Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings

JessicaF09

Hi girls!  New to this board.  My name is Jessica, I'm in my 20's, and I'm happily married. 

My issue is the wedding we had... *deep breath in*  here goes.

My wedding did not go AT ALL as planned... I mean everything that couldve went wrong, did.  The only thing that worked was we actually got married!  lol  Which obviously was the goal, but I think we need a "re-do" of sorts. 

It was just a big mess... it's a long story, but I'll try and keep it short. Be prepared to laugh.

We (well, I. lol) had planned a simple garden ceremony right before my husband-to-be would deploy in August 2009. We hadn't really met each others families until the week before. I thought this wouldn't be an issue, as my family had taken it so well. My family is very easy-going, and they were happy about the wedding; his family wasn't as excited as I had thought. I hate even thinking about it, but at the rehearsal dinner, his father threw a cup of tea at him so hard that a cube of ice cut his eyelid. It's visible in our wedding pictures His father also wore wrangler jeans and didn't smile or say a word to us the entire day. It was awful. I still haven't forgiven him completely. The pictures aren't good (I had a friend gift them to us, so I can't really complain... they were free, and I love my dear friend, but I hadn't even really looked into getting a photographer, because right from the start she had offered.  Now I wish I had looked into it!); my hair was messed up through the pictures and no one bothered to tell me; the woman that was to do our vows showed up in an African-printed caftan and although we had opted for the traditional vows, she had basically written her own and it was the craziest-most-out-of-this-world-mumbo-jumbo that I was staring in disbelief, and couldn't choose whether to laugh or cry. She also mispronounced both our names throughout the whole ceremony, despite correcting her...
 
I wasn't a bridezilla at all... If anything, I was too lax. And I can't seem to get past it, so I really want to renew our vows and do things "right". Especially now that I'm friends with my in-laws, and they actually like me. I hope that makes sense. lol  

Do you think that's crazy... To have a second wedding with the same man?   Or are you for it?  And I'm not talking about waiting till our 10th anniversary.  I'm talking about maybe 2 years down the road.  Let me know what you think!

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arv266

I know its very hard to let some things go, but my advice is that you let this go.  Your wedding may not have been as flawless as you imagined, but as you stated "the most important" thing is that you married the man you love.  Is having your idea of the perfect wedding going to improve on that?  Is it going to make either one of you love each other more?  Try to focus on the things that you loved about your wedding day, and not the things that you don't.  If you are really upset about your pictures consider getting a few portraits of you and your husband done. 

You dont have to renew the entire day, and I personally don't think that is the right solution. 

MikesAngie

Once you are married there isn't a do-over.  Although there have been a few brides on TK that have done a second full on wedding to renew their vows - they usually have done it after being married 5 to 10 years and weathering some obstacles and a quickie JOP marriage.  I'm not saying that I totally agree with this, I think a vow renewal is nice when a marriage has worked through issues, or to celebrate a large anniversary but it's not a second wedding.  I did it with my xH after 5 very difficult years and it was just the minister that married us the first time, xH's best friend and his wife, and the xH and me.

right1thistime

I would suggest that you see a therapist to deal with your disappointment.  I think there is more underneath this than just the photos, hair, etc.  And I don't think that re-doing the day will give you what you are looking for. ~Donna

AdelphiTN

I think in light of what you've described, being disappointed is normal!  Your FIL should be ashamed!

You could indeed have a vow renewal, but I don't personally think that will give you what you feel is missing.  You can't get a re-do on FIL's behavior - it is what it is. Here's my advice - take a little beach or mountain trip with DH. Stand with no one around and just say what you feel. Have a pro photographer take your portrait then while you are glowing with emotion..

Oh and pack a sexy little printed caftan for later! You'll get a bit of closure, better bonding with hubby, a beautiful portrait, and a good laugh. I think if you can find humor and closeness from what happened, then your wedding and marriage will be successful.

LesPaul

Sorry, I think a do-over is a bad idea.  You need to let it go - you're married, and that was the purpose of the wedding ceremony (no matter how unhappy you are with it in hindsight).  I would personally side-eye any vow renewal that happened less than 10 years after the wedding.

JessicaF09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:cfb43e12-986a-4ac6-b96e-3a9529951bb9">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]I think in light of what you've described, being disappointed is normal!  Your FIL should be ashamed! You could indeed have a vow renewal, but I don't personally think that will give you what you feel is missing.  You can't get a re-do on FIL's behavior - it is what it is. Here's my advice - take a little beach or mountain trip with DH. Stand with no one around and just say what you feel. Have a pro photographer take your portrait then while you are glowing with emotion.. Oh and pack a sexy little printed caftan for later! You'll get a bit of closure, better bonding with hubby, a beautiful portrait, and a good laugh. I think if you can find humor and closeness from what happened, then your wedding and marriage will be successful.
Posted by AdelphiTN[/QUOTE]

Thank you!  I really like that idea.  Thats what I wanted in the first place...  a private beach wedding.  Just us and someone to officiate, and say our vows, look pretty and get some fabulous pictures.  DH is the one that wanted to have an actual wedding.  UGH.  And we live in Southern California now, so it's a great time to do it.   And it would be nice to be able to have closure and see the humor in it all.  Thank you for your advice ma'am :)

JessicaF09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:67350ae2-9282-4498-aac8-8db6f86896ef">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]I would suggest that you see a therapist to deal with your disappointment.  I think there is more underneath this than just the photos, hair, etc.  And I don't think that re-doing the day will give you what you are looking for. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

Donna, that might be a good idea. Lol  There honestly isn't anything else to it though... I just can't get over how badly the day went.  But thank you for your input.

JessicaF09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:848766ea-6beb-43fc-9f44-1249e217f007">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, I think a do-over is a bad idea.  You need to let it go - you're married, and that was the purpose of the wedding ceremony (no matter how unhappy you are with it in hindsight).  I would personally side-eye any vow renewal that happened less than 10 years after the wedding.
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]

That's okay, your opinion is your opinion.  And I really wish I could *snap my fingers* let it go, just like that.  But I can't.  Even if we did a vow renewal with just eachother, you would give me the side-eye? 

We're obviously not planning on asking for gifts. (Just thought I would add that, incase anyone was thinking otherwise)

MikesAngie

Jessica I really think that AdelphiTN's suggestion is great! She always seems to give great advice! If that will help you feel more connected to your DH go for it.

JessicaF09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:4700f99d-169b-4f09-aa30-e21d667693ac">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]Jessica I really think that AdelphiTN's suggestion is great! She always seems to give great advice! If that will help you feel more connected to your DH go for it.
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

I am really loving it!  Just what I needed.  Thank you so much AdelphiTN :)  Although, I'm not sure a caftan can EVER be sexy. hahaha  I think it would really be a great way to exchange real, meaningful vows with one another, and get past it all.

I am not at all exaggerating when I say those vows were horrid... I  think she got high before she showed up...  I remember something about "Jessica has been picked up and thrown into the dirt and rolled around a couple times..."  I wish I had a video.  I would so post it for you guys.   You would ROFL.  Moral of the story, get someone you really know and trust to do your vows! 

LesPaul

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:5327326e-567a-4792-92e6-c62fd284f5bb">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings : That's okay, your opinion is your opinion.  And I really wish I could *snap my fingers* let it go, just like that.  But I can't.  Even if we did a vow renewal with just eachother, you would give me the side-eye?  We're obviously not planning on asking for gifts. (Just thought I would add that, incase anyone was thinking otherwise)
Posted by JessicaF09[/QUOTE]

No, not if it were just the two of you.  What I would question is a big do-over vow renewal ceremony with a large audience, full reception, etc just 2 years after the wedding.  And I'm sorry you had such a bad experience - I can understand it's not that easy to just let it go.

JessicaF09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:86a6581c-ecad-4162-ae10-8f7bdcf1d399">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings : No, not if it were just the two of you.  What I would question is a big do-over vow renewal ceremony with a large audience, full reception, etc just 2 years after the wedding.  And I'm sorry you had such a bad experience - I can understand it's not that easy to just let it go.
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]

Oh okay.  Yeah, I can understand that.  I still may do a reception when we move back though.  And thank you for your sympathy.  It wasn't all bad of course... I still got married to my other half :)  He's probably the only reason I didn't run crying to the bathrom and stay there for a week.  lol

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hello-new-here-question-1-couple-2-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:fbfafd1d-424a-414a-8a58-dc67f9ca8801Post:51dc6dc4-8dcf-4dd5-a45d-7d3574f255c0">Re: Hello :) New here, and a question, 1 couple, 2 weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish I had a video.  I would so post it for you guys.   You would ROFL.  Moral of the story, get someone you really know and trust to do your vows! 
Posted by JessicaF09[/QUOTE]We actually have a "bloopers" video from our wedding--one of the benefits of having it done by an amateur.  LOL