I’m not really sure where to post this, but this seems to be the only place I can talk about these things. I’m planning my second wedding to a man that I’m desperately in love with, and I keep trying to remind myself about what is and is not important. Unfortunately, I think the theme for my wedding is guilt. When I think about marrying my Fiance and how much fun our reception is going to be, I’m incredibly excited. Then I start to think about the money involved. Every time I put down a deposit or make a wedding purchase, I’m amazed at how expensive it is. I’ve had to readjust the budget twice. We’ve been able to save up for this, and I’m refusing to go into debt for a wedding, but I still feel so, I guess indulgent is the right word?
My guilt is coming from so many places. First, I grew up in a working poor family. My parents are still working class poor, and cannot contribute financially at all. I bought my mother’s dress for her, and I intend to buy everything else that she needs for the wedding (hotel, hair, make-up, my stepdad’s suit, etc.) My FIL’s aren’t exactly loaded either, so we’re paying for their plane tickets and hotel as well. That being said, my mom and his mom want to help out and be useful. I just want them to come and have a good time. When I took my mother dress shopping she wouldn’t let me buy any of the dresses she liked because they were all too expensive. We compromised as I found one of the dresses she loved on sale at a different store, and she finally let me get it for her. I think she’s dealing with her own feelings of guilt because I’ve had to give her money recently for some unforeseen problems they’ve had. But I want her to feel beautiful and comfortable that day so that she can relax and have a good time.
My maids are also having financial problems. Three of them are working full time and going to graduate school. They are all incredibly busy, and I feel bad when I ask them for help. All the bridesmaid hoopla stuff like the dresses, shoes, travel, make-up, hair, jewelry, etc is a real burden on them right now. I talked to each of the separately, and they each said pretty much the same thing which was along the lines of “I know it’s expensive but I want to do this for you.” I’ve offered to subsidize a few things, but this really hurt one of my friend’s pride. The hair and make-up lady I booked, who I thought was fairly reasonable although a little high, they each said was too pricey. It’s like that with everything I’ve picked.
I guess the kicker is that I’m finally at a place in my life where I can afford a few nice things, and I want the nice things for my wedding. I want the fancy shoes and the professional make-up and all that jazz. But I feel like I’m hurting people’s feelings along the way. I can’t even talk to anyone except my FI about the cost because I’m sure it seems so ridiculous to everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been so great through this whole thing, but the money just isn’t a big deal to him. I’m embarrassed by the amount I’m spending. I felt almost panicky about my dress when I bought it, and it’s not as though it’s one of those crazy, “Say Yes to the Dress” dresses. And it’s not as though I’m picking the most expensive vendors or any of that.
Still, all of this adds up, and I keep thinking about what I could do with that money. But dammit I want the fun wedding! But I just feel so ridden with guilt for spending so much money on myself. And I don’t want to make my friends or family feel bad, but I don’t want to burden them, either. Am I just crazy?