Kids at wedding receptions

Marrin713

As I cruise the boards, I am astounded by all the posts about guests totally ignoring the requests for "no children" or "adults only" or refusing to come if their children are not welcome.

When my son was a child and a wedding came up, xH and I gleefully booked a sitter and had ourselves a childless evening.  I don't get this current trend of children having to be welcome anywhere the parents go.  At times, it's unavoidable but a wedding?  Come on....plenty of time is given to get a sitter.

What say you?

[Deleted User]

I can't explain this attitude either on the part of today's young parents.  I am now going to enjoy venting a little on this subject. 

A couple of weeks ago I took my new husband out to dinner for his birthday.  We went to a five star restaurant with a price tag in the stratosphere.  I looked over at the next table, and there was a baby.  Fortunately the baby was quiet, but, if that baby had made one sound, I would have been complaining to management.  I'm very fond of babies - I work in a pediatric hospital - but I'm not paying hundreds of dollars for a special evening out with my husband to listen to someone's baby scream.  OK, I'm done.

2dBride

The only thing I would caution is that if you have out of town guests with children--and especially out of town guests with nursing babies--excluding their children may well result in excluding them.  It's one thing to get a sitter for an evening.  It is quite a different thing either to get a sitter for an entire weekend and leave the kids at home, or try to find a babysitter in a place where you don't normally live and then leave your kids with a stranger in a strange place.

However, this is most certainly not just an issue for "today's young parents."  When I got married the first time (in 1977), I already knew that excluding children would be an issue.  The one difference between then and now was that in those days, most children attended church regularly, and thus had a better idea of how to behave during the ceremony.

Marrin713

I see the posts too about breastfeeding babies and infants getting a pass, but really?  Breast milk can be expressed and bottled so gma or gpa or some other trusted person in your life can watch the baby for a couple of hours.  I guess I just don't get why someone would want to lug baby/toddler and all their paraphenalia to a wedding, especially when you know it's an adults only event.  But then I have the maternal instincts of a spider, so there's that.

Marrin713

Out of towners......I dunno.  If I were the parent getting an adults only invite for an out of town wedding and I had small kids, I would probably decline if I could not come to arrangements I was comfortable with.  I certainly woulnd't put the pressure on the B & G to make an exception for me.

True story about kids in restaurants:  H and I stopped at small micro brewery type place for a quick dinner before we went to an appetizer only wedding reception on NYE.  It was early so restaurant was not crowded, but yet we were seated right next to a big party with two children - one about 3 years old and the other an infant.  Infant spent much time looking over her gma's shoulder at us and was utterly charming the shirts off of H and myself.  I looked at H and said wistfully, "I wish my eggs and your sperm weren't so fvcking old sometimes.............."  Then the 3 year old started putting ketchup into her hair...........

blush64

I am glad that my famly doesn't feel the way most of the people here do. In my famly babies under one have always been allowed to come at the descretion of the parents. Breast milk can be expressed but this isn't in all cases. Some babies have had a hard time nursing and aren't supposed to use a bottle right away. I was told not to use a bottle until nursing was well under way. My kids never took a bottle at all. So expressing the milk wouldn't get them fed.

I certainly think people should respect the wishes of the couple getting married. I would never have brought my kids anywhere they were not invited and I would not have made a big deal out of not being able to go because I couldn't or wouldn't leave them for that long as babies.

I have two children and they have been in restaurants. Most times they were good. Sometimes they weren't. I paid just as much or more than that couple next to me giving the dirty looks so they can go ahead and complain. I have every right to be there and will make sure my server is well paid for his/her service. People with babies and kids deserve a good dinner too, they don't all belong in Mcdonalds.

My kids are older now but when I see/hear babies while out with my FI I smile and deal with it. If it gets that bad I remind myself of how it was and how it will be when I start all over.

