1st post, 2nd wedding, looking for feedback

ASLBethanyNH

Hi all.  I'm not officially engaged yet (long story) but we're planning our wedding for 10-10-10.  We've chosen the basics together and he's giving me leeway on the rest.  He missed out on some stuff his first time around years ago and I had a traditional reception after an outdoor semi traditional wedding.  I thought havning a nice reception would give him what he missed out on the first time around.  I also want to really celebrate with friends.  He's very blah about inviting anyone and thinks he doesn't have friends and the old friends wouldn't come (2.5 hrs away).

Here's the deal.  He hasn't officially proposed.  We've been together for a while and have referred to each other as husband/wife for some time.  After reading some posts, and having concerns about not having enough guests 'on his side', I'm considering asking him about a reception at a restaurant.  Outside of that, we have a hall, I have a dress and we have centerpiece/table decorations and favors.  All we need is to find a DJ and a JP and a cake.  We're going subtle-traditional in that we'll be dressed up with a ceremony and reception and cake and photos but no attendants, no registry, no church.  We're doing a celebratory cocktail party with apps and drinks and DJ and cake.  I'm a little concerned about money but more concerned because he's procrastinating about doing the official proposal thing.  I know we're in this forever and I know he loves me and would do anything for me so it's not a matter of him not wanting this, I guess it's just that the wedding part isn't as important to him as it is to me.

It's 3 months away and I'm worried that I don't have a DJ, a JP, a cake, someone to alter my dress, invitations aren't printed, etc.  Am I just freaking out at the planning that I have left to do?  Am I way off base if we haven't done the guest list (I'm thinking 30-60 people) or printed our invitations yet?

I'm excited and I wish he were excited too but he's a quiet, not expressive man who already feels married.

Thanks,
Bethany

Sloane99

For a local wedding I believe invites go out around 6 weeks in advance so for that you should be fine. Of course all this depends on when you need to give final numbers to caterers/restaurants though.

I guess I'm a bit confused, you've booked some stuff, venue, dress, etc, presumably with FI/BF's knowledge but are holding off on others because you're not officially engaged? I assume he knows that you're going ahead with plans and will be there willingly right?

If you have a date and are making plans then you're engaged, congrats! Finish your planning and have a wonderful day. If you are sad that you never got a traditional proposal then have a conversation with him and ask for a nice romantic night out where he actually asks the question he knows you will say yes to. I never got asked officially either, but if this isn't something that's okay with you what did he say when you told him that?

As for him not being excited, meh, FI is very excited about being my husband, but really hasn't planned anything other than picking between my already narrowed down ideas for a couple of things. We decided on a budget, I planned it all, he was in the loop and that worked great for us.

ASLBethanyNH

Yes, he'll be there willingly.  I'm not holding off on anything because there hasn't been a proposal and I've told him he still needs to officially ask.  We set the date in late February and we went together to look at different venues.  We decided together on location, will on food, have on decorations, etc. 

I'll check on numbers for venue.  Thanks for the 6 week timeline.  I feel better.

I'd like an actual proposal but I know he's on board.  I would never pick a date and just start planning LOL    We actually did talk last night, again, and he knows he needs to ask and that I will say yes.  He's just not as gung-ho as I am and that's a little deflating to the female self esteem, for me.

Thanks,
Bethany


can anyone help me put my ticker as my sig line?

Sue-n-Kevin

Bethany, I've sort of been where you are twice.

When I was 21, my fiance moved home to Massachusetts. He was aware of the wedding planning going on, but had not proposed. I had no engagement ring. Through letters back & forth we realized we were not meant to get married, and called everything off.

This time I met a great guy, we bought an engagement ring together on sale, put it away for the right time (I have a daughter with issues with her dad's wife, too much to go into). The ring sat in a drawer for nearly a year. My son was moving out of state last August to go to grad school, so we decided we wanted to do "it" beforehand. We had a BBQ in my home, he asked my parents & kids for their blessing, which they gave. After everyone was done, I told him he had to "do it the right way", and he got down on his knee and asked. Pretty anti-climactic after all the time the ring sat in my drawer, LOL.

If your husband-to-be is aware of all the planning, sometimes guys just aren't into the things that females think are important. You've both been married before, and the whole "down on one knee" thing or formal "will you marry me" question just isn't all that important. It really isn't in the entire scope of the importance of marriage. Don't let it mess with your female ego. You'll both answer the same question at your wedding, which is "will you take this woman (man) to be your lawfully wedded wife (husband)?". Those are really the most important words and questions.

As long as it appears he's ready to get married, knows about the plans, and he's on board, then don't sweat the small stuff..........and it's all small stuff (Title of a great book).

Good luck.

MikesAngie

Sue-n-Kevin you always have wonderful advice... I enjoy reading  your posts!

Bethany you have some really good advice here, but I totally understand where you are at with wanting him to officially ask for your hand.  We started planning our wedding and it was after the ring was bought and living in a safe (I hadn;t seen it, yet) that my FI, let me in on his worry - that I wouldn't say yes...  Long story very story he had proposed without a ring when we were 21 - 25 years later he was worried he would get the same answer.   Needless to say he did ask and I did say yes he was waiting for a special day.