Is this a second-time knottie thing, or is it just me?

daynalyntroy

While I don't often post on the other boards, I am a relatively avid lurker because I'm always curious what other brides are up to and if others have already asked questions I may have.  One phrase I run across constantly is, "If you do/dont' do _____, your guests will judge you harshly".  This is a mindset that I just cannot relate to and I'm not sure if it's due to a second-timer perspective.
 In planning this wedding as it relates to my guests, my concerns have been whether they will be comfortable, well fed, and having an overall good time helping us celebrate our marriage. Beyond that, I could give a sweet piece of pumpkin pie if someone judges me on minutae. 
Ladies, what are your thoughts?

Sue-n-Kevin

I have noticed the same thing you have. I think on this board everyone is pretty laid back, because it's either not their first wedding, or they are more mature and seen more of life.........

We were just talking about this on the Detroit board yesterday. Everyone there is SO nice (like here), so I have to think it's a matter of perspective. In the Detroit area we are often so lambasted in the press for our city, the troubles we've seen, etc, that we have a lot of compassion. I think the same is true here, when you've adjusted to being divorced, or having kids, or making a second or third marriage work, you tend to overlook the small details in life.

I avoid the boards that are snarky or have bullies. I don't have time in my life to read that type of drama, I'm too busy being happy.

right1thistime

Some of the perspective you talk about ("if you don't have a candy buffet...") is knot-generated.  Some is wedding industry- generated.  By making every possible detail a must-have, the vendors (and since the vendors support the site, the knot) hear the ka-ching in their sleep.  Some of it, in my opinion, is the voices of inexperience.  For many young women, their wedding is the first significant social event that they are planning.  And while they are often planning with the help and support of their mothers, being adolescents (up to age 25-ish) and post-adolescents, they look to a peer group to provide the rules.  And in an adolescent rule world, what the peer group proclaims is a must happen, hard and fast rule. Being different, making choices that make sense to your circumstance, and chosing your own path are challenging positions to take, and often harshly judged. 

Is it a second timer thing?  Well, I think that while its possible to get married and divorced during adolescence, its pretty hard to stay aligned with the adolescent peer group throughout the process.  And for some of us, adolesence is the problem for our children, rather than our own developmental stage.   And I do think that once you've had to decide to terminate a marriage, its hard to hold on to the belief that a world without pew bows is a world not worth living in. 

Judging weddings?  For me, I have been to pretty tacky weddings, by Knot standards.  Cash bar, cake smashing, dollar dancing, drunk grooms, arguing familes, you name it.  Mostly, I love and care about the people getting married, and accept the choices they made for their parties.  If I'm there and I don't like it- I can go home.  For the people I care less about (some of those weddings were xH's family!) well, I pretty much don't care.  The hungriest I ever left a wedding was a high end gourmet event, very classy, very expensive.  Notalotta food:  good food, just low volume.  The most fun I ever had probably had the cash bar, dollar dance and all the other thou shalt nots the Knot obsesses about. 

I think that we have all had to learn to accept that fairy tale wasnt exactly how out lives turned out.  Making good enough decisions works just fine.  ~Donna

Marrin713

We've been there, done that and usually have the scars to prove it.

Donna hit it on the head - most important (and first really BIG) social event of a young woman's life.  And generally speaking, they don't look to the parents for advice.  They want the advice from their peers who also don't have much in the way of experience.  So they turn to The Knot and other wedding boards with the "Must Do" and "Must Not Do" mentality.  And perfection seems to be the goal.

Ah well, can't blame someone for wanting everything to be perfect on their wedding day.

My huge shock is all this must-do stuff that has come about lately in weddings - candy bars, favors, etc.  Boggles the mind; at least mine

I suppose if I posted my plans on the etiquette board or one of the others, I'd be crucified.  Nothing tacky about it, just not that perfect wedding.

SheDiva4

[QUOTE]: And I do think that once you've had to decide to terminate a marriage, its hard to hold on to the belief that a world without pew bows is a world not worth living in.  Judging weddings?  Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

So true...  I've lurked this board for a while and only made a few post, I really like you guys!

daynalyntroy

I'm so glad I'm not the only one.   
A couple weeks back, I stumbled on a thread whose OP was a question about whether anyone had experience using clear address labels for invitations.  What followed was 4 PAGES of heated debate, and some of these girls were seriously freaking out.  The intensity was only a couple notches down from, "if you use address labels, your whole wedding will suck, your guests will hate you for life, the world will blow up and we'll all DIE!!!!"
In hindsight, I don't think I've ever attended a wedding where I passed judgement on a bride or groom.  I was too happy to be included in their special day.

right1thistime

ADDRESS LABELS????!!???  OH NO!

:::::::Faints nearly dead away:::::::::::................ . . . . . .  .  .    .     .    .    .      .        .           .         .            .

While I believe that etiquette would say  that you hand write your addresses, not laser jet print them, I don't think it will bring about the demise of mankind. LOL

2dBride

I remember talking to one of the managers of my reception venue.  Like many of my vendors, she was also a personal friend.  We were discussing chair covers. She said to me, "You know, if you invited all these people to come sit on a blanket on a concrete floor with you, with no food or drinks, just to celebrate your marriage, they would all be there and happy to do it."  I know that was true.  Indeed, one of the best parts of our wedding was having people around who cared about us and wanted to celebrate our getting married.

However, it seems like a lot of the younger/first-time brides aren't in that situation.  They talk of having been to ten or more weddings in the past year.  Often it seems like they have become totally jaded.  They will skip out on the ceremony altogether, and think of the reception as just a good place to go get drunk.  And the weddings become terribly competitive events, in which each one has to outdo the one before or be judged harshly by the attendees.

When I'm not busy trying to knock some sense into their heads, I am actually sorry for these brides.  They are having what is probably the most important event in their young lives.  Yet instead of assuming that their friends will be happy for them, they assume that the slightest misstep will make them the butt of nasty gossip among all their friends.

Just don't tell any of them that we printed our envelopes with our Laserjet!

M&Mf4me

TO be honest maturity has made me care less about how people view the details of THINGS, and more of how people view the PEOPLE.   I have learned ultimately it is people not things that make or break a situation.   

Personally I am having a "wedding" for my children's passage into a family, not as a "show".  It will be a simple party to celebrate what we have waited for for so long.

I too find the boards a bit "shallow" as to details, I am personally wondering where the "marriage" and issues with emotional preparedness are??? Don't  think you will find them here, or on any wedding website sponsored by any group that is "industry driven" as someone else pointed out.

Shell

melissamc2

Haha, yes.  I think much the same when reading some boards.

I care if my fiance and I have a wedding that we like.
I care if our family is happy and at ease.
I care if our friends have a nice time.

Beyond that - it'll be what we like, how we like it.  I KNOW we'll be judged for some of it and that's something I am perfectly ok with.  If anyone truly hates something, the exit doors will be clearly marked and they can be on their way.  I may even have the DJ point that out.

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-second-time-knottie-thing-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fcd661f5-6cd8-480d-8141-8a700435b089Post:992b1f36-d827-425c-b2d3-1fbbc55e2ea6">Re: Is this a second-time knottie thing, or is it just me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Haha, yes.  I think much the same when reading some boards. I care if my fiance and I have a wedding that we like. I care if our family is happy and at ease. I care if our friends have a nice time. Beyond that - it'll be what we like, how we like it.  I KNOW we'll be judged for some of it and that's something I am perfectly ok with.  If anyone truly hates something, the exit doors will be clearly marked and they can be on their way.  I may even have the DJ point that out. :)
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

"exit doors clearly marked" - - love it!

deepcovejackie

I love the exit door thing too!  Yeah, the other boards can be a bit....scary.  I stopped posting altogether for a few weeks, as I was really starting to get worried about some of the women on the other boards bullying others.  Like, chasing them around the boards to say mean things, and criticizing everyone with any kind of different idea.  I'm back now, and I'll post where I'm comfortable and where it's postive.

