Second Weddings

Second wedding, just not a girly-girl, or family issues?

So, my BF has been acting strangely, in the "OMG I'm trying to keep the secret from you that I'm going to propose!"  My best friend, who he has never met except by phone, is in on the deal. 

We have talked about marriage a lot--we've been together almost 2 years, and I am happy and excited to be married to him in the future.  But he seems disappointed that I am not really too excited about the whole wedding thing.

I know I want a killer dress, but other than that--meh.  My first wedding was a small family only deal since my IL's were freaks-no wonder that never worked out.  :-P

Anyway, I'm just not excited about the cost and hassle of planning and having a big, elaborate shindig.  I want some family and friends to be there, and I want to share the day with them.  His family is wonderful and I know they will welcome me with open arms.  We are in our 30's and both of us have been married before.  We know this is right for us.

My BF just seems disapppointed that I am not more excited about a big to-do.  I keep thinking about the cost and expense, but also about things like my slightly crazy family--crowd control, if you know what I mean..

My BF and I live in another country from them, and they have never met him.  He knows all about them and our strained relationships.

I almost feel as if they are a cloud hanging over this.  I'm wondering about their reactions to another wedding, how they'll act, if they'll embarass me.  I want to have a happy day.  I COULD have a happy day with them there if they all decide to behave themselves.  But the stress of wondering what they will be like could ruin that happy day.

Have any of you had to figure out how to wrangle difficult family members?  How did you handle it?


Re: Second wedding, just not a girly-girl, or family issues?

  • edited December 2011
    Don't let crazy, or disruptive or downer families have control of your happiness.  You really do have the choice as to how this plays out, and they can only ruin that if YOU give them that power. 

    You and your Fi to be (not such a great surprise/ secret keeper- huh?) need to figure out what type/ style and expense you want for your wedding together.  This is about compromise and collaboration.  Then hold that wedding, and allow your guests to be guests, not the drivers of the process.  You host, they attend. 

    If you don't want too much input/ involvement from your family, have it in the country they don't live in.  When they complain, answer with, "so sorry you can't come, we will miss you"  If it's on the phone, you can even grin evilly as you say it! 

    A wedding isn't froufy by design, only if you make it that way.  There are gazillions of weddings to look at, I would bet something will inspire you.  ~Donna
  • awayagainawayagain member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Donna - great advice.  OP as she said talk with your BF/FI to be and plan together the wedding YOU BOTH want.  This wedding isn't about the famlies, or your friends; it's about the two of you and your desire to live as a married couple.

    So plan a wedding within the budget you are comfortable spending and invite only those guests who will be supportive.  You can always use the second wedding excuse too as to why you didn't invite this person or that one.  "It's a second wedding and we didn't want to bother with a large crowd". Or something like that. 
  • RKwedding2011RKwedding2011 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
       I can totally relate to how you feel.  Who wants to expense and hassle?  At times it seems like a fun idea to go all out.  However, I agree with you.  It is a big investment.  Perhaps you two could pick something you both like.  A compromise.  Perhaps something small with a big party later?  I can totally relate to how you feel with family members wondering why you would have something big.  It affected me, but in a good way.  We are planning something small but I invited all of the family, knowing most wouldn't come.
       I had the same issue.  My fiance wanted a real wedding. He's excited about the joining of 2 families, friends etc.  I wanted to elope or have about 10 guests. We compromised. We are having a small wedding of about 50.  The wedding and reception is at my small home church.  We are spending about $2,000 for the entire thing. We sent out about 110 invitation.  Many of them were to out of town guests who can't make it. We are getting married in 3 weeks.  We still get all the parties, bridal shower, bachelorette/bachelor party excitement, but on a small scale.  It will be done and over in 3 weeks.  Do I still wish we had just had a 10 person easy wedding?  YES!  However, our compromise is a great way for us to start out our marriage. I hope you are able to work something out. 
  • edited December 2011
    I was just like you when I first got engaged (and even moreso BEFORE I got engaged).  I had been through it all before and just felt like it was all needless hubbub.  Really wanted to just run off somewhere tropical, do the thang, and come back married.

    My FI (first timer) was having none of it.  He was adamant about the whole BIG WHITE WEDDING OMG.  So, we started planning it.  And now.. I've gotten a lot more excited as we've moved along and I've been sucked back into what it's like to be a bride.

    I guess I don't have any advice for you, but just.. try?  It really can be fun if you don't let all the stress of the families get to you.  My first wedding was a NIGHTMARE of family strife.  But this one is so calm and stressfree because FI and I are paying for it ourselves and not listening to anyone else's input.
  • edited December 2011
    I felt the same way.  I didn't want to deal with family.  I didn't want the big wedding.  I wanted a marriage, and I knew that the wedding and marriage were two totally different things.  My DH, though, had very different ideas.  This all came to head when one night I was fussin gabout wedding planning and he said, "I am proud of you, I am proud of our family, and I want to share that with all of the people that are important to us."

    From that moment on, I tried my best to keep it together and keep this all in perspective.  As much as a wedding is one day and spending all of that money for 1 day is painful, it's also 1 day that means something important to your BF. 

    How do you get through it?  Accept that you are doing this for your BF because you love him, and then do your best to make the day special to the two of you (and plan for as little time as possible!).  We spent very little on our wedding, but was an awesome fun day.  Did my family make me crazy for the 5 months we planned?  Yes.  Was that one day worth it?  Absolutely.  Every cent, every tear, every second I worried was worth it. We radiated happiness all day long, and the entire day was a blast. 
  • edited December 2011
    Hey folks!  It's official!  I got the ring last night and I am very happy!  And there are so many people who are happy for us and very supportive, which is great!
  • edited December 2011
    Congratulations!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards