moving in

336339

So the moment of truth when I move into his house---
after being on my own with everything just the way I like it (i.e. clean and pretty) for the past 10 years.

Is anyone else dealing with this?
And planning a wedding?

melissamc2

We moved in together 6 months ago...with my four children. 

He and the kids handled living with one another effortlessly, from day one,  just about.

I think I'm ALMOST used to having merged "our ways."  Haha.   We did buy a new home just for "us," however, so it was never really "his" house.

Oh, and yes - we've been in full blown wedding planning mode that entire time.

Good luck! 

handfast4me

Oh, I remember that moment.  He moved in about a year before our legal wedding, but I didn't feel entirely comfortable with him just moving in without some sort of commitment. (This was due to Ex-H, long story.)  So a couple of months after he moved in, because we're Pagan, we did a full-on Pagan handfasting.  He still refers to it as our wedding ceremony, even though we still had to do a legal wedding. 

It was tough coming home and seeing his cat's scratching posts around the house, and a couple of other things, but he's worth it.  I'm still not sure why, though, RIGHT after every time I finish cleaning the bathroom he has to go use the toilet and then shave.  LOL!!!!!  

arv266

My FI moved in with me and my two children about two years ago.  At the time we were moving into a bigger apartment, so we were all moving into "new" space.  I remember being REALLLLLY stressed about it - I would focus on this little things like decorations and where furniture would go, and I was a wreak for the entire day.  But it really wasnt about where to hang that old picture, it was about me being unsure of how to open up my entire life to make room for the man I love.  The merging of households doesnt happen overnight - its a day by day thing, and its a give and take thing.  He ignores my undies sprawled in the dressing room.  I ignore his genelogogy papers piled in corners.  Pink is no longer the signature color in the bedroom (its now Colonial Blue) but I do have a pink bathroom!  The space we share is now ours and I really wouldnt have it any other way.  We are now in full wedding planning mode and it is still working out.  Since I am making all of the favors and centerpieces, we are running out of room to store things, but there has not been ONE meltdown (fingers crossed).  There isnt anything that I have had to give up in order to make our co-habitation work, and I feel very lucky!  I wish you the best of luck on your journey to making a home! 

pacificgalx

We moved in together right before Thanksgiving last year. We bought a house together. I've been a single parent for 8 years and really never thought of marrying again after going through such a painful divorce. Blending families has been the toughest part but we are all adjusting to our new lives. We got engaged last year in July but we didn't start wedding planning until after Christmas. I couldn't deal with the planning plus the move at the same time. We are now in full mode wedding planning. Best of luck to you and your FI!

JennaHR

  He moved into my apartment that I share with my two girls about a month after getting engaged, I like it this way, because I was able to make room for him where I could fit him. It's going well.
   We are now planning to buy his childhood home from his father next year when he retires. He's already in the works of re-carpeting and finishing the basement, ect. for our eventual move-in. And I'm the one with decorating sense, and he knows it, so that;s all me.
   .We dated for three years before getting engaged, and moving in together was my biggest fear. I liked my independence, it defined me. I guess i'm still coming to terms with accepting half the rent and utilities from him, but it is nice to have some extra cash!

msblumoo

I will be dealing with this soon. I just put my townhome on the market and once it sells I will be moving in with my FI and his young adult child. I myself have been a single parent for the last 26 years and have lived by myself for the last 5 years. I , like the OP love my clean pretty home. If there is a mess it is my mess. Oh my gosh I get so stressed just thinking about the change that is soon to occur! Part of me is excited but the other is just not quite ready. Our wedding is in November and I really didn't want to move in together until after our wedding day and that still may happen, but if my home does sell what am I going to do? Go to a hotel for the next 4months? Crazy! Even crazier is that I am already spending the night at his place 4 out of 7 days, I just don't shower there or "hang there" in my spare time (we are neighbors). Geez, I sound like a fruitcake! I hope this is normal!!

LesPaul

We're working on it.  The plan was to sell my house and move into 'our' house.  Well, 6 months on the market without even a nibble has caused us to reconsider our strategy.  So, DH moved into my house and we are adjusting.  It's not easy for either of us - we don't want to be in my house, and I've lived alone (well, with my daughters) for 12 years.  My biggest problem is getting annoyed or angry and not talking about it, when usually there is a simple answer or solution.  I'm trying to speak up more to avoid some of the conflict.

right1thistime

I hear you on the poor real estate market.  We still own two houses - which are on the same street, with a neighbor in between.  We essentially live in mine, but escape to his to get away from the teenagers on occasion - together or on our own.  If the market were better, we would have sold both and moved into an "ours" house.  Its unconventional, but it works.