I'm so lucky because in my life, my guests would sit on a concrete floor and they would celebrate me my FI and I and "our" kids.  They understand that we're different, and that doesn't make it any less special.

Really?  Labels on envelopes?  Really? ((clutches pearls)).

deepcovejackie

ps --Daynalynntroy--I'm trying (not very well) to say it's not just you!   And my birth name is Dayna too!  It got changed to Jackie when I was adopted.

Albireo

Geez, thank you for saying this. Can I hang out on this board even though it's my first (and I hope only) wedding? :P

I'm 32, I've lived a bit and I don't have time or energy for drama. I am not a princess. I want to talk about this stuff with grownups.

laurelt20

i like this board so much better than the other ones as well.  posted about a female attendant on my husband's side, and was crucified for the nature of my wedding.  we were married by the JOP last fall and are having a big family wedding this fall.  apparently even though we are using all the traditions in a wedding, i am not allowed to call my vow renewal a wedding.  i was venting and asking for advice on what a female groomsman should wear... not asking for critique on my life decisions.

Marrin713

Give us your tired and your poor..............JK 

Come hang with us!
 

The faux pas that I made with my first wedding in the late 70's would have caused some of the modern brides to poop in their Spanx, but know what?  We did the best we could with info we had at the time.  We all lived through it.  The guests were happy, we were happy, and a good time was had by all.

The internet - too much info in some cases.  And then the anonimity of it all allows people to say what they want and not consider the consequences.  That includes rudeness, lies, bullying etc.

Ah well, it is what it is.  <---- that's me being Zen when I am usually a nervous wreck

deepcovejackie

Wecome Albireo!  (pulls up chair) Join us.  Laurel I think a female groomsman should wear whatever you and she wants.  I don't think it has to be any different than the bridesmaids attire, and I don't think it has to be a pantsuit or anything...

wendyjoy182

I am in total agreement with you 2nd time knotties.  I think it's a combo of sorts...but mainly because we've seen that the most important thing is the man you're marrying not the color of the escort cards, the centering of the menu, etc...I always try to post a clear perspective on my town board and rarely is there a reply after I say my two cents of a dose of reality.  I also rarely get relies on my posts...oh well.  I love it here though.  Happy Friday knotties!!!!

christy29322

I'm so glad I found you ladies! Our wedding is one year from today. This is my 2nd wedding, FI's first. I'm not stressing over it nearly as much as the first one. I'm letting FI have whatever he wants (but we pretty much want the same things anyway), because the wedding is for him & his family (I'd rather elope!).
I've been lurking on the boards for a year, & I'm a little intimidated by the judgemental attitudes of some of the posters. So I mainly just read!
Just the other day I told some family members, "I have no desire to be a princess on my wedding day, I just want everyone to have a good time & be happy for us." Boy, did I get some looks! 
Anyway, I'm already the queen, so why would I want to be demoted to princess?

deepcovejackie

Ha ha Christy, funny about your queen comment!  Wendyjoy, are you having a DW?

wendyjoy182

Deepcovejackie- yes I'm having a destination wedding in Florida (where I'm from) to keep it cheaper and smaller and more light hearted.  You??

deepcovejackie

Viva Mexico for me!!  Having fun planning.  Mine will exactly be light-hearted and fun.  We're renting a house on the beach and having everyone there and getting a Mexican buffet done.

daynalyntroy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-second-time-knottie-thing-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:fcd661f5-6cd8-480d-8141-8a700435b089Post:b2cb4783-d03c-4bc3-bfb0-8dd7e0180aea">Re: Is this a second-time knottie thing, or is it just me?</a>:
[QUOTE] I've lived a bit and I don't have time or energy for drama. I am not a princess. I want to talk about this stuff with grownups.
Posted by Albireo[/QUOTE]

