Difficult Step-Mom

YoungMissJones

My step-mom is going to prove to be more than a challenge for my wedding plans so any knotties who have any thoughts or tips please respond, here's where she is going to be trouble:

1) She hates my mother though they have never met face to face. (My mom left my dad nearly 10 years ago you would think she would be over it as my own mom is)

2) She is a huge drama queen and I fear she may become a mom-zilla! At some point I know she'll find a way to get the spotlight taken off me and my future husband on the day. She's even mentioned that she prefers wearing white to formal occasions!

3) She manages to find a way to spoil the fun by dragging her own sorrows into conversation. An example would be if we were talking about my fiance's family she'll remind us in no uncertain fashion that she no longer has any as her dad is in a mental insitiution for Dementia and her mom died three years ago. Oh, and she never allowed me to meet either of them when they were healthy.

4) She doesn't see me as her daughter. She speaks to me in a tolerating tone pretty much all the time. Whenever something extra wonderful happens she either says I am lying (which is so childish) or she'll bring the spotlight onto herself again. When we broke the news to her and my dad we expected Dad to freak. Instead he burst into joyful tears and hugged us both, she merely remarked that we were too young for such things. I wasn't even invited to the wedding when she married my dad. They only had two other people there, their neighbours. That's right, their nieghbours. Every parent I have told this to has said my father should be ashamed. But I dont blame him, he's just crushing his own wishes to make her feel better.

I've just started planning and already I've come to my first hurdle with my fiance's family wishing to throw us a massive engagement party to let both sides get to know each other.
If anyone has been through a similar situation please let me know how you handled it!
Love from Scotland!
MissJ

Maggie0829

Is your Step-Mom paying for anything in regards to your wedding?  If not, then I would ignore her and her crazy ways completely.  If at any pre-wedding or wedding day events she acts crazy or wears white or trys to bring the spotlight on her, then she will look bad not you.

Honestly, I know that she is your Dad's wife, but as an adult you do not have to associate with her and during times when you are both in the same room just be cordial, but as far as a relationship, you do not have to have one with her if you do not want one.

Just focus on you and your FI and the amazing, fun wedding you are planning.  Every family has a person or two that may be a bit of a headache but just keep remembering why you are planning this day in the first place.

calliopeia2013

I don't know; I actually don't think not being invited to your dad's wedding to your stepmom is that weird; I know when my FFIL remarried, my FI and his siblings weren't invited to the wedding- which, like your dad's was very small and just had, like, two family friends as guests.  And he gets along fine with his dad and stepmom, who are lovely people.

I really agree with PP about trying to just ignore her as much as you can.  One of my grandmothers is kind of like her- though my grandmother does love me, she can be totally self-centered and dismissive of anyone else's good news- like, when I told her I'd gotten engaged, she immediately changed the subject to a friend of hers with cancer.  (She's good at heart mostly, just totally socially out-of-it; not sure if that's the case with your stepmom or not.)  Mostly what I do is just ignore it and try not to take it personally.  My FI did at first, but by now it's turned into, 'Oh, it's just gramma being gramma."  And I DEFINITELY agree that if she wears white to wedding events, it's her who will look bad, not you.  If you ignore people who make spectacles of themselves, it never you who ends up looking bad.  (Same deal if she makes a scene about meeting your mom.)

You migt actually be able to use the engagement party as a test run for the actual wedding- as in, if your stepmom can't behave there, you'll know what you have to be prepared to deal with at the actual wedding.  Might even help you to head off some problems before they start.

MairePoppy

1) If your stepmother is making remarks about your mom to you, tell her you don't want to hear it.

 2) You really don't have any control over what she wears to your wedding, unless you want to make her a bridesmaid. (I didn't think so.) Trust that if she shows up in a white dress, the attention she will get will be negative. Her poor taste will reflect badly on her, not you, so don't even worry about that.

3) and 4) Your stepmother has a lousy personality. Avoid her as much as possible. If your Dad and she are paying for any part of the wedding, deal with your Dad on a one to one basis.

I agree that the large engagement party is the perfect opportunity for a test run.
Be polite, introduce her and your father to your ILs and then move on to your other guests. Enjoy your engagement party.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-step-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0005cd03-158c-4871-afd0-e38cf790486ePost:14b4b636-01c4-481a-b44c-c716203a87e0">Difficult Step-Mom</a>:
[QUOTE]My step-mom is going to prove to be more than a challenge for my wedding plans so any knotties who have any thoughts or tips please respond, here's where she is going to be trouble: 1) She hates my mother though they have never met face to face. (My mom left my dad nearly 10 years ago you would think she would be over it as my own mom is) 2) She is a huge drama queen and I fear she may become a mom-zilla! At some point I know she'll find a way to get the spotlight taken off me and my future husband on the day. She's even mentioned that she prefers wearing white to formal occasions! 3) She manages to find a way to spoil the fun by dragging her own sorrows into conversation. An example would be if we were talking about my fiance's family she'll remind us in no uncertain fashion that she no longer has any as her dad is in a mental insitiution for Dementia and her mom died three years ago. Oh, and she never allowed me to meet either of them when they were healthy. 4) She doesn't see me as her daughter. She speaks to me in a tolerating tone pretty much all the time. Whenever something extra wonderful happens she either says I am lying (which is so childish) or she'll bring the spotlight onto herself again. When we broke the news to her and my dad we expected Dad to freak. Instead he burst into joyful tears and hugged us both, she merely remarked that we were too young for such things. I wasn't even invited to the wedding when she married my dad. They only had two other people there, their neighbours. That's right, their nieghbours. <strong>Every parent I have told this to has said my father should be ashamed. But I dont blame him, he's just crushing his own wishes to make her feel better.</strong> I've just started planning and already I've come to my first hurdle with my fiance's family wishing to throw us a massive engagement party to let both sides get to know each other. If anyone has been through a similar situation please let me know how you handled it! Love from Scotland! MissJ
Posted by YoungMissJones[/QUOTE]

And they're all exactly right. Your father chooses to "crush his own wishes to make her feel better." She's not holding a gun to his head and forcing him to do that. Your father isn't blameless here.

RaptorSLH

1. Don't listen.  Leave the room if you have to.  For the wedding, sit them apart.

2.  This is not worth the fight.  Let her do it, and she looks like an immature brat.  Fight her, and you will lose, be stressed, and look like a bridezilla.

3. Change the topic or leave the room.

4. Don't give your dad a pass.  Whether any of this is worth an estrangement, or at least some distance is up to you, but he is making a choice to allow it.  Unless he's under some kind of sci-fi psychic control, he is responsible too.

Don't let her or your dady pay for anything.  With money comes leverage.

joyfulhappy1

Don't invite her to the wedding, isthat possible

joyfulhappy1

retread: yes I realize that is an insult but given the circumstances the father's tolerance of his wife's attitude towards his own daughter in an insult

joyfulhappy1

yes but it sounds like she has to "listen" to the rants and she is not even married yet. Either way she is going to have to listen to the crap, so why not enjoy her day and dis-invite the old bag