Marrin713

Oh Mrs. B - you are in my exact situation.  I moved in with T and his young adult son.  The xW had been out of the picture for a long time so it had just been T and the son.  God's truth:  it was like moving into a frat house and it still is.  I've been here 3 years and I've made very little headway.  They are so set in their ways - the son moreso than T.  Little by little tho we have been getting rid of the the XMrsT's things but have to be so careful because of the son.  I don't want to erase everything about his mom (she lives in another state and they see each other about 3x year), but seriously, this southwest chit has GOT TO GO!

I am so looking forward to "our" own home.  The real estate market being what it is in the Chicago area - well, it's not gonna happen yet for us.

It's a fine line I walk and I know that this situation is partly the cause of some of my issues.  I lived in my own place for 3 years after leaving xH, and I was pretty much a minimalist - these two are packrats.  Something gets put down and it stays there - whether it's wrapping paper, a piece of mail, an article of clothing....you name it.  And it's very stressful for me to live this way.  T understands but he is also put in the predicament of being betw me and his son.  And like you LesPaul, I tend not to speak up.

336339

Oh my gosh you guys, I see myself in all of your posts!  Thanks so much, someone understands!!!! I'm trying to let go and take things as they come--but I do feel like I'm moving into a dark and dingy frat/army house from my beautiful sunny apartment on the water.  But my FI is so worth it, but it's hard!
I moved my 2 cats over last night, and I miss them!  But his house is quiet before all the kids come back from college, so I had to seize the moment.  That's when it all started to sink in.  And then everything just seemed so dirty and cluttered--my plan?  I'm getting my housekeeper over there, and I will just conquer one room at a time in terms of decorating.  Though I'm the type who wants it all done now!
Good luck to us all!

pacificgalx

Mrsb - I put my house on the market last summer and it sold in 4 days, thank God. I still didn't even want to move in together. I had 13 years of stuff and I had to be out in 30 days, crazy!! We managed and I temporarily moved into a friend's house along with my 2 kids until our home was finished. I just had to stay in my own space. You're not crazy, it's totally normal.

Sloane99

We were living together in a place that was 100% ours and then we had to move so now we're living together in a temporary place right now, although we've been there for nearly two years - we're in the process of building "our" first home together.

Because it's temporary and I've always sort of known that, I've taken very little interest in making things neat, organized and my own (FI could live in a box and be fine with it), now compounded with the big move in a month or so to our dream home I've lost even more interest in doing anything remotely nice with our current place, including cleaning! I feel like I've lowered my standards to a ridiculous degree, even if it is only for a while.

Now, I'm stressed out that I'm going to turn into a nagging wife when we move into the new place, because FI lives like a pig and prior to our current home, I never did, I hate clutter, it stresses me out and I don't even think he sees it. We'll see how it goes, but I bet I get twitchy when his socks end up on the floor of our living room.

msblumoo

Thanks ladies for letting me know I am not crazy! I have to tell you this is really for me the most stressful aspect of this whole getting remarried process. I want to live and share a life with my future husband, but I am so afraid of giving up my freedom and the way I do things (or don't do things). I've just been alone so long now. I think the scariest is having an adult child still in the home because I won't mind so much picking up after the husband (he does alot for me) but I do not want to become the maid service for the other adult in the house and I don't want to come off as the nagging new person to the household. Does that make sense or am I being unreasonable?

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_moving?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:eff75029-8134-47d7-80c2-c6125edba91dPost:08e19702-f925-45af-86a5-00c1c3d0923b">Re: moving in</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies for letting me know I am not crazy! I have to tell you this is really for me the most stressful aspect of this whole getting remarried process. I want to live and share a life with my future husband, but I am so afraid of giving up my freedom and the way I do things (or don't do things). I've just been alone so long now. I think the scariest is having an adult child still in the home because I won't mind so much picking up after the husband (he does alot for me) but I do not want to become the maid service for the other adult in the house and I don't want to come off as the nagging new person to the household. Does that make sense or am I being unreasonable?
Posted by msblumoo[/QUOTE]

Makes perfect sense.  But here's the thing: start off by not picking up after the 3rd person in the house - - - begin as you mean to go on.  I set a bad precendent w/ T's son by doing too much and now it is expected.

msblumoo

Thank you Marrin. Any other advise you have I am all ears.

Marrin713

Oh BTW Mrs b - I decided not to go with the bouquet picture frame for my dad's pic since I'm forgoing the bouquet business.  I think it was you who asked a long while ago.  We're setting up a small memorial with a candle at the reception.  It's just going to be in the background and have pics of our two dads.

