Appropriate gift for MOG - really?!

martha783

So I'm curious as to whether this is just me or this really seems inappropriate.

My fiance just told me he thought of the perfect gift to give his mother on our wedding day, to honor her for the 26 years she's cared for him. He's an only son, she's been divorced for 15 years and dedicated her life to her 2 children. So this is a big transition for her and that is hard for him in the sense that he's the man in her life and he's leaving the house - and he knows how difficult that is for her. And so his perfect gift to honor her? A ring.

He never anticipated this might seem ODD to me. That he gives his mom a ring on our wedding day. I told him that I would totally support whatever he decides to give her, but that I would prefer it be any other piece of jewelry etc except a ring because you give your WIFE a ring on the wedding day and it just feels incomfortable to me that you have another one for your mother.

I have a good relationship with her, we've never fought about her role in his life (we've been together 5 years so not too many surprises lurking)  and she's not controlling or any of the typical scary MIL things (especially since it's a latino family and we live in Latin America...and some cultural stereotypes have just cause). And she's supportive of our relationship and encouraged him to get married. But when I softly expressed my discomfort that the gift be a ring, my fiance responded uncharastically emotionally that I am trying to compete with his mom and that I'm making this about me when it should be about her and honoring her, and I don't appreciate her, etc.. And that no other gift will work because she hates necklaces and bracelets, and earrings aren't meaningful, and he wants it to be something she wears always.

So is a ring a normal MOG gift? Is my discomfort dumb?




 

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_appropriate-gift-for-mog-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02294f49-1df2-48a3-9b2b-343441d5d7c2Post:5f06f16f-2056-4881-af19-bbdf5fea3aa2">Appropriate gift for MOG - really?!</a>:
[QUOTE]So I'm curious as to whether this is just me or this really seems inappropriate. My fiance just told me he thought of the perfect gift to give his mother on our wedding day, to honor her for the 26 years she's cared for him. He's an only son, she's been divorced for 15 years and dedicated her life to her 2 children. So this is a big transition for her and that is hard for him in the sense that he's the man in her life and he's leaving the house - and he knows how difficult that is for her. And so his perfect gift to honor her? A ring. He never anticipated this might seem ODD to me. That he gives his mom a ring on our wedding day. I told him that I would totally support whatever he decides to give her, but that I would prefer it be any other piece of jewelry etc except a ring because you give your WIFE a ring on the wedding day and it just feels incomfortable to me that you have another one for your mother. I have a good relationship with her, we've never fought about her role in his life (we've been together 5 years so not too many surprises lurking)  and she's not controlling or any of the typical scary MIL things (especially since it's a latino family and we live in Latin America...and some cultural stereotypes have just cause). And she's supportive of our relationship and encouraged him to get married. But when I softly expressed my discomfort that the gift be a ring, my fiance responded uncharastically emotionally that I am trying to compete with his mom and that I'm making this about me when it should be about her and honoring her, and I don't appreciate her, etc.. And that no other gift will work because she hates necklaces and bracelets, and earrings aren't meaningful, and he wants it to be something she wears always. So is a ring a normal MOG gift? Is my discomfort dumb?  
Posted by martha783[/QUOTE]

What kind of a ring are we talking about here and when is he planning on giving it to her?

If it is a diamond ring he'll present at some point during the ceremony or reception, yeah, I wouldn't be on board with that.

I think a nice gesture would be to privately give her a mother's ring with his and your birthstones in it.

warpedredpenguin

I don't see the issue, and I'd be fine with it, but if it bothers you, it bothers you. However, it really has nothing to do with you, it's between him and his mom. Unless you two share finances, and he's spending more than you can afford or something like that, then it's your issue too, but for a different reason. I think really the only thing you can do is suggest he give it to her privately, maybe before the ceremony, and not make a public spectacle out of it, because that would probably bother me. But you really don't get a say in the gifts he chooses for his mother, unless you're helping to pay for it. 

Sharpschruter22

I don't see what the problem is. I mean...we aren't talking that he would present the ring in the middle of the ceremony, right? I have no idea why you are taking issue with him giving his mother a ring and think you are seriously overreacting.

erinlin25

My thought would be that while the idea does sound odd, I would think as long as its not a part of the wedding ceremony itself, and more of something he gave her in private, it shouldn't be a big deal.  I like the idea of something simple with your birthstones.  I wouldn't be comfortable if she received a "wedding" like ring cause yeah that is a little creepy.  He's marrying you, not his mother!

MairePoppy

I don't think it's strange, at all. Let your fi give his mom a gift that will mean something to the two of them. A ring with his birthstone in it would be very nice.