I don't get why there's this war. And don't blame the 'young parents' of today. It's always been. Don't bring kids who aren't invited. Don't ask for them to be invited. And people without kids, try to be more understanding.

shytownkelly

Blush64 - I get what you're saying about I paid just as much as you did, but gosh there are just times and places small kids really don't NEED to be there.  I agree they don't have to go to McDonald's (shudder!) - but they also don't need to be in a 5 star restaurant.

And I have kids.  They are teenagers now - but I still don't take them to ultra fancy places. 

We went to my cousin's wedding a few years ago (same one Dad wanted to dance to AC/DC with me...) - and the inviatiations specifically were for me and ex H.  We arranged for sitter and had a lovely time.  One of the other cousins brought her 6 year old.  When she asked where my kids were - I looked right at her and said "they weren't on the invite - I assumed this was a no kid wedding?"  We then had to squeeze another place in at the table for her kid.

It never occured to her to leave the kid with a sitter.

MikesAngie

At this juncture in our lives there aren't many babies and toddlers in our family.  We did invite the kids that we are related too.  So far the parents that are coming have accepted just for the adults and are leaving the kids with supervision or sitters.  We have more teenagers in our family than not, and I think a lot of parents are wanting a night or two to themselves.

I think having an adults only wedding or not is entirely up to the bride and groom. 

I love seeing little ones in family restuarants, but when I am in an upscale intimate restaurant that screams adults only - I kind of prefer it that way.

Case in point my FI and I have a favorite small intimate restuarant (adults only) that we don't frequent that often because we have a teenager and she doesn't give us much time off.  We do however go to another restaurant that is just as small but more family oriented and of course we take her.

rapunnzzll

I don't get parents that can't leave their children for a nice evening either.

When parents are out with their children, if the children are disrupting other guest at a restaurant, then it's time for them to take the child out of the situation until they calm down.  Yes the parents are paying, but when it creates such a ruckess that others can't enjoy what they are spending their money on, it's time to do something.  There are definitely restaurants that children shouldn't be taken too.

I have a question for you ladies.  We have been told that some of FI cousins are coming to the wedding that I haven't met.  Some do have younger children.  What are your opinions on hiring a sitter for them?  I'm hoping my niece will not expect to bring her two, but will cross that bridge when I come to it.  There is a sitter service that brings everything needed with the exception of food.  Opinions? TIA.

Sue-n-Kevin

For some reason, the issue of "kids" gets a lot of attention.

Apart from weddings, in workplaces it ends up being "people with kids stay home when their kids are sick or school is closed due to weather.....or never stay late to work because they have to get their kids....when do SINGLE people get that special treatment? " In my long working life of over 30 years, I've been on both sides and never resented either side.

When I was growing up, kids were always invited in our families, both sides. It was just that way in our families. Recently I was invited to my cousin's daughter's wedding out of town, and the invite was just for my fiance and myself, no kids, and although my daughter is 16, I wasn't offended.

But, because of age, I'm in the boat with Angie, there are very few kids other than my fiance's grandkids, and one nephew with a toddler. My cousins in CA have kids in the pre-teen/youth age groups, and I'm inviting all the kids for both sides. However, I doubt my CA cousins will come as it's too expensive to fly everyone, and fiance's grandkids and great-nephew will be there. I'm also not inviting my adult friend's kids, who are ADULTS, because it's a closer circle of just friends and family.

It's a tough call all around, but knowing the cost of wedding meals, I totally get why brides and grooms want to exclude kids. In our case it's not an issue for us.

AbbeyS2011

Sue-n-Kevin:  I have to agree with you about the workplace comment.  How is it "special" to have to stay home with a child that is vomiting every 2 minutes, has a raging fever, and an idiot doc you cant get in to see them that day because he will not cancel his golf game?  Or having to bundle up your sick child so you can go to the store to get them something to help them sleep/stop coughing/vomiting, etc. Not to mention either using up a vacation day or losing 8 hours of wages (which is a chunk) because you have to call in. 

Ok, I am done with that part of it.

I am very OK with kids at weddings.  In my family, weddings have always been a family oriented event, and kids have always been welcome.  On the same note, when I have received and invite that was just addressed to exH and I, we found a sitter for that evening because he did not normally take me out so I grasped at straws whenever I could to feel like an adult again, not just a mommy with a baby on her shoulder. 

right1thistime

I think that there is a movement today (to address the young parents today objection) that suggests that parents should totally devote their life to their children.   Now, maybe that movement isn't new, but I certainly never heard of it when I had young kids.  I breast fed both of my kids (as an RN, I never used the term nursed for breast feeding) and other than the first couple of weeks, when the infant can have some nipple confusion, pumping and (someone else) feeding was a salvation.  In the first couple weeks post birth, I doubt I would feel like attending a wedding anyway (although I did attend a funeral the day I brought DS home-- dragged his tiny lil butt along with me).  But there are a whole lotta folks out there who never get a sitter, never ask anyone but family to watch their kids (heck - I would try to pick up teenagers at the mall to babysit-- not really but close) and believe that the whole world should adjust for them.
A friend's mother had a saying, "you're all right, the world's all wrong".  There's many people who believe that when it comes to their kids. 

To the restaurant point, when DD was about 6 months old, xH and I went on vacation to Cape Cod.  We were out one evening looking for a restaurant that was kid friendly, and came up with nothing.  No fast food, no pub style places that weren't out and out bars, no burger joints.  (it was off season, so lots of the usual places were closed).  We finally got seated at the only place we found, which turned out to be a fairly nice (but not posh) restaurant.  By the time our food reached the table (DD was still eating baby food and had already been fed) DD had reached her melting point and started screaming.  While we waited for the check and the boxes to take our food to go, xH grabbed her and left the restaurant.  All in all her screaming amounted to maybe 5 minutes.  A couple spent trying to console her, and the rest reapplying the torture devices (also known as her jacket and hat) and getting the diaper bag and keys into his hands.  During these efforts, the tsking and sighing around us were deafening.  One woman loudly exclaimed, "I don't know why ANYONE would take a baby that age out to a restaurant."  It was my younger days, so I slugged down my wine, boxed & bagged the meals, paid the bill and left.  Today I would have given her a piece of my mind.   It was clear from the moment she started that we were doing everything possbile to make it stop and not bother the other diners. 

I give a pass to parents with kids who are working to stop the annoyance.  The ones who get the stink eye from me are the ones who either ignore it or merely say, "Susie, stop now" and that's the best they can do.  ~Donna

Marrin713

My point was why do guests ignore the wishes of the B & G?  I read post after post of some guests feeling that they should be the exception and the B &G should accommodate.  I don't get it - why would you want to bring a child when you can have an evening out?

<sigh /> I just remember those olden golden days when babysitter was bought and paid for and out we went to trip the light fantastic.

shytownkelly

I think it goes back to the parenting trends.

The people that go against a B&G's wishes and bring their kids, also are the type that will call their kids' colleges to talk to professers/deans about their grades or possible employers as a follow-up on job interviews.

I also think there is a general decline in overall ettiquitte 'training' so people just don't realize how bad it truly is. 

And the reason people post about it here so much is because NO one like confrontation - and to make the call that says "hey ya big dummy your kids aren't invited" is not going to be something people want to make.  (even if they word it nicely too! ) 

My kids pointed out to me that they haven't been to any weddings - that they remember.  Ours in June will be the first one.  I guess I like the idea of a night out! 

