Extremely confused right now

nowiunderstand

I am currently completing my divorce but my marriage has been over for several years.  I have recently found the love of my life.  He proposed to me as a two part series,.  The first time, seeing the reaction from me, turned it into a promise ring and then this last weekend asked me to marry him.  I am at a loss right now and need friendly advice.  I dont want to tell friends or family as I dont feel that anyone would be supportive.  Already, I am the black sheep in my family for getting a divorce.  In addition, it is hard for me to be engaged and not have it be a time to share and celebrate.  Should it be considered more of a "promise"?  My first ring and life were very showy....based on nothing and like all things that are fake....that one didnt last.  My first engagement ring is valued at 8000 dollars and my wedding band around 2k.  My wedding was very small and destination.  My family wasnt really involved and I planned everything including my shower....it was a joke to start.  Anyway, I hadnt worn that ring set in a long time since it wasnt me and it was embarassing to me.  I dont want or expect anything showy but I am a traditionalist.  The ring I was recently given is a plain band.  To me, that is a wedding band and I dont want to wear it on my left hand.  But I realize that some people never have an engagement band and I am being silly wanting the traditional engagement ring no matter the size as he doesnt have much money.  In addition, he knows that I prefer white gold but he still insisted on yellow and insisted on going to the jewelry store he knows rather than shopping around.  I feel like a greedy bitch even complaining but really dont know what to do.  I feel funny mentioning anyting.....I guess I could ask him if he expects this ring to just switch over?  I feel like I have hinted about rings...(did they ask about the ring?) but he doesnt really acknowledge this.  Part of me doesnt want to call it an engagement for many reasons...my situtation being the main one.  What do you think?

AFChic00

You are in a tough situation and I understand how you feel.  As hard as it is, the best thing you can do is take some time for yourself to figure out how you feel.  Even if your marriage has been over for a longtime, divorce still does damage and you need time to heal.  If you have doubts or if you are unsure listen to intuition.  It is usually right.

right1thistime

In my opinion, and that it is all it is...you need to slow WAY down.  The fact that you are more concerned about the size/color/style of the ring is a red flag to me.  Here's why:  (a) you are not even divorced yet.  Which does not (to me) mean that you cannot have your life back, but it does mean that you haven't completed the emotional process of recovering from a painful mistake.  (b) if he is truly the "love of your life", I fully expect that he will be around for the rest of it.  That means there is no frenetic rush to get engaged, married, etc.  And if his current financial state is not meeting your expectations - the wait may help you to either come to terms with it or determine that its a deal-breaker  and (c) from my own past experience- the ever present insufficient ring reminded me on a daily basis that I was less important (to my xH) than a fancy camera, new stereo, new truck, casino gambling, other women, and so on. Are his financial priorities meeting your expectations? If today you are looking at the ring from the love of your life and what you are seeing is everything its not, I think you are trying to hard to convince yourself that your feelings are not vaild. 
Here's my advice, if even the tiniest molecule of you doesn't want to call it an engagement - don't.  That is probably the little voice inside that you have already missed listening to once before.  I know how much it means to you to not have to call yourself single. I know how that shakes your confidence and self esteem.  But the truth is that only when you can confidently say you are an independent single woman will you be actually available to enter into another relationship.  You said your marriage was over long before it ended- I know that experience.  That is why I am giving you this advice.  Because I, like you, knew it was over- but hung on, afraid of calling myself single again.  For me, it was safer to stay in a bad marriage than to admit I was alone.  You've done the hardest step- ending that bad relationship.  Have you worked through the emotions that kept you there?  If you haven't done counseling, I advise it.  If you have, but missed this work of therapy, I suggest you go back. 
Finally, if you don't have the kind of relationship to say to him, "this ring is lovely, but when we get engaged, it is important to me to have a diamond, and I would prefer to have some input into the purchase of jewelry that I want to wear every day for the rest of my life" and to deal with the discussion that ensues- you are not ready to marry this man.  ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

The prior poster is right. You are in a very tough situation. It sounds as though you have two issues:

- you want to keep your new marriage plans under the radar and don't want to appear to be celebrating, because you have a tough family situation
- you want to find a way to handle a huge diamond ring from your first, unsuccessful marriage, and are disappointed in finding that the new love of your life can't afford something even close to that, nor did he discuss or understand what you really wanted.

