Very serious problem

roaaoife

Alright- here's the issue. My FI's ex wife has physical custody of the kids. Up until now, she has wanted for him to have the kids during the school year and her to have them during summer and holidays so she can attend school full time.  Recently, however, she changed her mind.  She decided she only want him to see them on holidays. 

Her reason for this is that because he's in the military, he can be sent on TDY at anytime, which would leave the kids temporarily with me, and she doesn't want that.  Essentially, because he is getting married to me, he may lose his kids.  

What can I do? I don't want him to have to choose between me and his kids, but that's what is going to happen.  His children are very young- 3 and 5, and if this happens they will barely know their father.   And even if it is her doing, it is because of me and her personal dislike for me.  

And before you ask, there is no legitimate reason for her to not trust me with the children- I've been working with children for 10 years, from being a private nanny to teaching preschool.  I have solid background checks, training in childcare, and I know pediatric first aid.  She just really doesn't like me.

ivygarland

I'm sorry for this.

My response would be to go to court and get the custody order change to 50/50 physical or something. Even if she has physcial custody, most orders have visitation, so the summers should be yours anyway. 

In general, I believe that the best policy is to get it in writing.

roaaoife

He did get it in writing, but now we're being told it doesn't matter, even though it was a notarized agreement.  Unfortunately, because they live in different states, 50/50 custody just can't happen.  

mybooboos

Contact an atty and get some legal advice.  I believe there are special provisions for custody cases involving a member of the military.  My FI's XW siad the same thing a few years ago - that if their son came to visit, that it needs to be in writing that if my FI has to leave to go out of town for business, or even to the store(!), that his son is to be with him at ALL times.  Even her atty told her that no judge would enforce that type of agreement, and she backed off.

Get some legal advise asap.

2dBride

If they have an existing custody agreement, the only way to change it without your FI's consent would be via court action.  I would speak to a lawyer as soon as possible to determine what the likelihood would be of such an action being successful based on the factors that she mentions.

kimp67

Ditto pps, call his attorney asap!

rapunnzzll

Definitely get legal advice asap.  Because he has had the children, this will show his responsibility.  The courts don't always do what is right by the children, but they are only human and it's the system we have.

MikesAngie

I agree with the pp get legal counsel immediately.

melissamc2

Obviously, "get legal advice" is the best course of action, so I'm going to address something else about this post -

While it sounds as if you are perfectly capable of, and experienced in, childcare, these are her children.  Her very YOUNG children.  This may simply be a case of a woman not wanting someone she does not know left alone with/in charge of her children for prolonged periods of time and not a total slight against YOU, personally.  I would find it odd if a parent was unquestioningly willing to let their children be alone with someone they didn't know well. 

I think the three of you need to have a discussion about the particulars involved in this situation and focus on what is truly best for the children and not see it as anyone "against" anyone else.

Good luck!

mana8503

I'm kinda going through the same situation, Fi is military, young kids out of state, everything.  Only his ex lies about her or the kids being sick trying to get him back, it's a mess. 

Is he active duty?  If he is he can't get custody besides visitation, unless he has family within 100 miles.  Once you get married you can fight custody since you will be family and he can have an action plan should he get called up.

My FI is getting out of active duty and going into the guards so we can fight for custody.  If you got a parenting plan wrote up, you can only write all the times she goes against it and use it to fight for custody.  Sad part with vistiation is she has control over length and time he has the kids.  As long as she doesn't "deny visitation" she can say when and where he can have them... it's frustrating.

He can go to JAG for free advice since lawyers do get expensive, as long as his ex hasn't contacted them first. 

SeptemberFall2011

I wonder about the details of the divorce myself.  If it is something she didn't want I can see why she hates you.  In her eyes, she may feel that he "got tired of her" and wanted something better.  She may also be jealous that her children has a great relationship with you.  Like the first person said-get legal advice.  You are just a stepmom you are not trying to adopt the kids or replace her as a mother.  Telling her that won't do much good so save your breath.  I am glad to hear that you want your husband to have a relationship with his children.  There are stepparents out there that view kids from a previous marriage or relationship intruders.

shericamarie

the only way to protect yourselves is with a court order.  and any attorney that says a notarized agreement is "worthless" is not the attorney you want.  a judge will take into consideration the current arrangement and any agreements that have been made by the parties when deciding what is best for the kids.

my personal opinion is that her wishy washy behavior isn't going to hold up in court, and unless you are a drug addict or something she doesn't really have a say in who gets to be around her kids on the dad's time.  good luck!!!

