MOH issue/concern

TobeSAS

I have asked two of my friends to be my Matrons of honor. They have been through my previous marriage planning, the falling apart of that one and had actually had a part in meeting my FI this time around. The problem is, I am now in NC and they are in MI. Money is tight all around. FI offered to pay for their hotel while here for the wedding and I offered to pay for part if not all of the dresses. Problem is, neither of them could commit. They weren't sure they would be able to afford it.

Did anyone else have an issue with this the second time around? I recall the first time everyone was on board, and we were just starting out with NO money anywhere. Our wedding isn't going to be until summer 2011 which I would assume give them plenty of time to save some gas and food money for a long weekend trip.

Am I being harsh? What should I do? Should I give a timeline for them to accept or decline? What if they decline? Then what?

buckettgirl

If they can't afford it or cannot reasonably anticipate saving money for it, then they should respectfully decline to allow you time to ask others to be your attendents. They are probably being wishy-washy because they don't want to upset you by saying no. Let them off the hook, tell them it is ok and that you understand that finances are troublesome for most of America right now, but that if they can't you don't want to burden them.
I was in 2 weddings last year, and it is easy for brides to forgot how much it all costs for their attendents, especially when the wedding isn't local.
on edit: Sometimes it isn't about whether or not their expenses are paid for, but sometimes people can't afford to take off of work, afford the travel expense, or don't have a reliable means of transportation. If they cannot commit, then you will need to find someone else.

MikesAngie

I agree with the PP I know how important it is to have certain people in your bridal party, but if they aren't sure they can save the money and vacation time to be there be gracious about it and let them off the hook.  They know they are your first choice but sometimes especially in this current economy they may not be able to get the time off or be able to travel.

If something with their situation changes ask them if they would be willing to reconsider? Other than, be their good and gracious friend.

arv266

I agree with the PP.  I know that as a second time bride, we can sometimes get sensitive on people not being on board, or "as on board as the first wedding."  I don't think that is a fair sentiment, especially in this economic time.  Money is tight for everyone.  So there not being support has nothing to do with the fact that this is your second marriage, but has to do with finances.

 Although you feel that they have enough time to save up for your wedding, its never a good thing to assume what your friends can, or cannot do, with their money.  If they have already told you that they cannot commit, in my opinion, they have already given you the answer, which is no.

 

Sue-n-Kevin

I agree with RetreadBride on this one. If they are such dear friends, and the first people you think to involve in your wedding, then I'd let it go. A second wedding is just as important as the first, and in some ways more important because you have both eyes open and appreciate what's really valuable in life. Like great friends.

I'd explain to them you want them in your wedding party (titles like MOH are not important). You understand their money is tight. Would they come if they were invited but NOT in the wedding party? I'll bet they would if they could afford it. On the other hand, you would probably not finance any part of their experience if they were not in the wedding party.

If you can be flexible about your wedding "look", perhaps go with BM dresses in a color everyone can find on their own, (I'm doing black because my BM are in different cities, different ages), allow your BM to find affordable flattering dresses they can wear again, and I'm betting they will keep their options open about being in your wedding party. You need to do the same. If, in the end they simply can't make it (a lot can happen between now and your wedding), you'll be disappointed but know that you gave them every opportunity to share in your special day. There's no need to recruit "back up plan BM", just have ushers/groomsmen and any other friends or family you've invited to stand up at your wedding.

Good luck.