Second Weddings

Advice...

I just got engaged to the man of my dreams 2 weeks ago. We are planning a wedding on December 3. I have been married before and have a 3 year old little boy. FI has never been married. I am 22 years old and never had a real ceremony. (My first marriage was after i found out about my son and was never a healthy relationship.) Nick and I both want a wedding with attendants (4) and a reception. My one problem is my mom. She is old fashioned to be mild. She keeps telling me it is inappropriate what we are planning and would be embarrassed to send out invitations to her friends. She also does not think it is appropriate for us to have any sort of wedding showers saying its just begging people for gifts. ( I live at home and he is finishing up his masters in a college town, so we really don't have things to start a home) His family is supportive in what we are planning, and my dad is supportive saying that he doesn't necessarily think its appropriate but he wants us to be happy and he has never given me a wedding. My question is how to i work with my mom? I don't want her to be embarrassed of me at my wedding!

Re: Advice...

  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations and welcome!!! 

    Your mom needs to lurk on this board.  She's stuck in etiquette that has died away.  Wedding ceremonies, receptions and showers are not just reserved for the first time bride.  They are for any bride, as long as she follows the basic rules of etiquette.
  • mybooboosmybooboos member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations on your engagement, and welcome to the boards.

    Your mom may not change her way of thinking, so you'd have to decide if that's something you can live with.  If so, than move forward with planning a wedding that you and your FI want, and can afford, with the understanding that you won't be sharing a lot of the details with your mom.  The upside is, if she's too embarrassed to have her friends invited, your guest list is smaller and you save money! Wink

    Good luck and happy planning!
    Presentation is everything!! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f7bfaba6-b73c-447b-a676-b69a957f61c1Post:0d2d41fb-dabc-472f-978c-ef743b2379a5">Re: Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]... <strong>move forward with planning a wedding that you and your FI want, and can afford, with the understanding that you won't be sharing a lot of the details with your mom.</strong>  The upside is, if she's too embarrassed to have her friends invited, your guest list is smaller and you save money! Good luck and happy planning!
    Posted by mybooboos[/QUOTE]

    From what I understand (reading on TK) about brides/grooms whose parents are involved in wedding planning, you may be just fine moving ahead without your mom's input.  It is, after all, not her wedding. 

    Congratulations on your engagement.  Happy planning!
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011

    Congrats and welcome!!! You are very wise beyond your years, since this is the first board you posted on.............. everyone here is kind and understanding most of the time.

    It sounds like you have your Dad on your side, and yes, your Mom is living in the 1950-1960 version of etiquette hell.

    I don't think you will embarrass your Mom on your wedding day. I also don't think she's necessarily disappointed that you found a great guy who wants to marry you and share in the life of your son. It really just sounds as though she is stuck in the very old way of thinking. I can relate, as my 80 y/o Mom is not outwardly, overly enthusiastic about my wedding, but then she is REALLY from way back, LOL. However, she knows this is how my fiance and I want to celebrate our wedding, and she is happy for us.

    Part of the difficulty for you will be that it doesn't sound as though you and your fiance are in the position to pay for this all by yourselves (unless I'm reading too much between the lines). That means you have to rely on some assistance from others. With that assistance comes some say in how the celebration will be. The money does some of the talking, LOL.

    Since it appears his family is supportive, perhaps a "meet and greet" between the 2 sets of parents might be in order. You'll need your Dad on your side for this, so clue him in beforehand. Hopefully once your Mom hears how excited your fiance's family is, and your Dad, she'll come around a bit.


    Good luck.

  • edited December 2011
    Thank yall so much! And yes we will need help with wedding expenses. My fiance is finishing up his masters and I am graduating in May with my BS. I talked to my dad and he says she is coming around. I will keep you all posted. But it really makes me feel better to know that so many other people agree that it is not "socially unacceptable" for me to finally have a wedding with the person i love.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    There's a Moms and maids board for your mom.  But please don't say you "never had a real ceremony."   If you were legally married, then you had a ceremony.  What I suspect is that you went to a JOP because you were pregnant, which is fine, but that IS a ceremony.  It's just insulting to the brides who choose to have a civil ceremony and don't want guests or attendants, or are forced to do so because of prejudice against certain religions in this country, as their religious ceremonies aren't recognized by the state. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    Without being bitchy remind your mom that she got to have a wedding day and that you are as entitled as any other woman to have your day. And if she would be embarrassed to invite her friends then she need not ask any of them to come. You are a bride and you deserve the chance to have your wedding dreams come true. And as for the showers, if you have not set up a home together there is absolutely no shame in registering for gifts. Again you are entitled to the full bride experience.
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