So FI asked his daughter what she thought of him getting married.........

crazynlove2011

and as adorable as she could be, the first thing she said was "Cool. And oh, can I be your maid of honor? But I am picking my own dress." Then she went on to discuss her hair and makeup and getting all dressed up. She said she needed to start working up ideas.

This was a positive step for us. The 10 yr old is in counseling due to a very nasty divorce of her parents years ago and unfortunately her mom doesn't help the situation. FI takes her to counseling and they have apparently been discussing my role as not her mom but a strong female role model for me. Yeah for counseling. She knows that we have planned getting married but now we are able to discuss it (though she still won't know the date until right before since we are getting married while all on vacation). So counseling is really helping. In fact, she asked if I would take her to get her dad's Christmas present (her mom usually just buys something for her but I know she always wants to buy her own present). Those are huge moments. 

Avion22

That's good news:-)

Just a thought though....if she's been having issues, a surprise wedding might not be the best idea.    I had emotional issues growing up, and surprises were horrible.   I was one of those kids that needed time to to process information in order to deal with it without acting out.  

I guess if she knows you're getting married and just doesn't know when, then she'll probably be okay.  Especially since she sounds pretty positive about you two getting married:-)   It might be worth talking to her counselor about though.  

Sue-n-Kevin

 It might be worth talking to her counselor about though.  


I agree with this 100%. The counselor will have a good idea of what she may be able to handle as a "surprise". Your first paragraph sounds as though she wants to be involved in the planning, has a pretty good idea of how she may fit into the plans........then you talk about surprising her with the information. While some surprises are nice, I'm not sure I'd take her out of the picture on the planning process, as she may feel robbed if she can't "help'.

Some background: when I started dating my now husband over 4 years ago, my daughter was against our marriage for a looooooooonng time. Not because she didn't like Kevin, but because her dad married the wicked witch stepmother. She was afraid she would lose ME as a parent/person who looks out for her. She now considers Kevin to be more of a dad type person, because her dad is STILL married to this wicked witch, who interferes with her relationship with her dad.

So, while the circumstances are different than yours, if my daughter had not come around, or been excluded from the planning, she would have been pretty angry and resentful. And yes, she was my MOH. It felt right.

Good luck with your situation.

crazynlove2011

Thanks for the advice. I so wish we could include her in the actual date of the wedding but unfortunately every major event for the last two years that has been planned (her birthday party, every holiday-and I do mean EVERY holiday) has been messed with due to her mom being surprisingly out of town and can't make it back in time, refuses to send the little girl etc. Her mother was the one who called CPS on our family and note that when those accusations are alleged, all visitation (including any phone contact) is cut off until the charges are investigated and cleared through the court system. It took two months last year and yes, the accusations were all completely false but that tends to leave a bad taste about parties, etc because there was two big parties being planned with the little girl. She is a true little girl who gets excited about stuff and tells everything. Her mother has twice refused the father to see his daughter for more than a month-both of which ended up in court action. My FI is just too leary that if she gets wind of a wedding, the mother will conceive a way to prevent her daughter from being there. This is a woman who attempted to coerce her daughter to lie to CPS about all forms of abuse from her father, half brother and myself. She also has manipulated her daughter to get my number and text me revolting, nasty messages requiring a number change. So that is the mother we are dealing with-and note that she is 20 years older than me (I am 31) so it is not due to age.

I wish we could tell her the date but we can't risk the danger of her not being there. She already knows that there will be the wedding and know we are all going on vacation next summer. I guess this is something we will continue to work on with her counselor and see what her opinion is. Thanks everyone. 

Sue-n-Kevin

Understand perfectly. Thanks for the background info. I truly feel sorry for all of you. Good luck.