marriage didn't work (not necessary in all cases, but just wondering).   I just don't want to see you repeat past mistakes.  We really DO care on this board, we just want to open your eyes a bit.  I hope that, after recieving this message, you choose to hear out everyone else, and not delete your message. 

pamila51510

I don't think I can add anything to what handfast said. Well done handfast and I agree that the women on this board do care and are honest with you.

AuntieJo

First off... I AM IN TOTAL AGREEMENT with the pp.  Great advice!!

I would only like to add that I think it is important to focus not on what is "acceptable" or what will make others happy--but focus on ensuring that you and this wonderful man are making decisions based on your mutual happiness with "marriage" in sight, not a wedding.  If we worry about what is acceptable... well, you'd date for 5 more years, get engaged for 3 and THEN finally... society would tell you that you paid your dues and would accept your second marriage.

So, here's how YOU do it.  You follow the advice above and figure out what YOU did wrong.  We all have our share of responsibility.  Learn from it.  Make sure that you and your bf are on the same page:  money, kids, retirement, travel...??  These are important issues--this is marriage.  Cuddles and romance are the gravy on the fries remember... life is about partnership.  And THEN... when you are sure you're ready... do it.  GO FOR IT.  And don't hold back.  Make it an event to remember.  And the way it becomes "acceptable" is to STAY MARRIED.  My MOH has been married three times... she went through it all.  But now she has been married for 7 years and has 4 beautiful children... her family and friends who used to laugh and criticize her have all seemed to have forgotten she was even married before.

Good Luck!!

Joanne

right1thistime

I want to wholeheartedly agree with all the PPs.  I like the comment that the way to make is acceptable is to stay married.  My BFF's mother was married and divorced twice, then she married a wonderful man who was a great step dad to her kids.  They were married for 30 years, and he's been gone for 10.  Rather than think of her as a two time loser, I truly think of her as a one time winner! 

I have a DD just a bit younger than you, not married, still in college (sort of).  She told me over Christmas that she is having the time of her life, and has no desire to "grow up" and face adulthood.  Although as her mom, I worry that she will not get the solid preparation for the adulthood she is avoiding, but that will come soon enough, if I were YOUR mom, I might worry that you are too much in a hurry.  The responsibilities of adulthood will be with you soon enough.  Find a way to have some FUN!  ~Donna

vballchick87

To all of you who replied, thank you very much for your input.  As I said, there is no ring as of now, just talk of what we each want in the future for our lives together and separately.  My previous relationship was basically a lie, as he was involved in things I was not aware of.  It was quite chaotic because he was a clinger and was suicidal, which is why it took me a while to leave, didn't want it to be on my shoulders if he did do something to himself.  I found out I was pregnant when I was wanting to leave, so I waited, hoping it would get better, I ended up miscarrying, which made me realize that I had to leave, no child should be raised in that situation.  I had some very short flings, but nothing worth writing about.  I am very stable on my own and can support myself.  I am not a partier, never have been.  Cannot hold my alcohol and honestly think things like that are pointless as I can make myself happy without substances.  I am not trying to do it as soon as possible, I just can see us 50 years from now still having fun with each other, and that is exciting.  I know I am a bit more mature for my age (I know that's what they all say), but I don't like the staying up late, crazy hours and people scene.  Just not that way.  I am organized and am a bit of an over achiever.  Sorry for the history, just thought it would help understand a bit more my situation.  Honestly,  we are not focused on the marriage part,  we have even said we could just change my last name without the marriage.  We just know we both want to have kinds in the next couple years and that would be our only reason for the marriage part, so that it is better for them and easier for us with finances/insurance and such.  Anyways, sorry for the babble... and thank you very much again for your insights :-)

right1thistime

 I just can see us 50 years from now still having fun with each other, and that is exciting. This is wonderful.  And should help you to realize that there is no need to rush into getting married.  Be a couple, travel, take a weird class together (fun, useful, brainiac- it doesn't matter), make a major purchase that you both have to save to buy(not on credit), babysit your neices and nephews for a weekend, face a crisis together, visit an elderly relative together...in other words- try each other on for size.  If he does put a ring on your finger, don't change your timeline, don't suddenly rush to get married.  Relax, you have plenty of time to have children. Even if you plan on a Duggar style family (they started when Michelle was 22 and she just had #19 at 43), waiting until you are in your late 20's doesn't impact your health or the children's. 
This isthe time of your life.  Don't rush past it thinking the best is yet to come. ~Donna

Lisa50

Ditto re: handfast's advice.  There is no rush.  I'm about the same age as handfast (49 on Jan 19th) and engaged to be married for the 2nd time around. 

Keep talking about all sorts of things life throws at you and go through it together, but separately.  Support yourself, be an independent woman -- dating only him -- and see how you feel in a year, then another year, and for good measure ... one more!  Heck, you'll just be 25 in 3 years, right??

My FI and I have been dating for over 3 1/2 years, engaged since Christmas and have set our wedding date to coincide with the 5th anniversary of our first date.  Magic!!

Good luck!

Ken&Cass

I don't think there should be any set time, I think it depends on you as a couple and you as in individual. If you feel you are ready to go through the whole process again, who cares what everyone else thinks?