Bride-to-be apprehensive about a big -- but second -- wedding

MizLizz

I am working with a friend who has just started planning a wedding. For her, it is her second marriage and her fiance's first. 

Here's her story and her situation. Her first husband was a Mormon.  When my friend and her first husband got engaged, she converted to the LDS Church and was married in a Mormon temple. That wedding was very low key: no liquor, an open house instead of a formal reception, and most importantly, her family's participation in the wedding was nil (Since her family was not Mormon, her family couldn't participate or witness the Temple ceremony).

She and her first husband were married only a few years when he was killed in a freak accident. She will also admit that at the time of his death, they were on the verge on separation and possibly divorce.

My friend moved back East to her hometown and rejoined the religious denomination of her childhood. She met the man who is her fiance and they are now planning a wedding.

Her parents, her fiance and a lot of her family and friends think she deserves a lavish wedding. Her parents and fiance can certainly afford such an event. She admits that she would like to wear a sophisticated wedding gown (the gown for her first wedding was modest and rather prim); that she would like to have reception with champaign and an expresso bar; and that she would like to have all her family and friends present (she plans to sent invitiations to friends and her first husband's family in Utah and Idaho). She knows that her husband -to- be would enjoy and like to have a formal wedding (he has never been married).

So what is holding her back from making these plans? She said that it was an accepted practice when she was growing up that second weddings should be less lavish than the first wedding. She is worried what people will think abour her (although most of her friends are hoping for a big wedding).

I told her that I will help plan any type of wedding she wants -- lavish, low-key, in-between even an elopement. She is still trying to figure out what she wants.

Any input that any of you can provide would be appreciated

right1thistime

Bring her here. 
Print out the it's normal post & give it to her.  (If she needs more convincing, print some of the responses.
Stage an "intervention" style night out with the friends who are hoping for a big wedding. 

Give her time.  ~Donna

MikesAngie

She can have the wedding of her dreams regardless of it being her second. 

Like Donna said bring her here... we'll show her that it's okay to have exactly what she wants!

Sue-n-Kevin

Donna's advice is good, and you should also send her here.

My husband had been married twice before our wedding last August, it was my first. He had no qualms whatsoever about having a nice elegant wedding event with his family and mine. His aunt from out of state, who is in her 80's flew in for it. There was tremendous support among both families to share in our joy.

Even though I was 56 and had 2 kids, I wore a nice white dress. Many ladies on this board also did.

It sounds like your friend needs some encouragement that things have definitely changed in today's world. Second weddings don't have to be low key unless you want them that way.
Good luck.

Lisa50

Give your friend time and space to figure out what she wants. I have mixed feelings about suggesting your friend come to The Knot.  This board is great but many other boards are not as open to choices which deviate from the norm. 

I highly recommend stylemepretty.com for ideas.  Their "Real Weddings" are amazing and stock full of inspiration.  Real Simple Weddings magazine is a very good resource as well.  Best of luck to your friend as she begins to plan her special day!

lovefuzzies

Show her some of the posts from this board that highlight the fact that women who have been married before are having their lavish weddings.  I myself have been married twice before, one family only wedding with no reception and one small family and friends wedding with reception.  This time FI and I are doing it our way with a huge gathering of friends and family, mostly white dress and most of the works (most meaning what our budget will allow).  I say if that's what she wants she should have it.  She honored her previous husband's customs and beliefs, now she should honor hers and her FIs customs and beliefs.

crumbcake82

I'm not sure about all of the other ladies here, but I know that I couldn't get much smaller than my first wedding!  I did everything on a graduate student's budget, and all in all probably spent less that $400.  Both myself and my fiance are in a much better financial situation, and I can actually afford some of the bells and whistles that I regreted not being able to have the first go round.  It's a celebration that reflects your love and your union, so why should the past dictate your present?