Forming a Relationship with Future Step-Children (Long, turned into a rant maybe?)

mdeidre

I am at a loss.  My FI has 4 children, ages 16 (G), 13 (B), 11(G) and 8 (B).  The 16 year old is kind of out there right now, and I've only met her a couple times.  She stays with her mom full time and doesn't really want to come to FI's house very often because there's discipline there and he won't let her run wild.  The 13 year old is in mom's full custody but is at our house pretty much every day after school and all the time over the weekends and school breaks.  The older two are not FI's biological children, but he's the only man who's really been a father to them since their dad is in prison until they're both grown.  The younger two are FI's natural children and he has physical custody of them, though they do go to mom's house often.  Got all that?  It took me a while.

The kids mom, who has refused to meet or even speak to me even though I'm with her kids more than she is, is nuts.  She's angry because she cheated and the man she saw as her meal ticket left her (FI).  I'm positive that she's speaking against me to the kids every chance she gets, but there's no way to know that for sure.

I get along with the kids, but after a year of living in the same house, I really don't feel like we've formed the kind of connection I had hoped for.  I will admit, I don't have the chance to do very much fun stuff with them, either due to lack of money or maybe I just have a lack of imagination with younger kids.  I worked with teens for years, I'm really great at dealing with them, but younger children mystify and scare the heck out of me. 

I think the kids know that I like them and they like me, but I think they still think of me more as just there for their dad and not for them too.  I don't want to force myself on them so I haven't been as open and affectionate with them because I wanted them to feel comfortable first.  For instance, I'm a hugger, yet I have only held each once or twice when they were sick or needed comforting for some reason.  I laugh and joke with them, and the 11 year old is now comfortable sharing girly secrets with me knowing I will only tell her dad if it's the kind of secret I can't keep and that I would tell her first.  They all seek me out to tell me about their day and what's going on, but the love isn't there, even though the desire for my attention is.

What am I doing wrong and how can I fix this without coming across as buying them off?

mdeidre

I forgot to add that I don't have children of my own, so even though I've worked with other people's children, full time parenting is brand new to me.  I'm used to having all excursions and activities planned and financed by someone else.

right1thistime

One year in the life of a child is just not that long.  Divorce & breakups really rattle their ability to trust the adults around them.  So they are probably just beginning to start to think you might stick around.  If their mother is sabotaging that trust, it will be harder.  Kids believe most what they see & experience, so be sure that what you are telling them is that you are in this for the long haul, and that you won't be leaving them.  When you are there for them, they will  learn to trust you to be there. 

As the step parent, your job is to support their father.  It's great that you are there for them, to hear about their day and their issues.  If their dad isn't staying involved in their lives as well, and turfing that to you, that could create issues.  He should be the one deciding what activities you all will do  together, and what fun things you will spend time involved in.  However, kids mostly want adults' time.  So if you are doing something, like cooking or baking, inviting them to participate will go a long way.  There is no reason kids this age can't help with chores, and time together as a family doing what needs to be done to keep the team healthy clean & happy is time well spent.  If they are involved in activities, you can always volunteer to help - you'll meet other parents and develop some resources as to what things they are doing. Hiking, biking and taking walks don't require money.  Don't sweat the money thing, kids want time more.
www.steptogether.org  was a good website as well.

As far as physical affection, you are on the right track.  Let them be your guide.  If you are inclined to hug, you can offer a hug and let it be as big or as little as the child makes it.  So if you would normally give a hug after a bad day, offer the hug, and if you get a stiff kid who's reluctant, make it a distant hug with lots of back pats.  If the kid melts into you, make it a bear hug, but not an unescapable hug.  Invite them to sit on the couch with you to watch TV.  If they snuggle, go for it.  If not, you are still close.  

Finally, your kids are old enough that you can ASK them what kinds of things they'd like to do together.  One thing that a family of 4 kids might really value is a "date" alone with you and the same thing with Dad.  The oldest might want to go window shopping and trying on clothes and out to lunch at the mall.  The youngest might want to go play ball or explore the woods or to the arcade.  If each kid got one day every other month with one of you, that's only one/ week (if the 16 yr old is included, and I would suggest you do that).  Would money be doable for that? 

