Hi

gnyzgrl

Hello Ladies,

First let me say thank you.  I've been spending most of my time on the local board.... little did I realize that this is where I'd find the good stuff!!!  It's so refreshing to see that I'm not alone.  This is my 3rd (though I really count my 1st as a learning experience.... I was 19 and it lasted 9 months) and his 2nd.  My wonderful FI is about to retire after serving his country as a Marine for 20 years.  I'm so proud and blessed.  Between us we have six children (please no Brady jokes lol!!!)  My girls are 17 & 16 and my son is 14.  My FI has 3 girls, 22, 19 & 18.  He about to become a grandfather (what exactly does that make me) by his 19 year old (another story for another time).  Unfortunately his 2 youngest have no idea how lucky they are to have such a wonderful father.  They only call when they need something and it breaks my heart.  I have tried, not pushed, tried to get to know them but I've given up.  We're both sure that their mother (who BTW is married 9 years to the man she cheated on my FI with) has had some lovely things to say about us.  Her text messages to him are unbelievable.  Ladies, I left my 2nd marriage with the clothes on my back and what I could fit in a duffle bag.  My ex and I have shared joint custody.  I receive no child support and have done my best for the last 5 years.  Again, I have been blessed that my FI has come into my life and opened his heart to me and my family. 

Do I even try anymore to reach out to his girls?  They hardly contact their dad.  I try my best... make a call (of course never answered) send a text (get an occasional answer).  I do this because of my FI.  We've discussed this and he himself is ready to throw in the towel.  Sad huh.

Sorry it's so long but it really feels good to get this off my chest and share with people who understand.

MikesAngie

Hi, congratulations to having found the love of your life. 

Kids are tough and his youngest ones though legally are adults, they still qualify as kids.  I'm sure they are influenced by their mom to some degree.   I would not work overly hard to have a relationship with them, but be available should they want to talk or share things with you.  Be polite and warm and be there as any parent would.  Remember them on their birthdays and holidays but let them come to you and let them decide the tone of the relationship they have with you. They may have loyalties to their mom that we would never be able to understand, but they are at an age where it's up to them whether or not they would like a relationship with you and their Dad. So don't push - leave it to them.

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome Dawn! (I peeked at your bio to get your name, and I am getting married the day before you!) 

You and I have a LOT in common. My fiance retired after 22 yrs in the Air Force. He's been retired about 8 years, and has another job now. He has 3 kids (the 17 yr old just had a baby......see? I told you we have a lot in common), and I have 2. He already has 2 grandkids by his oldest, and when they were just here recently, it was ok for them to call me "Grandma" because my ex's wife has passed away (so I'm not taking that title from anyone else)

My guess, without knowing more, is that your fiance, although in the Marines and a tough guy, is probably pretty soft on his kids. My fiance is the biggest pushover, and I am not. Never have been. I kill my kids with love and kindness, but not material possessions. They know the meaning of "No", which still doesn't stop my soon-to-be 16 yr old daughter from nagging the CRAP out of me, but we work everything out. His oldest is a stay at home Mom married to a Marine stationed in Hawaii.......his middle child, his only son, is an alcoholic who is in his 9th month of a 17 month stay at a home for recovering alcoholics, and his 17 y/o who just had the baby a month ago luckily graduated on time in June (we had a joint baby shower/grad party!). So, none of them work.

As far as how to proceed with his kids, make sure they see you love their dad, and treat him well (which I'm sure you do). When they see he is happy and adjusted to his life with you, they will either come around or not. They are teenaged girls, and honestly, did we ever believe how hard our parent's lives were when they told us about walking to school in 10 inches of snow....... uphill.........both ways? No, we did not. I know for a fact my fiance's kids believe that if he starts to use "tough love" with them, it is via a directive from me, and my advice. I don't care. My job as their step-mom is to make sure they are as prepared as possible for the lives they have ahead of them, same as my own kids. We are cordial, friendly, and I give advice to them when asked. But we've been going out for 3 years so perhaps they've known me a bit longer?

There are PAGES of posts regarding step-parenting here, so I'm sure you can catch some advice, and others will follow me with some. The ladies here are spectacular, and I'd also recommend you visit the August 2011 monthly board, which I also frequent. While much younger, it's fun to see how far along everything else is, and I've actually gotten some good advice there as well.

Again, congrats & welcome!

gnyzgrl

Thanks Sue & Angie, I knew I'd get instant positive feedback.  Sue, we do have a lot in common (Hi oldest is in Hawaii and about to divorce a Marine!).  FI jumped through hoops and more hoops to get some of his GI bill turned over to her and then she gets pregnant (I truly believe this was no accident) and has the nerve to tell him that she still needs the $$$.  I was floored.  He tries so hard and gets nothing in return.

I agree with the advise, I've tried and I'll be there for them.  I know my kids truly love him.  They call him on the weeks that they're with their Dad just to say hi.  My oldest just left for college and when she said her goodbyes she broke down in my FI's arms (it made me so sad and so happy at the same time). 

I will def check out the other boards.  I've been lurking on her for sometime but I seem to have such a hard time find bios and stuff.  I'm still trying to figure out the ticker!