Amen, sister, and welcome!  I love the ladies on this board.  Everyone's supportive, helpful, positive and manages to offer alternate perspectives without hurling Jr. High insults.  I think the grown-up brides (second time or not) understand that this is about celebrating a union, not about re-creating a glorified cotillion with a singular debutante.  Our weddings don't have to be "perfect" and the details don't have to be precisely by the book.  They just have to be conducive to us.

deepcovejackie

What?  No cotillion?  :  )

willowprincess

i'm a first timer, but i admit, i sometimes read posts just to see how riled people get. i understand that there are etiquette rules and that they are there for a reason, but i don't think it's the end of the world if everythings not perfect. and i can't stand the name-calling and other bashing that goes on.
we are trying to be considerate of our guests (such as picking cake flavors that i think majority of people will like) but i had no problem asking one of my BMs to throw me a shower. we have that kind of relationship (i know she'd have no problem asking me to do the same) and i also knew my friends would be more relaxed at a shower just for friends than one will all my family. but i wouldn't dare post that anywhere else.
and honestly, the people who are coming are the ones who are simply going to be excited that we are getting married and happy to celebrate it with us. i always thought that's what it was all about.
so nice to find a board full of adults.

elizabethm4

Oh my gosh I'm so glad I decided to read this post! I'm a young, first time bride and I admit that I allow myself to get caught up in the drama sometimes. I even got really upset reading some of the other boards recently because of my situation (Army, JOP wedding, now planning a big celebration). Apparently some people have the opinion that it's rude to throw a party after the fact, not taking into consideration that my husband and I aren't living together, haven't seen each other much in the last year, and want to have a Christian ceremony, plus a party to celebrate with our friends and family before we enter into "real" married life (read:actually being together). I even read a post that said that people who do this are selfish and money hungry.... My husband actually had to remind me over Skype the other day that none of our friends and family think its rude, in fact they're all really excited about it.

My husband is in Iraq right now and that has forced me to be super laid back in the planning process, because things could change at any time. Plus, things that may have been important to me just seem trivial now, I have bigger problems. It's nice to be reminded that there are people out there who are more tolerant and understanding, and who keep things in perspective like I'm sort of forced to do.

Thanks!

thealphabride

cyber bullying is alive and well on theknot.com

just stay away from those boards, the women are nothing more than the cyber bullies in middle school.

I have read the knot boards for a long time, I have done exact;ly what I want to do for our wedding and don't buy into anything, but get regular chuckles from the stories of wedding drama. I read them for the entertainment value and regularly think to myself  'see you in a few years, when you are divorced a nd on second weddings'....

This board rocks.
 

adrianzbride

I agree...  This is a great board.  I can't believe the things people get worked up about on some other boards, and how cruel and harsh they can be.  Yikes. 

I'm glad I found you all!

robinmichael

Hey ladies! It's my third time, glad we're not judging here I'd be crucified in ettiquette for even having a third probably lol. I also don't feel the pressures I did when I was younger. I can't wait to have a fun party with my closest friends and family to celebrate my "third times a charm" union. I plan to not try to conform to anyone's ideals and make our wedding about what is most important. Family. Without it what is the point? At the end of your "pretty pretty princess day" you will have alienated those who are supposed to mean the most to you by acting like a bridezilla. You've never been perfect before, why start now?!

daynalyntroy

  It's obnoxious enough when brides get SO worked up over disapproving of each others' choices in details, but for any one of us to pass judgement on anothers' life choices is just beyond rude.  Personally, I'm disinclined to pay attention to any lectures on wedding etiquette from rude, obnoxious people (ooh, I guess I just made a judgement.  My bad ).

Laurel and Elizabeth, good for you for wanting to throw celebrations that include your loved ones, and Elizabeth, tell your DH thank you for serving this country.
Robin, I love the "3rd time's the charm!"  My parents have been married for 30 years, and the 3rd time was the charm for my dad, too!  Kudos for being brave enough and believing in love enough to give it another go. 

elizabethm4

Thanks Dayna

And Robin- my parents are also a product of the "third times a charm" marriage, and I think it's been about 34 years! Congratulations