If this were me, I'd probably just date a while and not plan a wedding for a year or two. Save up, and give yourselves time to plan a more traditional wedding, something you didn't have the first time. It also sounds to me (although I don't know you) as though your new love isn't listening to what you really want. I'm sure he'd give it to you if he could afford it. Material things are really not that important. You need time to come to this conclusion yourself.

As far as your first ring, and your expectations. It might be big, but it doesn't sound like it has any emotional attachment for you at all. Again, if this were me, I'd probably take it to a jeweler and have it broken into several pieces of jewelry. I have 2 kids, and also the diamonds from my grandmother's wedding band. I've had a birthstone ring made for myself with 2 of the diamonds, and a pendant with the other two. That way they each get something passed down from their great-grandmother. If you have kids, your prior ring is from their dad. If you don't, then you can do with it as you will. Talk to your guy and see what would make him feel ok about any use of those stones in something you would like to wear and not feel embarrassed about. Explain to him there's no reason it has to go to waste. If you don't want any of the stones, then sell both the rings and give him some of the money, and shop together. Explain you will wear this the rest of your life and maybe he doesn't know you well enough to understand your tastes.

Good luck.

nowiunderstand

Wow- thank you all for the wonderful advice.  I dont want or expect a ring like my first one but I also feel unsure of the one he gave me.  I do realize that material items mean very little....they got me no where before and when I walked away from everything in that house, I felt enlightened,  It is true that I sould be able to say something to him but a part of me wonders if it is even worth it as I do like the ring...it is just not what I want and shsould he listen to my opinion or not since it is a gift ?(does that make sense?)  I like the idea of breaking down my other....I wasnt aware that I could do that.  No, I didnt go to counseling.....wasnt really sure what I could get out of it.  The divorce was the best decision I have made in my life and I no longer cry myself to sleep!  I definately need to work on getting my life in order as I have many things on my plate right now.  Thanks again for the kind advice.

Sloane99

I definitely think you need to separate the two issues. I think without that separation it's clouding everything, just my opinion of course, but here's my thoughts.

1) Easier issue: the ring, you don't love it - do NOT compare and contrast to your previous relationship (this goes for everything including this ring) - this issue should be just that simple.

Look at why you don't love it, too simple or just not your style? That's okay, have a chat with him about that.

Is it that he didn't take your thoughts into consideration and this is an issue of selfishness you see in him? In which case, examine if that's something you are willing to accept in a partner.

He's not meeting your financial goals? Then wait until you're both at a place financially that you are comfortable with.

Finally, it's okay to not love it, to be perfectly honest I would want more for a piece of jewellry that I'm wearing daily for the rest of my life too. My ring from my engagement was picked out and paid for by both of us, is this an option for you guys? It's not just a gift that you just have to accept, it's a symbol of commitment for both of you as far as I see it.

2) Definitely, please talk to someone. I had some hesitation at being excited for my engagement and I had to tell my family to cool it on the "this time" references, but I was never embarassed to be taking this step with this person. Even if people have questions or judgements, that's nothing you can control. Talk to a counsellor about gaining the self esteem necessary to be a confident, secure woman all by yourself, with or without this relationship regardless of other's thoughts.

