• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Second Weddings

It's JUST a second wedding...

Wow.  I heard myself say this today when I was talking to a vendor on the phone.  I was talking to a restaurant about using a private room--they don't advertise it for weddings, just more like parties, rehearsal dinners, etc...   So I was talking to her like I had to "convince" her that it was no big deal.

I heard myself say this and I just got this twinge I get sometimes while I'm planning this.  My small-ish event isn't any less important or significant than anyone else's, first time, fifth time, doesn't matter.  I don't want a "circus wedding".  I just want a special day for the beginning of my new family.  But a lot of the planning for it is making me feel bad.

Then I got mad at the people (I feel like) are giving me that attitude about it.  And nobody said or did anything, except me!

This whole event is a tricky thing...

Re: It's JUST a second wedding...

  • It really is.

    I've been second guessing myself on a lot of things when I normally wouldn't. I know that my family and friends are thrilled for me, but there's always one relative with nothing good to say... Why is it that I let what they say get to me, and discount all the well wishes and offers of help?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • It may be a second wedding but it is the first time you are marrying your FI. So why should it be any less important?  It shouldn't.  If a vendor was at all disrespectful while we were planning our wedding - we didn't do business with them. 

    All of the people we worked with were great and definitely treated our wedding with the respect that any wedding deserves. 

    No couple should expect or accept less - period.

  • Welcome to my world.  When planning, I felt like mine was so small, that I wasn't allowed to feel stressed, when I really was stressed.  A lot of it, I realize now, was because I had so few details that every single one felt so important!   It's hard not to let other's influence the way we feel.  When I start to get that sense that I'm letting others influence my actions/decisions, I try to put up an imaginary plexiglass plate in front of me--other folk's stress, bad attitudes, etc. can't penetrate it. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • I get the same response from family and friends. I eloped (well, did not have much choice. I was given 3 months upon my entry in the USA to  get married) so I never had a ceremony, or a dress, or even a dinner afterwards. My fiance on the other hand had a big wedding. Since we announced our engagement, people expect me to be happy with a little ceremony at the courthouse. Why? I may have been married before, but not this this man! Why dampen the mood and expect people not to celebrate an occassion that is one of the most meaningful in your life? Big does not mean better, but why is the expectation that a second (or third) wedding has to be a small and simple affair? Aren't we sending a message that marriage (unless it is the first one) is not as important? 
  • In Response to Re: It's JUST a second wedding...:
    Aren't we sending a message that marriage (unless it is the first one) is not as important? 
    Posted by ilianashible
    I deeply and truly consider that THIS marriage (my second & his second) is the one that really counts.  Other than my kids, I would just as soon forget the first marriage ever happened. Which isn't to say that all those years didn't contribute to make me who I am today. ~Donna
  • In Response to Re: It's JUST a second wedding...:
    In Response to Re: It's JUST a second wedding... : I deeply and truly consider that THIS marriage (my second & his second) is the one that really counts .  Other than my kids, I would just as soon forget the first marriage ever happened. Which isn't to say that all those years didn't contribute to make me who I am today. ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime
    Ditto. I tell my fiance that this relationship means more that my first marriage. This time things are more carefully thought out, are much more meaningful, and less impulsive. Yet society see it as a less than important affair. My own mother told me "If you think he's going to marry you just because you are pregnant you are crazy"; quickly followed by a "You are not going to have a ridiculous big dress and a big wedding are you? You are not 16!" 
    It took me months to get over my mother's bitter comments. 
  • In Response to Re: It's JUST a second wedding...:
    In Response to Re: It's JUST a second wedding... : Ditto. I tell my fiance that this relationship means more that my first marriage. This time things are more carefully thought out, are much more meaningful, and less impulsive. Yet society see it as a less than important affair. My own mother told me "If you think he's going to marry you just because you are pregnant you are crazy"; quickly followed by a "You are not going to have a ridiculous big dress and a big wedding are you? You are not 16!"  It took me months to get over my mother's bitter comments. 
    Posted by ilianashible
    Agree. My parents are still unhappily married (they do really despise each other, but neither will give in and leave). When I told my mother we were getting married, she told me that I 'might as well be as stupid and unhappy as everyone else' - I was floored. And just last week she told me that she thought my dad wouldn't be at the wedding (he works away, but has said nothing to me about not being there), and that she'd 'never find the place'. she even went so far as to say that if she did come, she might be able to track down her old boyfriend who lived nearby.