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_kids-wedding-receptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ff1a46c6-89dc-4fcc-aa68-eb9fb27c5747Post:abcad4ab-6c53-4c38-8531-f6f4fdaf859f">Re: Kids at wedding receptions</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think it goes back to the parenting trends. The people that go against a B&G's wishes and bring their kids, also are the type that will call their kids' colleges to talk to professers/deans about their grades or possible employers as a follow-up on job interviews.</strong> I also think there is a general decline in overall ettiquitte 'training' so people just don't realize how bad it truly is.  And the reason people post about it here so much is because NO one like confrontation - and to make the call that says "hey ya big dummy your kids aren't invited" is not going to be something people want to make.  (even if they word it nicely too! )  My kids pointed out to me that they haven't been to any weddings - that they remember.  Ours in June will be the first one.  I guess I like the idea of a night out! 
Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

Helicopter parents in training?  Seriously, I think you're right about trends in parenting.  I suppose to the younger generation we must sound like dreadful parents because we'd round up a babysitter and leave poor urchins at home whilst mummy and dad go getting up to adult shenanigans.

My son was at only one wedding while young and he was a ring bearer and whisked away by the babysitters after the pictures.  I'm sure he preferred the chicken McNuggets to whatever it was that we were served at the reception.

blush64

I completely agree that if a wedding is adults only then the guests should abide by that.

I preferred not to leave my kids with anyone and they turned out great. It's my choice as it is the choice of every parent. I hated people telling me to leave them for a night, I will when I want to. I DO NOT live through my kids. I think there is a big difference between not wanting to leave a baby for a night and living thorugh your kids.

A night off if fine and helathy if you WANT it. Not because other people think you should go somewhere. Experienced or not. I am more surprised that people seem mad that parents would choose to stay home with a baby than I am at the people who think they should bring their babies everywhere.
 
Why not just say to each their own as far as leaving kids or not wanting to as long as well all remember DON'T bring uninvited guests no matter how old.(or how young)

mattsdorothy

I think that the main reason wedding guests ignore the wishes of the bride and groom and bring their children is because narcissism has overtaken society. I can say that I have some friends with children that would get a wedding invitation addressed to Mr and Mrs X and honestly assume that the invite included their children - because people are so self-absorbed. "Why would B & G NOT want my adorable entertaining perfect well-behaved above-the-99th-percentile-in-development toddler at their wedding??" It's unfathomable to some people why their friends may not think their little one is as cute as they do.

I got left with a sitter a lot.

MikesAngie

I guess to the more experienced crowd leaving the kids home for a night with a qualified sitter is something we would do and see nothing wrong with it.  Some though who live their lives through their kids would beg to differ. 

Unfortunately marriage counselors would be the first to tell the overly kid devoted parents that they actually need adult couple time away from the children as to not loose touch with why they are a couple.

Marrin713

Ang - my mom used to say that after our kid grew up and went his own way, I'd better have a good relationship with D (xH) because it would just be the two of us.  Look how that turned out.  But it's true, you can't get so overly involved with the kids that it leaves the other spouse wondering what his/her number is in the household pecking order.  Kids grow up and are involved all the time with friends and other activities and then there the two of you are sitting and staring at each other.

Dorothy - I know a couple like that; even now that their kids are older, they assume that wither thou goest, so goest the kids.  Maybe there's dynamics in the family that I don't know about so I can't really judge.

handfast4me

Funny--a couple of years ago there was a similar debate on one of the other boards--maybe customs and Traditions.  Anyway, I was the only one who was in the "adults only is OK" camp--everyone else was firmly on the other side.  They didn't think that there should be adult only weddings at all!!!    I understand the concept of a family event.  What I don't get is the thought that for infants, and kids under 4 or 5, why this is important for them to attend?  They won't remember it.  I also see weddings as a serious occasion--not that they should be like funerals--but that this is the joining of two lives, so it makes no sense to me to have children present at a LEGAL event.  But then of course, I come at it from a different viewpoint because a couple of the Handfastings I've been to were skyclad, which is totally inappropriate for children. 

thealphabride

I have so much to say, but I'll keep at our wedding. My friends don't have small children. It was an adults only wedding except for our teens and my niece and nephew who are teens. Our wedding was very family oriented BUT our kids are older we didn't have flower girl or ring bearer, because I don't have anyone close to me that has kids that young, and I didn't really care..........That was it except for the below::::::::::

When growing up we spent every weekend and many evenings with my favorite Aunt and Uncle and their 2 kids, my cousins, that were a bit younger than us. They moved to Louisianna about 20 years ago but we remained very close and visit all the time.