How old is FI's young adult BTW?  T's is 22 and he was away at college but he's been home this past year.  Generally easy to live with all around, but this frat house mentality drives me nuts.  When he came home from school last spring, he lived out of open suitcases on his bedroom floor for 3 months instead of putting stuff away.  Just weird things like that.

msblumoo

My FI's daughter is just turning 23. She's a good kid, but like I said I am used to only having my own mess, if any to deal with. And when my daughter's still lived at home they had to help out around the house and I was quite the nag to get them to do so. All I really want from her is to wash the dishes every once in a while and put her things in the bathroom away in their place. For the last two years she has been learning a trade so FI lets her do pretty much nothing except fold her clothes and keep her room neat. Fine, but when I move in she should be done with school I feel she should at least do the above. I don't want to make either of them mad by nagging but unless I say something guess who's washing the dishes ect.. Gosh I sound lke a nag already.

336339

This will be my situation as well, a bunch of college age kids used to a dad with frat house mentality i.e. no clue how/why to keep things neat and clean--esp. the one son who makes cookies/dinner and never cleans up after himself.....
how do I not clean up after him?  Do I enlist the help of his father?
Thank god I have to go to work everyday.... 

AdelphiTN

Allow me to introduce you to the competitive chore list, ladies. I have 4 boys, so it really works at my house.  I make a list of chores - some super simple, some downright gross. And it's a sign up sheet. First come, first serve. It is too funny to watch them RUN to the sheet on the fridge and then go "YES! DUSTING!"  And if you haven't picked and done your chore by X time, then *I* get to assign you a chore (the threat of the horrible gross chore).

For those of you with just one or two kids in the house, then you and FI could sign up on it too. Make it fun, jostle over it a bit in the presence of the kid.

Now of course, the gross chores still usually end up on me (of course), but i haven't DUSTED in years! lol.

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_moving?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:eff75029-8134-47d7-80c2-c6125edba91dPost:7031fa7e-1ec8-4a41-8508-42465b994ccd">Re: moving in</a>:
[QUOTE]This will be my situation as well, a bunch of college age kids used to a dad with frat house mentality i.e. no clue how/why to keep things neat and clean--esp. the one son who makes cookies/dinner and never cleans up after himself..... how do I not clean up after him?  Do I enlist the help of his father? Thank god I have to go to work everyday.... 
Posted by 336339[/QUOTE]

God yes!  One time I left something just sit out because the son did not put away after using.....and it sat, and it sat, and it sat.  I finally had to just deal with it because I don't know how long it would have sat there.

I've had to speak to T about some things, but I only do it when it's on my last nerve and then I sound like a harridan.  I have to learn to speak up before I end up so upset that I say things I'll regret.

msblumoo

Well I guess we should all feel good that we are not alone in this situation. It is beyound frustating that we always have to bend over backwards and put things away, wash the dishes ect.. If we say something we are nagging. If we choose to ignore it then we have a mess and we become resentful. Sooner or later something(someone) has to blow and look out now but we are the ones who look bad. So how to fix this problem until these adult stepchildren decide to live on their own? It just seems a fine line has to be walked and I think I am too set in my ways to walk it sometime. Anyone else?

NJ Jen

Oh this thread gives me such comfort! I can't wait to live with my new husband, but holy cow I so enjoy having my own space, and everything goes where I want it to!

kikibella1210

MY fi and I have been together 6 years and have not lived together.  We currently own our homes 35 minutes from each other.  His kids are grown and out of his home, i have two teenagers 16 & 18.  We decided we wouldn't live together while my kids were in high school because he likes his little house & we don't want to move there, it would mean a new school district.  He isn't crazy about moving to my house so we decided to keep our own homes until my youngest graduates high school.  we love, love, love our independence in our own homes.  we have sleep over saturday's and date night fridays. We constantly miss each other and get together whenever we can.  

It is difficult but this is how we have been since the beginning.  we did buy a vacation home which is ours that we get to at least 4x a year.  My X was supposed to move to my town so the kids could live with him & me and go to the same school - but of course he screwed me over on that and moved two towns away. I can't stand him!  

My fi and i decided we could wait another few years to fully live together but we are still going through with the wedding.  

arv266

Hi,
I've read through these post, and although my kids are 12 and 10, its the exact same situation!  Items could sit for daysssssssssssss without the kids noticing them.  And lets not get me going about eating in the bedrooms - an act that will bring down the wrath and fury of mother.  I never wanted my FI to feel frustrated with the way our home looks, but I also didnt want to feel like the buffer between them and him.  He too would do all the dishes, and clean up after them, to save himself from having to ask them to do it themselves. We have reached the point where we both remind them to pick up, and we all have assigned chores.  Now again, the kids are younger, but what helped tremendously is that this is something that he and I communicate on, and it is something that we both communicate to the kids.  Just because you are dealing with older children doesnt mean you have to tip toe around them.   Change is difficult for everyone, but it is possible, and I think you and your FI can have a sit down with his son and acknowledge that a change has been made to the household, and what the expectations are.  What works for us is that my FI can ask the kids to clean up, without going through me, and without letting it build to a slow boil.  The reality of it is, my kids are INFINITELY neater since FI moved in!  Hope this help!