Momzilla!

alndudle

I was waiting for it, and it finally happened: Mom used the dreaded words, "Well, I"m the one paying for it!" We were discussing the guest list. Our venue only holds 350, we were hoping to keep it "small" at 250 (we both have large families, and kids are invited) and right now our list is at 340 (hoping and praying that our handful of single friends don't bring a "plus one"). My parents have generously offered to pay for the food for the wedding... his parents are not financially able to help, and we are paying for everything else. Does she still get to dictate who gets invited, and how many we invite?

ootmother2

If you don't like her conditions, pay for your own wedding.

She who pay, says

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:028a41a5-93f3-44b2-b31e-5ce102e9198aPost:970f6108-7e74-41fc-8587-6e7145579adb">Momzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]I was waiting for it, and it finally happened: Mom used the dreaded words, "Well, I"m the one paying for it!" We were discussing the guest list. Our venue only holds 350, we were hoping to keep it "small" at 250 (we both have large families, and kids are invited) and right now our list is at 340 (hoping and praying that our handful of single friends don't bring a "plus one"). My parents have generously offered to pay for the food for the wedding... his parents are not financially able to help, and we are paying for everything else. Does she still get to dictate who gets invited, and how many we invite?
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]

Pretty much, unless you want to compromise on helping her pay with any "extras" that you/your FI may want. But yes, since she is helping pay she gets the final say on how many guests are invited. If she can only budget for 250 then compromises must be made, be it you pay for certain people you want, etc. That is the risk of having someone help you pay for your wedding, if you want control of who is and is not invited then you have pay for it yourselves. Money=strings aka power so be prepared for mom to throw the "I'm paying card" out when you two are disagreeing on things like the guest list.

SD3194

She's not a momzilla...she sounds like a very generous woman whose forking over a ton of money for your wedding.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:028a41a5-93f3-44b2-b31e-5ce102e9198aPost:970f6108-7e74-41fc-8587-6e7145579adb">Momzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]I was waiting for it, and it finally happened: Mom used the dreaded words, "Well, I"m the one paying for it!" We were discussing the guest list. Our venue only holds 350, we were hoping to keep it "small" at 250 (we both have large families, and kids are invited) and right now our list is at 340 (hoping and praying that our handful of single friends don't bring a "plus one"). My parents have generously offered to pay for the food for the wedding... his parents are not financially able to help, and we are paying for everything else. Does she still get to dictate who gets invited, and how many we invite?
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]



I'm not saying that your mom should have full control because it is yours & FIs wedding, not hers.  But you won't find anyone on these boards that won't tell you the same thing, sorry.

I'm MOB and my exH & I paid for the entire wedding, ex rings and HM.  The only requests we made was that the invitations be formal, refecting the formality of the wedding and that we would like them to have a band, not a DJ.  We discussed everything along the way but it was their call, bottom line.

GL

alndudle

You people are absolutely no help whatsoever.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:028a41a5-93f3-44b2-b31e-5ce102e9198aPost:5863d186-f743-442b-9a22-aaf9e80e75eb">Re: Momzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]You people are absolutely no help whatsoever.
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]



Help is just agreeing with you?  Not going to happen here.

You asked, we answered

alndudle

I guess I was looking for suggestions on how to settle a disagreement, not just a bunch of "you're screwed" posts.

ootmother2

Okay, have you tried sitting down and discussing your wedding plans with your mom (and dad if available)?

alndudle

Yep. No luck. Mom wears the pants in the household, and "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." She's exactly like her mother. I'm actually surprised that this is the first time she's mentioned it, since we've been engaged 6 months now. We've had the guest list discussion already, cut it down to 280 (including children) and now she's back up to the 340's.

ootmother2

So you want it smaller and more intimate and mom wants a bigger show, right?

How's the guest list split up?

Generally, the B&G get 1/3, Grooms parents 1/3 and Bride parents 1/3, that seems fair, right?


Is there a dispute about who gets the number of guests?

SD3194

Are you mad because she's inviting too many people or mad because she's not including people you want invited?

MairePoppy

Are you saying your mom's list of 340 does not include any of your friends? Wow!
Unfortunately, if she is paying for the food, that gives her plenty of leverage with the guest list. Tell her you will pay for your own guests and see what happens.

SD3194

And if you knew she was going to take control and be a pain in the first place why would you agree to accept her money? We're paying for our own wedding because I don't want to deal with my family pulling that crap.

vicki0508

Sorry OP - if you wanted your wedding your way with no input from anybody else, then you should've paid for it yourself.

alndudle

As a graduate student, I had a research job until August, when my professor passed away unexpectedly, which meant I was automatically laid off. I've applied for other jobs at my university, but my entire department knows I'm getting married and moving in 6 months, so they won't hire me (most labs require at least a 3 year contract). If that hadn't have happened, I would have been able to pay for the entire wedding and reception completely on my own. We've already discussed this situation with my parents, and we are paying back every single cent. I'm very appreciative that my parents have even offered to help us out, but we agreed on 250 or less.