My 2 cousins had 2 kids each. Well, one daughter from each cousin at age 20 had a baby out of wedlock. One baby was 4 months old and one 9 months old at the time of our wedding.

The WHOLE family attended, how could they miss it? They were my only OOT guests, except my friend Kati from Charlotte NC, who I worked with for years and was a good friend.

So 9 adults, 2 babies, 2 pack and plays, 2 car seats, 2 strollers, 2 high chairs, (yes you read that right) boxes and boxes and boxes of supplies and 15 large pieces of luggage flew in from LA for our wedding for 5 days.

They rented 2 vans and that wasn't even enough room for everyone, I had to go to the airport to help schlep them all the "stuff" to the hotel. They had to stay in a hotel, because we just couldn't accomodate all of them, and all the baby stuff.

My sisters and I were kind of mad because this wedding wasn't about these babies!!!. We kept saying (between ourselves) that this is my wedding I have waited a very long time for and this wedding is about me and my new husband and not about these babies.

OK that lasted about a minute. They were soooooo cute and cuddly and well behaved. We were in love the minute we saw them. The moms were so good with them and such good moms! They were very quiet, neither of them made a peep at the wedding or reception. Each of the moms requested an end seat on the outside ilse and had each baby in a stroller next to them ready to take out if they started crying. The were perfect, didn't make a peep during our wedding.

They were perfect little angels the whole visit!!! No fussing, no crying, just happy babies. I was impressed!

fireytiger

I personally don't mind children being at my wedding. Then again, my wedding is going to be non-alcoholic anyway.

I've been to some weddings of friends or family growing up, and to be honest, the only ones I truly remember much about were the ones I went to when I was 10 or older. My aunt's wedding was when I was 8, and there are only like 4 or 5 things I remember about it. I remember us having a hard time finding me a pretty (and appropriate) dress in August. I remember it was outside. I remember the bouquet toss (because she threw it too far and it landed near my feet instead of in the hands of the ladies, so I picked it up. That caused chaos lol). I remember they played "the Married with Children theme song", and I remember she had a balloon arch. That's about it. lol I don't remember their vows, I don't remember her walking down the aisle, nothing. So yeah, I can see why folks would question "why even bother bringing the kids if they won't remember it?" and i'm sure I probably wasn't on my best behavior the entire night because I was always hyperactive, so again, I can see why one would want that.

The only time I found it irritating to see someone not invite children, was at a friend's recent wedding. She made a BIG THING about the no kids rule. Told EVERYONE about it, including those of us who didn't have kids (me and FI). And then, after all of that, she had two flowergirls and a ringbearer, who all were probably about 3 years old, and were all obnoxious beyond words the whole night. I mean, if you want kids at the wedding, invite them all. If you don't want kids, don't have them. But don't tell people (including several who had to travel from out of state) that they can't bring their kids, and then have three of them who were part of your wedding, causing havoc. It seems to defeat the purpose.

Marrin713

The recent wedding we attended on NYE's had 2 nieces and 1 nephew as the ringbearer/flowergirl.  They stayed at reception for apprx. 1/2 hr before being taken home by a babysitter.

I feel you can have a no kids reception and still have the little ones in the wedding party, but then NOT at the reception.  If you are going to tell your guests no children, then you must abide by that rule yourself.  <--- ooh, I sound all tough, don't I?

fireytiger

I just thought it was silly to go on and on like she was, and then still have the flower girls and ring bearer who caused chaos. I'm just thinking, so many of your guests came from out of town, and several of them had children. She had NUMEROUS arguments with family and friends who wanted to be there, but had kids and couldn't leave them halfway across the country with a sitter for at least two days, while they attended her wedding. And then after all of that, to have the rambunctious kids just because of a "wedding image"... I dunno.