Easter is coming.  You can dye eggs together.  Flying kites is cheap and silly fun.  ~Donna

mdeidre

Their dad does a lot with them and we do things as a family, but he's thinking that I should do things with them without him, just so that we can focus on each other instead of having him as a distraction (not the right word but I can't think of a better one.)

I've tried asking them what they want to do, but being different ages, they always want to do different things, or they just want to stay in and play video games/watch TV.  I did try to learn to play a video game and asked them to help me make up my character and teach me to play, that was hilarious.  I'm also not an outdoors person, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to get over that, huh?  Thanks for your words, they really did help me feel better!

Sue-n-Kevin

Donna is very wise.

I already had kids, so the step child thing in and of itself was new, but not the "parenting part" if you get my drift. However, due to our age, our kids are adults already, except for my 17 y/o daughter. So, I'll approach this from her perspective, as she visits her dad, who has 2 younger kids.

As a 17 y/o, she's not interested much in the same stuff that the younger kids are at her Dad's house. They are 13 and 8 y/o. She struggles to find things to do with them, and she's not even an adult.

Donna's suggestions are great as far as family activities. My son is 7 years older than my daughter, and that was a big difference, even though I was mother to both. Finding common interests for a 16 y/o, 13 y/o, 11 y/o and 8 y/o are going to be hard unless it's something relating to the outdoors, a movie (and the 2 oldest ones may want to go off and see something different, shown at the same time). Although my kids had different interests, and 7 years between them (kind of like the oldest and youngest in your scenario), they both loved road trips with me. We'd decide on a summer destination and make plans.

As for day to day, you probably want to understand that the oldest is pulling away from parents, but still needs advice and someone to listen.

I understand what your fiance is doing, he wants you to build your own relationship with them, which is fine. But it's hard to do with their varied ages, and the fact there are 4 of them. If possible, depending on the entire family's schedule, I agree with Donna it might be nice for you to spend one day of each weekend, or a week night with just one of them initially, sort of a "test drive of step-mom" time.

The woman my ex married is not a nice person. My daughter hates her. This resulted in a very strained relationship between her and my hubby over much of the 4 years we dated because she was afraid of a repeat situation. However, since we've been married, when he's going somewhere, he'll ask if she wants to go. It gives them bonding time. While it's hard to take four kids along every time, you may want to think about that when you are going somewhere alone and think it might interest one or two of the kids. I have found in my many years of parenting (my oldest is 25) that the very BEST time to have meaningful discussions with kids is when you are in the car. Each of you has the undivided attention of the other one, and they can't get up and walk away if they don't like the subject.

As far as the hugging goes, I'd say something like "I really want to hug you now, is that ok?". Save it for big moments to start, when they have a good report card, or share something really important. That takes time, trust me, and is no reflection on you whatsoever.

The internet is a wonderful thing. Do some google searches for "successful step-parenting", things like that, in addition to the site Donna provided.

The fact that you came here and asked questions means this is important to you. That's a fabulous first step, and I think shows you will find a way to make it work.
Good luck.

mdeidre

You have all been very helpful and I wanted to tell you all how much I appreciate it!  I've taken charge and decided to organize a day trip to the Underground Railroad Museum in Cincinnatti.  It will be all of us, but I can take turns with each of the kids, exploring different parts of the museum and the place is pretty awesome! 
I've also planned to get the recipe for funnel cakes because a couple of the kids have never had them, so we can make those together one Sunday morning and have a real treat for breakfast.  They'll know it was my idea because FI would never go for it, lol!

So that's a couple of things planned that I think will appeal to all of them, we might also go to an indoor amusement park on Easter Sunday.  I don't really have very many more weekends off until the end of wedding season, so this weekend and Easter Sunday will have to count for a lot!