Just to be sure - he's not going to make this part of the wedding ceremony, right? That would be wierd.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_appropriate-gift-for-mog-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02294f49-1df2-48a3-9b2b-343441d5d7c2Post:759eadc5-7808-44c7-b9db-315f463bca1e">Re: Appropriate gift for MOG - really?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Just be sure he chooses something that YOU like, too.  Chances are you will inherit it from her someday! :)  My mother had an amazing collection of good jewelry.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I don't agree with this at all.  It is for his mother and nobody else.  There is nothing that says OP has to wear it if she inherits it.

DH's family gave me the diamond watch wedding gift from FIL to MIL when DH and I got married.  They thought I'd take the diamonds and have new pieces of jewelry made.  I would never even consider it because of the sentimental value, and when I die, the watch will go to MIL's only granddaughter.

Peledreamsofrain

I agree that it's a tad bit odd. But I disagree that it's the fact that it's a ring.  I think it's the timing.

I mean the wedding day shouldn't be one where the new husband is focusing on his mother beyond the mother-son dance.  Call me self-centered, but I wanted my husband's attention on my wedding night.  Circulating, dancing, and pictures are one thing, spending a really long time away from me exchanging private gifts with people is another.

I would think that the gift would be more appropriate BEFORE the wedding.  Perhaps the night before, during the rehersal dinner, or take her out to dinner as a couple and present it as a sign of BOTH of your affection.  You're going to be a social unit now, and giving a gift together would be really touching.

2012FutureMrsB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_appropriate-gift-for-mog-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:02294f49-1df2-48a3-9b2b-343441d5d7c2Post:2dbfdc05-815e-4c77-9d84-2234f567f962">Re: Appropriate gift for MOG - really?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that it's a tad bit odd. But I disagree that it's the fact that it's a ring.  I think it's the timing. I mean the wedding day shouldn't be one where the new husband is focusing on his mother beyond the mother-son dance.  Call me self-centered, but I wanted my husband's attention on my wedding night.  Circulating, dancing, and pictures are one thing, spending a really long time away from me exchanging private gifts with people is another. I would think that the gift would be more appropriate BEFORE the wedding.  Perhaps the night before, during the rehersal dinner, or take her out to dinner as a couple and present it as a sign of BOTH of your affection.  You're going to be a social unit now, and giving a gift together would be really touching.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Totally agree! At first I thought a ring would be a really bad idea too, but then I remembered that my brother, sister, and I bought my mom a ring once with our birthstones. I think that would be a great gift, as PP's have said. I would definitely NOT give it to her during the ceremony - I'm with you OP on that one. Give it to her at the RD or in private. I think that would be an excellent compromise between you and your FI and he should be willing to at least consider this idea.</div>

theelusive1

A ring the day of your wedding odd if it is during the ceremony.   Odd if it is a diamond.  If it is a birthstone of his and yours or his and a sibling in a non ceremony time it would be fine.  What about the night before? 

martha783

THanks everyone for your thoughts on this. It helped to hear from quite a few who think my discomfort is petty. Perhaps it is.

When he said he was thinking of some sort of band with a stone that she'll always wear because she doesn't have a wedding band (being divorced) that just felt odd, as some of you have confirmed it would for you. The birthstone idea hadn't occurred to him (they're not big in the country where we live) but maybe I can suggest his birthstone because that would seem more appropriate to me too. As far as when, I HOPE he wasn't thinking ceremony (I didn't ask that! and am waiting for an appropriate moment to reapproach the topic since he was quite upset last time and we had to drop it) but I would feel more comfortable if it wasn't public - it being a ring and a speech + ring seems a little like a ceremony - even though I would like him to honor her publicly. I still don't love the idea, but I guess I can warm up to it. Gifting a ring on ANY other occasion would not feel strange at all to me, so I guess maybe I can suggest the Mother's day which falls just a couple weeks before our wedding too.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_appropriate-gift-for-mog-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02294f49-1df2-48a3-9b2b-343441d5d7c2Post:a7c80f13-b78e-4f3b-a803-2ce3e366bd92">Re:Appropriate gift for MOG really?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, unless he's giving it to her AT the wedding ceremony, I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't even think it's an issue if it has diamonds in it, since nothing about diamonds is exclusive to weddings and "traditionally" wedding bands didnt have diamonds in them anyway. <strong>As someone who had to watch DH go through the wedding process without his mother, I would have let him buy her anything short of a white ball gown and veil to wear on our wedding day had she been alive to see it.
</strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Same here.  I never even got to meet her,

martha783

Oh, and she has a daughter so I doubt I'll inherent any jewelry but thinking if I like the ring would seem super selfish- any gift for her should be what she likes! ANd yes, we are sharing finances, but I have no issue with whatever he wants to spend on his mom- that's his decision. Those were non-issues for me....just a little discomfort with being the other woman getting a ring on that day!

theelusive1

Okay but his reason was because she is not married and will wear it always?   So like on her left hand ring finger?  I know we can't choose where people wear jewelry but that was kinda odd.
I think I would say I have been looking for a ring for your mom and found these.  xxx show him some nice mothers rings with the kids birthstones in them.

