Moms and Maids

Strict MOB, FH likes to have a good time

I'm a 23 year old Louisiana girl who is MADLY in love with her Mississippi man, and finally after 4 years of dating WE ARE GETTING MARRIED! yay!

ok, so I have always held a very strong sense of respect for my mother and I have always done things to either impress or make her happy. She is older (63 year old) and VERY strict and stern and set in her conservative Baptist ways. That being said, she recently started crying when she opened my sisters fridge and found beer and wine, stating "I didn't raise you girls to associate with drunks." My mother has never had a drink in her life and confessed her deep disappointment in my sister and shame that she felt for being her mother. She said she is so against it that it would never be allowed in her house. All 3 of my sisters and my brother had church receptions immediately following the ceremony and no alcohol was served (They also had a budget of ONLY $2000 back in the early 90's)

ANYWAY, my problem is that FH and myself want to have wine and beer served at our reception for our guests that are coming in from out of town from college and my FH's hometown (since the wedding will be in mine, nearly 4 hours away). I only want to have a simple champagne toast, but my FH has expressed to me that the ONLY thing he cares about at the reception is if I'll be there as his wife and that his friends are happily drinking. I know that if he did not get beer and wine at the reception he would literally raise hell or skip out on pictures to go to the store himself to get some.

My parents are footing 100% of the bill for our wedding, and I'm very appreciative of that, but I'm afraid to piss my mom off and her be disappointed in me for having alcohol, that she would have to pay for. I want to make her happy, because I was raised a respectful southern belle, and we do not like to make our mommas mad. What do I do? I don't want to piss off my mom OR my future husband. I want to please him and his ONLY wish for the reception (after all it is HIS wedding too), but I don't want her to cry and be disappointed, because that would probably break my heart.

Advise PLEASE! I don't even know how to bring this up without getting upset myself or "breaking her heart"

Re: Strict MOB, FH likes to have a good time

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    She's paying, so doesn't she get to decide what it is she's paying for? The only way you're going to get booze there if you guys pay for it yourselves, anyway. So don't worry about that.

    Here's the thing, it seems as though your FH wants one thing and your mother wants another thing. If you choose alcohol, you end up disappointing your mother. If you choose no alcohol, you end up disappointing your FH.
    Am I getting that right?

    Here's another thing... what do you want? Forget about who you'll disappoint. Pretend for a second that neither of them will care. Do you want alcohol there?


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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Your mother shouldn't have to pay for alcohol if she doesn't approve of it.  Soooo.... if you want alcohol (or anything in life) you really should be paying for it yourself.

    Personally, as someone who is not related to these people, I'd try to find a compromise.  Are many of your guests like your mother?  Are many guests more like your husband?  Think about your guests here.  Would the majority of them enjoy a drink at your reception?

    If so, perhaps you can compromise with your mother on having only wine or only a champagne toast at the wedding (that you would pay for).  You two could also host an after party with alcohol that way your parents get the reception that they are comfortable with and you two get the party that you want.

    Regardless, your parents are paying.  You have to respect their wishes or turn down the money. 
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    The way I see this, you have 2 options.  You and FI pay for the wedding yourselves so you can serve alcohol, or your parents pay for the wedding and there will be no alcohol.

    Just from her over the top disappointment in your sister's refrigerator it is a given that she will not pay for it.  Are you thinking you can convince her of this?

    If they are paying 100% they get to call 100% of the shots if that is what they want to do.

    I think  you and FI need to pay for the wedding.

  • Zippy88kZippy88k member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Agree with everyone else--if she doesn't want alcohol, she shouldn't have to pay for it (and probably won't). I think having an after-reception is a really good idea. We had one, and DH and I changed into normal clothes (and so did many of our guests) and we got the opportunity to actually hang out with our guests, instead of doing all the obligatory stuff. Your mom will clearly be offended and uncomfortable if there is any alcohol; it may seem silly and outdated, but it's part of her religious beliefs, and your FI needs to understand that that's what he'll be dealing with the rest of his life.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should not ask your mom to pay for something that she believes is morally wrong. If your parents are paying for the wedding, then they are the hosts and have the privilege of deciding what they will provide for the guests.

    You and your H could host a party after the reception and serve alcohol at that. Let your mom know that alcohol will be served at your party. She will probably not want to participate in that.
                       