3) I did this a lot too, at first which is what makes me think that the PP are right in that you need to talk to someone about how to move past your first marriage. I compared everything in my first few relationships post-divorce to my marriage. Things that I walked away from and everything I needed different this time and tried so hard to not be the person that I was then because that person failed at marriage. After seeing a counsellor I learned that two people made a poor decision for that marriage and that's a completely different way of looking at things. My current FI and relationship I suppose have some qualities that were present in my first husband, and several that are extremely different and more in tune to who I am but it's not something I really conciously think of.

flower_diva

get your divorce first before you accept anyone elses proposal of marriage.  If you think your family is upset because you are getting divorced,I would suspect that they will be even more upset to find out you are engaged to someone else and are still married. Married is married until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. If this man truely loves you he will not force the issue until everything is settled legally. JMO

thealphabride

My concern is that you are not taking any time at all to be on your own between marriages.

Divorce is big and you need to take time to rediscover yourself, and why you made that first choice that didn't work out and why.

Even though I was only married a short time, I had a 2 year old and took an entire year to figure out what went wrong with my choice. Then when ready started dating again.

How long have you been involved with the new man? It takes a very long time to REALLY get to know someone, so if you have not been involved with him for one year I wouldn't even think of getting engaged. Just my two cents.

Very best of luck to you!!!!

Jesstephens2009

Dear extremely confused, I just want to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Wow...I'm in the same exact position except for my divorce took about a year to finalize and I'm still tying up loose ends now. It was the best decision I've ever made to leave an extreamely controlling and emotionally abusive person. Thing is with those kinds of people is that they are usually pretty charming and everyone usually doesn't understand why you would leave them...so yes, I also am the black sheep of my family. I have also met the love of my life, such an amazing person. And he doesn't have alot of money, and I do struggle with it sometimes...not feeling stable...but all and all you gotta look at the big picture. Do his qualities show that he is a hard worker? This economy is tough right now on everyone, but hopefully its temporary. I feel its important to feel financially stable, but its more important to be happy with who you are with. Money comes and goes, but love is forever. To have someone who loves you for you is pricless. I feel that you should just tell him that since you are going to be wearing this ring the rest of your life and that you didn't necessarily like your previous ring, that you want to have a say in it. You are turning a new leaf in being true to yourself, you dont have to have your dream ring(right now), but something in your price range that fits your style. You can always upgrade later. My fiance and I were about to order some plain wedding bands but last week we were in sams club and after we checked out, the jewelery station was right there, so we decided to "just look" well we started trying rings on and got excited and whipped out the credit card. I love the rings we picked out and they should be arriving in a couple weeks.  I haven't told my family yet because I think my fiance is waiting till we get the rings to "officially" ask me. I'm a little nervous, but I think if you show your family how confident you are in this new person in your life, they will eventually come around. But really, it doesn't matter if they "approve" because they are not the ones who go home to him each night, you are. And if he makes you happy, THAT is all that matters. Its been pretty confusing to me at times also, but I just try to take it day by day and not let fear of the unknown to get in the way of being happy.

jhughes2020

Let your family know. They're entitled to share in your happiness.

My finance doesn't like diamonds, so I gave up the idea of wearing my mother's rings, which were quite ostentatious. I don't want to wear a ring full of stones that he'll look at and think, "I don't like that ring."

Tell the groom what kind of ring you want (some guys need to be hit over the head with a water balloon). You might consider a ring with two kinds of gold in it, the kind he wants and the kind you want. You will wear that ring for a long time so you want something you like to look at and something he likes to look at.

nowiunderstand

I am so happy that some people understand.  It is true that it is important to know yourself and be aware of who you are and mistakes that were made.  I feel that while I need to grow as a person, I know what mistakes I made and have always known that my first marriage was built on what people expected and wasnt representative of what we felt.  I found out by accident that he really doesnt know the difference between an engagement and wedding ring (stone wise) which is innocent and cute.  Funny, as he is more of a romantic than any female I have ever known.  What I have to say is that I have never found another person with such a pure, good heart as his.  I am made to feel like a princess and it is very true that I should not care what my family thinks as they are not the ones going home to him.  I guess I already receive enough flack and dont need more.  Thanks for the advice