Sharpschruter22

If your wedding is a couple of weeks after mothers day, I think mothers day would be the most appropriate time to give it to her. She can choose to wear it on whichever finger she likes, but I hope she won't wear it on her wedding ring finger..that might scare away any future suitors. I definitely like the idea of his birthstone being in it. I wasn't trying to be rude by saying I have no idea how you are making a big deal out of it and I realize it could come across that way. I just really don't think you should be offended or feel like the spotlight will be taken off of you. You're the bride, no one can show you up. I definitely think mothers day is the best time to give it to her, then your problem is solved. Good luck with the discussion and keep us updated please.

Peledreamsofrain

I'm sorry, but if my husband's mother got a ring from him on our wedding day that she wore on her marriage finger, I would run run ruuuun! straight up creepy, on both their parts.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_appropriate-gift-for-mog-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:02294f49-1df2-48a3-9b2b-343441d5d7c2Post:5f06f16f-2056-4881-af19-bbdf5fea3aa2">Appropriate gift for MOG - really?!</a>:
[QUOTE]So I'm curious as to whether this is just me or this really seems inappropriate. My fiance just told me he thought of the perfect gift to give his mother on our wedding day, to honor her for the 26 years she's cared for him. He's an only son, she's been divorced for 15 years and dedicated her life to her 2 children. So this is a big transition for her and that is hard for him in the sense that he's the man in her life and he's leaving the house - and he knows how difficult that is for her. And so his perfect gift to honor her? A ring. He never anticipated this might seem ODD to me. That he gives his mom a ring on our wedding day. I told him that I would totally support whatever he decides to give her, but that I would prefer it be any other piece of jewelry etc except a ring because you give your WIFE a ring on the wedding day and it just feels incomfortable to me that you have another one for your mother. I have a good relationship with her, we've never fought about her role in his life (we've been together 5 years so not too many surprises lurking)  and she's not controlling or any of the typical scary MIL things (especially since it's a latino family and we live in Latin America...and some cultural stereotypes have just cause). And she's supportive of our relationship and encouraged him to get married. But when I softly expressed my discomfort that the gift be a ring, my fiance responded uncharastically emotionally that I am trying to compete with his mom and that I'm making this about me when it should be about her and honoring her, and I don't appreciate her, etc.. And that no other gift will work because she hates necklaces and bracelets, and earrings aren't meaningful, and he wants it to be something she wears always. So is a ring a normal MOG gift? Is my discomfort dumb?  
Posted by martha783[/QUOTE]
I don't see anything wrong with giving his mom a ring. My MIL loves jewelry so H gives her rings, bracelets, earrings, all the time. It's not the same thing as giving you a ring. Yours is placed on your finger for commitment to you and on your MIL's as appreciation.

glassysea

A few weeks ago, I saw a groom give a rose and a hug to a special woman who had raised him (sister, in this case), at a wedding, and I thought it was a really sweet part of the ceremony. Maybe your groom can give a flower to his mom to honor her during the ceremony and a ring on the night before at a rehearsal party. 

SKPM

In Response to Re:Appropriate gift for MOG really?!:[QUOTE]I'm sorry, but if my husband's mother got a ring from him on our wedding day that she wore on her marriage finger, I would run run ruuuun!

straight up creepy, on both their parts. Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

This was my initial reaction as well. But I agree with PPs, making it about his birthstone and giving it on Mothers Day would reduce the weird factor IMO.

LeeJane25

Martha, I would feel uncomfortable, too. My mother-in-law is also divorced, and a few years ago for her birthday, her two sons bought her a birthstone ring. Nothing weird about that, except I do find it a little strange that she wears it on her left ring finger. Maybe I would feel differently if I had children and understood the mother-son dynamic, but it's always struck me as odd. 

With your situation, the son wants to give her a ring on your wedding day -- I also would not be okay with that. I think it's nice that he's acknowledging her with a gift, but a ring? on your wedding day? Something has to give. If he really wants to do the ring, then maybe give it to her at the rehearsal dinner, or as you suggested, on mother's day prior to the event? I was about to say that I would be okay with him giving her a different piece of jewelry on the wedding day, but actually, I'm not. That day is about the two of you. You get a day -- this day. Can't she be honored on any of the other 364 other days of the year?