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_strict-mob-fh-likes-good-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:00ddb2f1-ca97-4606-a899-18002e07fb72Post:f2310ccf-8107-49bf-9b08-386c037413f0">Strict MOB, FH likes to have a good time</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a 23 year old Louisiana girl who is MADLY in love with her Mississippi man, and finally after 4 years of dating WE ARE GETTING MARRIED! yay! ok, so I have always held a very strong sense of respect for my mother and I have always done things to either impress or make her happy. She is older (63 year old) and VERY strict and stern and set in her conservative Baptist ways. That being said, she recently started crying when she opened my sisters fridge and found beer and wine, stating "I didn't raise you girls to associate with drunks." My mother has never had a drink in her life and confessed her deep disappointment in my sister and shame that she felt for being her mother. She said she is so against it that it would never be allowed in her house. All 3 of my sisters and my brother had church receptions immediately following the ceremony and no alcohol was served (They also had a budget of ONLY $2000 back in the early 90's) ANYWAY, my problem is that FH and myself want to have wine and beer served at our reception for our guests that are coming in from out of town from college and my FH's hometown (since the wedding will be in mine, nearly 4 hours away). I only want to have a simple champagne toast, but my FH has expressed to me that the ONLY thing he cares about at the reception is if I'll be there as his wife and that his friends are happily drinking. I know that if he did not get beer and wine at the reception he would literally raise hell or skip out on pictures to go to the store himself to get some. My parents are footing 100% of the bill for our wedding, and I'm very appreciative of that, but I'm afraid to piss my mom off and her be disappointed in me for having alcohol, that she would have to pay for. I want to make her happy, because I was raised a respectful southern belle, and we do not like to make our mommas mad. What do I do? I don't want to piss off my mom OR my future husband. I want to please him and his ONLY wish for the reception (after all it is HIS wedding too), but I don't want her to cry and be disappointed, because that would probably break my heart. Advise PLEASE! I don't even know how to bring this up without getting upset myself or "breaking her heart"
    Posted by abrooklee[/QUOTE]

    <div>Just like others have said. I doubt your parents (specially your mom) are going to foot the bill for alcohol and I can seriously bet that they will probably withdraw their money if you choose to have it at your reception. So this is what you AND your FI need to decide.</div><div>
    </div><div> Is having alcohol worth jeopardizing the money your parents are going to put out for your wedding?</div><div>
    </div><div>If it is then be prepared to start saving up to pay for the wedding yourself because there is a very good chance when you tell your mom you want alcohol that she will threaten to not pay for the wedding (specially since she has gone crazy once before). This is a problem that many Brides face when it comes to someone else paying for their wedding and having different views. There only a few ways to solve the problem and it is usually the B/G give into what the person paying wants to do, a compromise between both parties, or the B/G pay for their own wedding. </div>
  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_strict-mob-fh-likes-good-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:00ddb2f1-ca97-4606-a899-18002e07fb72Post:437ae284-47e5-4061-979e-8e0a8a0326e7">Re: Strict MOB, FH likes to have a good time</a>:
    [QUOTE]You should not ask your mom to pay for something that she believes is morally wrong. If your parents are paying for the wedding, then they are the hosts and have the privilege of deciding what they will provide for the guests. You and your H could host a party after the reception and serve alcohol at that. Let your mom know that alcohol will be served at your party. She will probably not want to participate in that.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This.
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  • nellrosenellrose member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My parents are the same way, and I broke their heart when I told them I was marrying a man not of our faith. (they got over it and we are on good terms again mind you)
    I've always been a little off to what my parents had in mind, for example having a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer out at the beach has always seemed acceptable to me. Here's how I dealt with it:

    First I came in with a good biblical standpoint. I reminded my parents about how Jesus drank wine, and how it is not a sin to drink, it is a sin to get drunk or to tempt others into drunkenness.
    Next I came in very nicely and I suggested that I would like wine at the tables for dinner. They were a little hesitant at first, but they realized they wouldn't be the only family there. They are not forced to drink it if they don't want to.
    Finally, I'm not opening up the beer and cocktail part of the bar until after the goodbyes are said. My parents also don't approve of us having a dance, so we simply decided to "end" the wedding, and have a small gathering of us left to dance the night away--just our very close friends.
    Your mother will be disappointed in you, but she will get over it and realize that her little girl is all grown up and can make her own choices, and that she loves you and is proud of you regardless. She is not going to be selfish enough to express her disappointment in you on your wedding day, she might do it after, but not on the day itself.
    Do what you would like to do, its your wedding, oh, and you will have to foot the bill yourself for the alcohol.
    Good luck..I know it can be tricky
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My grandma is the same way, so FI's parents are paying for the alcohol at the reception. 

    If you can pay for the alcohol yourselves and your mom still gets mad, just say, "Mom, I know you don't want to drink and no one will force you to just because it will be there, but this is what FI and I want."


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  • abrookleeabrooklee member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the insight, everyone. I'm just trying to work up the courage to have the discussion with her, its going to be especially hard since I still live at home.

    Wish me LUCK!
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