Question dealing with Mom

kaw4189

Little bit of back story:
When I graduated high school I thought I was in love with a guy in the Army, we wanted to get married but my parents didn't approve. His deployment date moved up and for reasons other than love we decided to get married in the courthouse before he left. We had planned to have a "real" wedding when he returned. Things went from bad to worse and I ended up leaving (escaping) pretty soon after he got home. We divorced rather quickly but things really are for the better.
Fast forward... I am now engaged to a wonderful man whom my family loves! The completely approve of our relationship and our future marriage. This wil be his 2nd marriage, as well. He was married to his 1st wife for 7 years, and they had a pretty low key small wedding at his parents' house.

While my mother is excited for us, she is not really willing to help much and doesn't seem to be getting too excited about helping me plan. She keeps saying we shouldn't have a big wedding since it's a 2nd wedding for both of us. While I would normally agree... my mother has been married 3 times. I feel like it's OK to do a "real" wedding b/c I didn't get that the first time around and FI would like to have a nice wedding in our church. We are paying for most of the wedding ourselves so I feel like we should be able to do what we feel comfortable with. What hurts is that she pretty much planned my cousins entire wedding for her in 3 weeks but hasn't offered to help us. We have some family stuff going on right now so I'm hoping that's the issue.

Sorry that story was kind of all over the place but how should I deal with her? I don't want to shut her out but I get so sad every time I invite her join me doing something or ask for her help with planning XYZ and she keeps turning me down b/c she's busy. I'm getting really frustrated but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Words of wisdom?

Lisa50

Congratulations on your engagement! 

Here's my $0.02 ...   First, I recommend you and your fiance plan the wedding the two of you want and can afford, that way, mom is not on the hook to contribute and thus will have no skin in the game (so to speak).  Others will chip in here with specific, appropriate language to use with your mom.  Finally, I would urge greater sensitivity in referring to a courthouse ceremony as anything other than a real wedding.  At the end of that ceremony, you're just as married as the couple who chose any other kind of ceremony.  No more.  No less.

Best of luck!

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome!

In the end, it doesn't matter whether this is your first or 10th marriage. It is the first for the two of you.

I'm getting married for the first time to a man with 2 prior marriages. He's never had a "fancy" reception, so that is what we are planning. My Mom used to be in catering, doing dozens of weddings herself. Because of her age, and for other reasons I don't know, she's not as "gung ho" as I'd hoped she'd be when I share the details of our wedding, or show her things. But then, I'm in my mid 50's, she's going to be 80 this month, and she has so many things on her plate with her health, and my dad's, that I don't let it bother me. I AM excited, and that's what matters.

Just share with your Mom what you think she cares about. If her blase approach continues, then reduce your input to her, but don't let it affect your feelings for her. We can't control the excitement or lack thereof that others exhibit. Let it go.

Good luck.

right1thistime

What Lisa said-- 100%. 

kaw4189

Talked to her today, seems like I will be paying for the wedding. I think more than anything I just really want her help with planning. I thought it would be a really fun thing for us. Maybe in a few months she'll changer her mind.

Thanks.

MikesAngie

KAW4189 - Congratulations!!! Welcome to the board...

I agree with what Lisa50 and Sue said.  This marriage is a first for you and your FI, so have the wedding you can afford and do it your way. 

mybooboos

Congrats and welcome!

Plan the wedding that you and your FI will enjoy and think back on with warm happy memories.  Moms and other friends and family may not meet the expectations that we have in place for them, and that's ok. You need to alter the expectation and move on.

It is your marriage, regardless of 1st, 3rd or 10th.  As Lisa stated above, plan what you and FI want and can afford, and enjoy it. 

WendyCB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_question-dealing-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:ed230184-8928-4d98-8387-d3c0d7f0162fPost:94d9382c-4bb7-45c9-bfbc-fa087ed2260a">Re: Question dealing with Mom</a>:
[QUOTE]Talked to her today, seems like I will be paying for the wedding. I think more than anything I just really want her help with planning. I thought it would be a really fun thing for us. Maybe in a few months she'll changer her mind. Thanks.
Posted by kaw4189[/QUOTE]

Just have fun planning your wedding and don't let it bring you down :)  Second marriage or not, it's exciting and happy time for you and your FI. You can have a very nice wedding without spending a fortune. She may come around and I hope she does if want her involved.