    It's tough, but I keep focusing on my FI and the life we're building together. The wedding is one day, and while I want it to be special, it's the everyday stuff that counts most of all. If my crazy parents don't want to come, fine. At the end of the day we will still be married.

    But it took me a really long time to get to this point.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I had the same vibe from my mom.  She never actually came out and said it but it was implied.  Ours was a small event.  Civil ceremony at courthouse, a small cocktail reception with about 50.  No white dress, no bouquets, no other traditions.  With the food and hosted bar it came to much less than we had budgeted for.  It was casual, fun and brought our two families together.  As the wedding weekend progressed, she started to change her tune about everything.  She really got into all the "week before" excitement, had fun meeting T's relatives, hosting the out of towners etc.  OP, maybe as it gets closer you'll get less and less of that JUST a second wedding vibe from people.
  • There could be a whole different thread about second weddings and moms, I'm pretty sure!
  • I consider myself very lucky H and I received such great for our wedding and marriage.  It is my second and his third.  Perhaps because so much time elapsed between my divorce and second marriage, there was less of a temptation by others to even compare the two relationships.  Or perhaps no one thought I'd ever take the plunge again.  Whatever the case, all of my friends and family voiced their support.  My mother, all my aunts and uncles and invited cousins attended.  My father was too ill to attend.  Everyone had a blast!

    Such was not the case with H's family -- one of his three sisters voiced her concern he was going to try marriage again.  She thought 3 times was one too many.  That's fair and, I think, it's better to voice a concern ahead of time rather than not.  I will say this, though, she and her family came to the wedding and danced the night away with us.  

    Another of his other sisters, too deeply involved in a 10-year spat with another sister, skipped the wedding altogether then gave some flimsly excuse about her work schedule (uh, sorry, we scheduled the date a year in advance so she could ask for the time off, which she did, then volunteered to work once she found out the other sister planned to attend), ugh!

    Sorry to all who did not have a good extperience.
  • I was terrified to tell my parents when I left my first husband. Their long marriage, both sets of their parents long marriages, the conservatism .. And then to find out that they were so afraid for me during that marriage, so relieved when I sought my freedom. I was afraid to tell them I decided to marry again, as worried as I was five years prior announcing my divorce! I kept finding myself in that "just" and "only" mentality. What I found in their loving support and contributions to our ceremony was full of love and validation and acceptance - and I still kept cutting short MY privilege to be happy. You are the only one that can identify what you need to either accept or let go from previous relationships in order to truly find joy and self acceptance in this one. Congratulations!
    ~~Mendi~~ ...Everyone has their price; mine's chocolate Photobucket
  • Isn't it always great to find other people with similiar problems?  I posted a new thread, but I'm having issues with my mom because of her attitude that it's "just" a second wedding, that it should be tiny and quiet and god forbid anyone buy us anything.  She's on her third marriage - the second wedding had about ten people in the living room, the third was five of us at the courthouse, and I think she wants me to do that.  And I'm not.

    1) It's my fiance's first wedding.
    2) Who cares what number it is for anyone?  Our friends and at least some of our families want to celebrate with us, and that's what this is for, not about how many presents we get, or putting on a show, or doing what's traditional.

    My mom is sending me an unsolicited check, and I may just rip it up.

    (And, of course, just because I'm doing a middling size wedding also does not discount a smaller wedding, or a larger one.  We're doing a What-We-Want size wedding.)
  • New to the fold - and greatful for all of you.  You've shared some pretty intimate things on here that would cost a whole lot of co-pays in the therapeutic world!!  I feel really proud of everyone! 

    My first marriage was at 21 years old, HS sweethearts. He served in the first Gulf War and a few months after his return we married as I planned everything during the time he was away, hoping he would make it home.  Those thoughts change you while apart.  We divorced after 13 years together.  The wedding was large by my family's standards - 100 guests, big dress, bridesmaids, caterers, limo, etc. 

    Gonna reflect on all this for a little bit and probably post my own stuff.  Thanks to everyone again. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards