2nd Wedding - No Kids - What to do with former spouse

jessicas517

My fiance and I were both married before. Neither of us have children with our previous spouses. He does not speak with his ex-wife (they are not on good terms), however, I occasionally speak to my ex-husband as we are still on good terms. I was curious if I should tell my ex-husband that I am getting married. We have mutual friends and I'm not sure what the etiquette for this subject is. Is a text message, facebook, or word of mouth appropriate? We don't talk on a regular basis, it's mostly random conversation about something we think the other would know (almost like phone a friend) and that is it. There's not friendship or small talk or anything. Not sure how to do this... figured I'd ask. Thanks in advance. :-)

handfast4me

Hmmm. I guess I would look at it this way:  if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you want to find out that your ex was getting married, or would you want to know at all?  I think that should be your guide.

I can't say what's best for you, but I did call my ex (we had spent 20 years together, and had a daughter together).  We don't talk a great deal, but I felt that because we were still "friends" in a sense, that it was a good idea to let him know.  But we were in a little different place than what you described.

If you feel comfortable doing that, and your FI is OK with it, I think a phone call is much better than a text or e-mail.   But truthfully, no one is going to arrest you if you don't tell him.  

right1thistime

I agree with Handfast.  If you would call him to ask him how much oil your lawnmower should have in it, a quick call to say, "Hey, I didn't want you to hear it any other way than directly from me, Fi and I are getting married in June" is an appropriate call.  Hopefully he'll wish you the best and you can say, thanks, talk to you later and that's the end of it.
Because I have kids with the xH, I wanted to be sure to tell him, and to not put the burden on the kids-- we were NOT on good terms (better now, thankfully) and I didn't want him to think he could pump them for info like it was some dirty little secret.  ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

I agree with the prior posters. DON'T do it on a social website like Facebook! I have seen horror stories on other boards about that.

Just pick up the phone and call him. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

shytownkelly

I have a "fun" story along these lines.

We got engaged on Christmas morning.  I went over to the ex's to pick up our daughters later in the morning.  While yes I was wearing the ring and we chit chatted while the oldest took her sweet time getting ready (teenagers!), I didn't bring it up.

I knew I was going to have to tell him, but Christmas day as I'm taking the kids to go spend time with my family, knowing he was going to stay home and watch football alone just didn't feel like the right time.  Ya know?

Well fast forward to the next day.  My mom posts on FB how excited she is about both of her kids (my brother is engaged as well) getting married in 2011... 

My ex is a friend of my Mom's on FB....

sooooooo

as I'm dropping the girls off at their dad's he brings it up before I can.  He's a classy guy and wished us nothing but happiness but I'm thinking I should have handled it a little better myself. 

Anywhooo - point is if you talk to him at all I'd give him a call.  Better to hear it straight from the source than to have it hit the rumor mill. 

Congrats!

jessicas517

Thanks for all the tips ladies! Greatly appreciated!

mustanggoonie

I'm kindof in the same situation...no kids but we still communicate primarily through email.  He is NOT my FB friend.
He doesn't know about the upcoming wedding.  It's really none of his business, but I'm thinking it might be good to tell him.  I don't know what to do either.

jessicas517

I've just decided to tell him. I figure that he's bound to find out eventually, whether it be through mutual friends, facebook, or whatever it may be. And I figure it's better to hear it from me than anywhere else. We still get along, we're not BFF's and I don't ever expect us to be. But, our marriage started and ended with respect, and I figure that the respect should carry out throughout whatever it is that we may have. lol. Knowing him, I'm sure he'll care as little as he always does, so I'll just get it over with. Like ripping off a bandaid.