I give up...

renjon7798

So I posted the other day about my dress drama and my debate on whether or not to change my dress.  Well tonight I asked my mother to go dress shopping with me.  (on a side note, this is my 2nd wedding and my mother and I are NOT close at all.  She has been asking for more mother daughter time, and this was my big attempt to mend bridges between us and involve her in our wedding).  She turned me down, not only did she turn me down, but she said "It's just not really my thing.  I'd rather go shopping for clothes for myself."  Then she jumped my FI about how much we were planning to spend on "this big unnecessary wedding"?  WTF?!  I hate to admit this, but I'm really hurt by her reaction.  She shows no interest in my wedding to the most wonderful man and loving step father (after getting out of an emotionally and phsyically abusive marriage).  The only thing she cares about is the money she feels we are wasting on a wedding she says we don't need.  Am I wrong here?

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_give-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f1c9e484-fd89-43e9-9bd7-ac3dc97a0d5dPost:95469d77-8c45-4a80-9e93-6103b6563587">Re: I give up...</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't wrong I'd be upset too. My best advice is quit trying to include her so you can avoid the stress. And whatever you do don't talk to her about what anything costs.
Posted by Dot Dash[/QUOTE]

Agree.  I know its tough to let go, but it is not worth the stress.  Good luck!

handfast4me

Ok, a couple of things going on here.  First, if your mom is older than I am (I'm in my 50s) she may be of the mindset that second weddings are always just private affairs, where there bride wears a light blue suit, and if there is any sort of celebration at all, it's cake and punch right after the ceremony.  Let me take a wild guess and say that she's not on The Knot and hasn't bought into the wedding industry.  Because that's what it is.  An INDUSTRY.  And The Knot perpetuates that entire idea.  And what she had for a wedding was probably very different than what many people do now. I also think that much of what is considered "must haves" is nonsense.   I can't IMAGINE spending over 26,000 for a one day celebration --and that's just the average!  Many spend more than that.  If others want to, that's fine, but for me, I chose to use that money on the house to which I will retire. 

Here's an example of the nonsense: two weeks before my wedding, I got a reminder from TK about over 300 things I still HAD to do! WTF?  I had a beach wedding with just the two of us, and there were NOT over 300 things to do total, let alone left to do. 

While I think it's perfectly fine for you to plan whatever type of wedding (ceremony) and reception (celebration afterwards) you'd like, no one is going to be as wrapped up in this as you are.  Not even your mom.   While she may seem a bit selfish based on what you've posted, moms have faults, too.  I know, I'm one--and a grandma!   

Sometimes those that we're related to are not good for our mental health.  You have, as I see it, three options here.  1) cut her out of your life 2)just go about your business and wedding planning and not include her or 3) tell her that if she wants a closer relationship, she's gotta come halfway. 

So, in closing, no one can make you feel this way but you--time to share your happiness in your upcoming marriage with the one that counts--your husband-to-be.

handfast4me

RenJon--look at the post just above yours--this is how others may think of second/third weddings.  It's an interesting thing that these two viewpoints are one above the other. 

lindaloulubbock

I had a similar situation with my mom.  We're now 8 days from my wedding and she's terribly upset that I haven't included her.  Sometimes you just can't win.

I've spent way too much time crying over my situation, so I'll offer you what I wish I had done in mine-

Send your mom an email.  Tell her that you'd like for her to participate as much as she'd like to participate and that you would always welcome her company, but you don't require it.  I did that, but what I didn't do was this-send her email updates when you have appointments or things you think she might be interested in (with my mom she was upset she wasn't included in choosing flowers).  Don't expect her to be involved.  Don't get upset if she chooses not to be there.  Do what makes you happy but continue to give her the option of being a part of your planning.

And realize that sometimes there is no right way to proceed and you just do your best to deal with the fallout.  

mightyoakes

I agree with much of the other posts. Bottom-line: It is YOUR wedding, not hers and YOU have to be the one that deals with it.

My mother and I have not spoken in years - she's an alcoholic and very narsastic. She's not coming to the wedding - and I am so glad - no drama!

renjon7798

My mother is 68 and yes, thinks we should just go to the JOP and be done with it.  And we have a pretty small budget, considering the national average.  We are only planning on $10K and so far, we are are WAY under budget. 

This is my wedding and I want my family to be happy about it.  All of my friends are and some of my parents friends are even excited about the wedding, but my parents, mostly my mother, just don't seem to get it.

Marrin713

Our wedding cost right around $2500 and my mother reacted like we were crazy to spend so much (on a second wedding) were the words she wanted to tack on but didn't dare.

mgd1121

Gosh everyone, I'm sorry there are so many bad experiences with moms in a 2nd wedding.  I understand feeling hurt, Renjon, because I was totally hurt by my mom's not wanting to be involved too. (of course she sure wants to dole out her opinion if my FI and I are discussing the wedding lol)  My  mom would rather I focused attention on helping her fix up her house and such things.  Don't let her get you down.  Let her know that you were attempting to spend some time with her.  Then, I would make a point NEVER to tell her about how much anything costs lol.  Hopefully, she'll bring up the "I want to spend time with you" convo again and you can explain that you'd like to and try to steer the time to something that both of you will enjoy.

On a side note, my feelings would be hurt to by the "'unnecessary wedding" comment, but it probably is a generational thing.   Sorry you're going thru this.