Fbrandye

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_very-serious-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d1c20a5a-49e8-4dc5-be50-aafa4a75eb50Post:ddbda7ec-c966-4777-a111-3b7140abda08">Re: Very serious problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm kinda going through the same situation, Fi is military, young kids out of state, everything.  Only his ex lies about her or the kids being sick trying to get him back, it's a mess.  Is he active duty?  If he is he can't get custody besides visitation, unless he has family within 100 miles.  Once you get married you can fight custody since you will be family and he can have an action plan should he get called up. My FI is getting out of active duty and going into the guards so we can fight for custody.  If you got a parenting plan wrote up, you can only write all the times she goes against it and use it to fight for custody.  Sad part with vistiation is she has control over length and time he has the kids.  As long as she doesn't "deny visitation" she can say when and where he can have them... it's frustrating. He can go to JAG for free advice since lawyers do get expensive, as long as his ex hasn't contacted them first. 
Posted by mana8503[/QUOTE]

This post is not true at all. My FI has 51% custody of his son and he has no family within 1000 miles. I am on the care plan for his son and have been for the last 3 years. You do however need to get in touch with a lawyer ASAP, if he doesn't have 51% custody he is also losing out on the housing allowance. Truly though if he has them on his medical and dental plan, he has 51% custody because he pays for over half their care.
Go see the lawyer, ASAP.

mana8503

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_very-serious-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d1c20a5a-49e8-4dc5-be50-aafa4a75eb50Post:e2cafe62-3ec0-44eb-9807-ddbeaf575f64">Re: Very serious problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Very serious problem : This post is not true at all. My FI has 51% custody of his son and he has no family within 1000 miles. I am on the care plan for his son and have been for the last 3 years. You do however need to get in touch with a lawyer ASAP, if he doesn't have 51% custody he is also losing out on the housing allowance. Truly though if he has them on his medical and dental plan, he has 51% custody because he pays for over half their care. Go see the lawyer, ASAP.
Posted by Fbrandye[/QUOTE]

Is your FI Active duty Army?  Maybe different branches vary, I'm just saying what JAG has told my FI when he was going through his divorce along with the stories he's told me.  He is getting out of AD so he can get custody of his kids, since he can only have visitation.  JAG will help with what the miliary allows, BAH, etc then the Lawyer can write up what needs to be wrote up.  Custody isn't how much you pay, it's what's in the divorce agreement...

lauri91

Legal advice is a must.

Also, document EVERYTHING, keep any emails and text messages, try to ONLY communicate this way so you have a paper trail.

We were in court last month, and a paper trail is the only way.

As for military my XH is AD, we have 50/50 so he could get housing allowance etc.  We agreed for that purpose.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Fbrandye

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_very-serious-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d1c20a5a-49e8-4dc5-be50-aafa4a75eb50Post:de0cef41-a28a-4777-9325-8b783419766c">Re: Very serious problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Very serious problem : Is your FI Active duty Army?  Maybe different branches vary, I'm just saying what JAG has told my FI when he was going through his divorce along with the stories he's told me.  He is getting out of AD so he can get custody of his kids, since he can only have visitation.  JAG will help with what the miliary allows, BAH, etc then the Lawyer can write up what needs to be wrote up.  Custody isn't how much you pay, it's what's in the divorce agreement...
Posted by mana8503[/QUOTE]

I would seriously talk to someone else. We have friends that have custody of their kids one is AD Army and has full physical and legal custody of his 3 children.
My Fiances dad had soul custody of him and his brother and he was a special forces marine.
You FI really needs to talk to someone else it sounds like he is getting screwed. There is no reason he can't have his kids and be active duty. As for the care plan you can be joe shmo off the street and be on the care plan. It is the Active Duty members responsibility to choose people. I am a home daycare provider here and I am on the care plan as a primary for many children here. If they every had to send out a bunch of these guys I would have custody of alot of children here until their parents came back.
I would really seek another persons opinion and do some investigating yourself. Not trying to be mean but you guys sound like you are getting screwed.

As for the original poster, go see a lawyer she can not do that and as someone has been where you are don't let her seperate you guys, he will choose both of you guys. You just have to stick through it and be supportive.