Also, just my opinion, but I don't see people in the wedding party as props, no matter how young they are. If you're going to have the "no kids" rule, then you shouldn't be having flower girls and ring bearers, and then sending them home after the ceremony because they're no longer needed. It just sits wrong with me.

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_kids-wedding-receptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:ff1a46c6-89dc-4fcc-aa68-eb9fb27c5747Post:b0e08bd0-2e4b-4943-b37b-2c566641f157">Re: Kids at wedding receptions</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree that an evening reception, with alcohol served, is an appropriate venue for children.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]Honestly, it can be, especially for a baby.  I took my son to my sister's wedding.  He was young enough so that he did not need food, since he was still breastfeeding exclusively.  Although there was alcohol, I did not drink it since a) I was breastfeeding, and b) I couldn't be drunk and taking care of a baby.  However, he slept under our table for most of the reception, in spite of the two mariachi bands playing.  He wasn't missing any sleep, and wasn't even aware of the alcohol around him.  I fail to see how this was inappropriate for him.

I would never take a baby or child to a wedding to which s/he was not invited.  And if the baby started disrupting the ceremony or reception, I would remove him/her immediately.   But I also object to being told that I'm a bad parent for taking my child to a wedding to which he <em>was</em> invited.

Lisa50

I love babysitters.  That's what I say.  

We did not dare take our child along (back in the days he was portable) unless he was invited.  It has been a while -- he is now 17 -- but I completely understand there are multiple reasons for not including children on invitations.  And ... I do not feel the need for an explanation.  Ever.

As for our upcoming wedding, there are exactly 8 children invited, 6 of whom will not attend.  We drew the line at family, so no friends' children are invited.  As it turns out, the 2 who will attend are ages 12 and 14, respectively -- old enough to know how to behave in public and thrilled to attend a "grown up" evening out.

awayagain

I attended a number of weddings when my son was an infant and toddler.  Even if he was invited, I got a sitter.  I wanted a break!  Then I would watch all the other sucker parents chasing their kids around the reception, or calming them down from crying, or just having to sit their and jiggle them to keep them quiet. No thank you!
As for restaurants - here's a good one - we were at a restaurant that, while not 5 star, was not really kid friendly - historic building in an historic town, candles, fireplace - you know the type of place I mean.  The toddler at the next table didn't feel like eating anymore and started kicking up a fuss, then started crying so much she ended up vomiting all over her plate.  Really made things pleasant for the rest of the adult diners in the room. Luckily, they hadn't brought a change of clothing with them so they got up and left.   Management was smart, though - everybody who wasn't those people and their brat got a free dessert!

right1thistime

As far as our wedding was concerned, we had my teens there (14 & 16), and since we had a fairly small guest list, invited all the children of  the guests.  The youngest was my brother's son who was 5.  He and his 9 yr old brother stayed home, and his parents had a lovely weekend away.  All the other children came (mostly teens).  Since DH & I had a sweetheart table, we sat all the teens at a teen table.  The servers knew that there was to be special snacks on the table, pitchers of soda, NO alcohol served.  We did have a children's option on our menu (chicken fingers) but I think only one family chose it.  The kids LOVED it.  There was minor (and easily overlooked) shenanigans at the table (just fooling around) and it allowed the adults to enjoy the other guests at their table.  One couple kept their kids at their table (we set it up so that the kids could be seated either place) for the meal, then sent them off to the teen table for the reception. 

Our philosophy was that we are a family with children, and most of our friends were as well.  We chose to design our event to incorporate them.  The age of the kids and time of the wedding made that easy to do. ~Donna

debnchris

Im having the same issue
Granted my children will be there for the ceremony and part of the reception no other kids are invited and I am floored at the tude I'm getting on that -- my kids are IN my wedding and a small part of the ceremony will include them. If I was attending an evening wedding---or any wedding I would get a sitter...period
Close friends/family havent complained at all and have made babysitting arraingements for the cihildren but a few on FI side are making an issue of it--- I'm almost expecting to see a couple uninvited little guests that day (seriously)