Dealing with parents...ugh :(

molly&dale

This is the 2nd marriage for both FI and myself. Neither of us has kids and we are 30 and 32. Our friends, his parents, and most of our family is extremely supportive. The problem is my parents! My dad questioned if I should wear a white dress, and now my mom is not wanting us to register or have an engagement party or showers (when we have friends and other family members wanting to throw these for us and we don't live together so there are things we'll need when we combine households). I just feel like they are taking all the joy and fun out of this. I also want them to understand that etiquette for this sort of thing has changed. Anybody have a good book or article about this I can send to them?

right1thistime

Go to the bookstore and pull any classic book on wedding planning, look at the index and read the section on encore weddings.  I am sure you will find what you are looking for.  But...don't count on a paragraph or a page in the book to change their minds. 

So you are adult enough to be getting married for a second time.  Thank your parents for their opinion and tell them that you and your Fi will decide what to do...and then do it.  Stop talking to them about your plans, just invite them and let them be honored guests.  You ARE paying for this, are you not?  ~Donna

molly&dale

Thanks for your opinions. I guess it's just that I'm incredibly close with my parents. My mom and I work at the same place. We all go to church together. I see them 34 times a week. So there's no way they would just be guests at my wedding. Even though it's the second time, it's stil a big, family wedding in the church. And none of this is about money; it's more about what I feel is right vs. what my mom thinks is appropriate.

right1thistime

Oh...I get that.  My mother made the typical statement, "You aren't wearing white are you?"  Said like, "You aren't wearing saran wrap, are you?" 

I answered her with why, yes, I think I am.  A white wedding gown.  She put on her shocked face, I laughed and that was the end of the discussion.  But I was 40 something, the parent to 2 teenagers, and this was MY (OUR) rodeo.  My mother was not the planner, the payer or the hostess.  She was an honored guest.  Her sisters have too many tsks on their tongues, and didn't get invited.  I told my mother that if she started on us, she'd end up like them.  In a loving, kind way, but I meant it.  I also told her she didn't have to like or approve our choices. 

What i am trying to convey is that this isn't about your mother, unless you make it that way. It's your choice.  ~Donna

kidlets2

I agree with PP. I think of it as a generation thing. FI's mom said something about a bride getting married again to the effect of "And I'm sure she'll wear white!" in a very snotty voice. I haven't told her that I too will be wearing white. My mom on the other hand, who is 20+ years younger than FMIL and knows that I didn't have the big to-do (or any to-do) would question why I wasn't wearing white.

First, second, third, fourth wedding....you will NEVER please everyone. Just to do what you would like to do.

Sue-n-Kevin

I"m sorry you are having to deal with this.

I married for the first time last August. I was a (shock & horror!) single mother to 2 grown and wonderful children. I was lucky, my dad did walk me down the aisle, and yes, I wore an ivory REAL WEDDING DRESS.

I did not face the pain you are dealing with. I was my husband's THIRD wife. His family was great about it as well as my own. We had a nice, elegant event for 80 of our family and friends. We planned it as though it was the best party we were ever throwing (I love to plan parties).

I sincerely doubt you will change your parent's minds. I agree, stop talking to them about the wedding. Come up with a pat answer that feels right to you about planning the wedding reception you and your fiance want. Then let it go.

Good luck. Looking forward to hearing about your wedding.

neverinamillionyears

I say grab your best girlfriend and go buy your gown and when asked answer with, " Oh I'm not saying anything about it, it's a surprise to my groom and everyone else.

Yes this is my second wedding and I'm doing everything I didn't do the first time. My wedding gown this time is way more elaborate, and not from the clearance rack, my shoes will be cowboy boots, and I'm getting wisked away from the church in a horse and buggy. My mother is probably rolling over in her grave that I even got a divorce and am now gettng remarried to "that" guy. My FI is not even involving his mother and sister, because our mother's were the ones that thought we were way too serious at 17 & 18. I want him to invite his mom and sister, just so I can see the expression on their face. They never appoved of me the first time and especially didn't like FI's late wife

. Oh well. I say everyone doesn't have to be happy. The only one that needs to be happy with your choices are you and your FI. I say have the wedding of your dreams... go for it!

~K

Lisa50

There is absolutely nothing wrong with respecting your parents' opinions.  Making choices different than theirs does not reflect a lack of respect.  I advise making choices in accordance what you and your fiance want for your wedding.

My parents did not utter a word re: planning my second wedding, except for words of support and encouragement.  My mother only had one opinion to offer when I planned my first wedding -- that I wear a floor length dress b/c my FI had decided to wear a tux.

I agree with others.  Plan the wedding you want; don't discuss it with your parents.  I don't think you will need the icy cold stare.  Stay strong in your resolve; remain confident in your choices.  Have the wedding of your dreams.  Enjoy!

mdeidre

I'm trying to do better than I did last time as far as my dress.  Mine will be ivory, just because I don't like wearing white, and like neverinamillion, my first dress was off of the clearance rack and was probably supposed to be a bridesmaid's gown.  Not this time, I'm wearing a real wedding gown with sparkles, in ivory with red shoes!  My little sister is trying to make it seem like we should just slink down to the JP like we're paying a parking ticket or something, but I want a to-do!  Maybe not a big to-do, but a to-do, all the same!

As for your parents, I agree, it's a generatonal thing, stop trying to knock yourself out and just do what you want to do.

handfast4me

My sister said the same thing that Donna's mom said:  "you're not wearing white, are you?"  Uh, no.  I'm wearing Ivory.  And then I said, in a saccharin sweet voice:  Wow, I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, and that you didn't mean to say that out loud, did you? 

IMO, there isn't that much of a difference between white and ivory, but folks my age (I'm 52) and older believe that a repeat bride should wear a blue suit at city hall, serve cake afterwards to only the closest friends, and be done with it.  That is not what many of us experienced brides want for our encore performance. 

missv19732000

This is the kind of thing I wanted to read about because I am in the same situation.  This will be the 2nd marriage for both my FI and I.  My mom is being super-opinionated about not having "such a big wedding because you've already been married".  What the hell does THAT mean?  I want beautiful memories for our children (we each have 2  - so there's 4 altogether!)  Besides, I never asked my parents to pay for the first wedding and I am certainly not expecting them to chip in for this one.  I made it clear that this is our wedding and we'd handle it and do things the way we'd like.  But I guess my feelings were hurt.  I just want my parents to be happy for me.  They've always been supportive of everything I've done.  And they love my FI, so what's the problem?  :-(