The way it is now, 80 are his family, 10 are my friends and his friends combined, 150 are my family, and the rest are mom's friends that we "have" to invite.This is the third time we've discussed the guest list and attempted to cut it back down.

bablingbrooke

I appreciate your situation; I'm a grad student too and finding it very hard to find employment.  Our parents generously paid for our wedding.  We accepted that that meant they would have the final say in a lot of things, including the guest list.  In the end it was worthwhile.  You may consider it a loan, but they clearly don't.  So you have two choices: accept the large guest list that comes with the money, or decline the money and pay for it yourself, thereby granting yourself the freedom to invite whomever you want.  But you can't have it both ways here.  

alndudle

Since she's so concerned over the financing, I think I'm going to spin it in such a way that she'll see my side of things. Hopefully she'll see that fewer guests means more money she gets to keep.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:028a41a5-93f3-44b2-b31e-5ce102e9198aPost:8781377f-0640-4bf3-917a-e1f52cf759be">Re: Momzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]Since she's so concerned over the financing, I think I'm going to spin it in such a way that she'll see my side of things. Hopefully she'll see that fewer guests means more money she gets to keep.
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]
Try it ONCE, then stop pressing the point.  If she's willing to pay for them, you need to let it go.  There are a lot of worse things in life than your parents and ILs wanting to spend gobs of money on you and your FI so that as many people as possible can share it.  Consider this one of the good problems in life.  <div>
</div><div>If you were paying and they were pulling this, I'd totally have your back.  Or if one side was paying and the other was trying to foist an extra 100 guests.  You'd be totally justified in being upset in either situation.  But in <strong>this</strong> situation, you need to either accept the strings that come with the money or decline it altogether.  I don't know how many times you need to be told this before it sinks in.</div>

AutumnFair

You won't be the first Bride to not know half the guests, I've been to plenty of weddings where the parents are paying and basically invite every person they know to come. All those Brides still had a great time at there wedding. If you really can't compromise with her in getting her guests down (yeah, usually showing her how much she saves sometimes brings some people back to reality), just leave it alone, they are paying for it and you should just be grateful they decided to help you out since you lost your grad job. If she goes over 350 then you have a little more claim with telling her she can't exceed fire code but other than that you really can't do much because she has the "I'm paying card". Sorry.

Muffin'sMom

Add up the dollars...per head...and ask her if she would take all of those people out to dinner and pay that kind of money for them.  Is she paying for the bar too?  Those numbers also add up.  Even if the tab is reasonable, it can REALLY start to add up.  Lets say mid range...50 per head for dinner and another 20 per head for booze is 70 per person times 340 is 23,800 dollars.  YIKES!  Then add up the extra tables, linens, staff, centerpieces, favors....you see where this is going!

aerinpegadrak

Unfortunately, when someone is paying for your wedding, they can do anything from writing you a check and asking when to show up to telling you when to show up and doing the rest of it themselves.  And anywhere in that spectrum is entirely their choice, and your only option is to either accept both the terms and the money or reject both.  It sucks, but there's no way around it.  If you're not paying, it's not your party.  You're the guest of honor, but not the host and thus not entitled to make hosting decisions.  Ideally the host will involve you in the process, but they're under no obligation to do so.  That's just how it is.

I fully appreciate being in school and unable to afford a full-out wedding, but the only things two consenting adults really need to get married are a marriage license and whatever combination of officiants and witnesses is required by their state or county.  Everything else is extra.

RebeccaB88

$amount Mom puts up  + $amount you can afford = $amount you have available to spend. 

$amount to spend (divided by) $amount per head = number of people you can invite.

Adjust budget or guest list accordingly. 

If you have $10,000 to spend at $100 per head, then you can invite 100 people.   (Just an example.)

Put it all in black and white and show her.  Either she ponies up, you pony up, or the list gets cut.  She may have no clue exactly what things cost or how quickly it adds up.

IAmLymelady

Your mother is very popular.  She has literally 100 friends who simply have to be there.

If it's being treated as a loan, explain that while you appreciate that she is paying for the wedding, you don't want to have to pay her back for 100 extra people, plus any costs associated with changing the venue if it has to come to that.

Also keep in mind that not all 340 people will come; while you need to be prepared for that many guests, it is very unlikely that everyone will RSVP "yes."  As long as you don't invite more than the venue can hold, you should be fine where the venue is concerned.  If you don't need to pay your mother back for those people, it's probably best to just let it go and say, "The more the merrier."  It's not like 240 people is a small, intimate gathering in the first place, an extra 100 probably won't hurt in terms of comfort and how much you enjoy the event.

mkrupar

Anyone else notice OP is "hoping and praying their single guests don't show up with a +1" OP if they do and you didn't invite them witha +1 then they're in the wrong, not you. If they RSVP for a +1 when you didn't give them one you call them up and let them know the invitation was only for them.

I think you and your mother need to sit down and look at the hard costs like PPs have said. When it's in black and white it's hard to deny the extra amount those 100 people are going to cost your mother. But, if she's willing to pay for it, then you can't stop her.

Heather8505

If it is a loan from your mom that you are paying back, then I disagree with everyone saying she paid so you're screwed.  Let your mom know how much you can afford and how many people that equates too; let her know that she is welcome to invite more if she is willing to pay but that you will not be able to repay more than x amount.

Manwaithiel

I'm so confused. Your mom is LOANING you the money? Then no, she doesn't get to force you to "borrow" more money than you're willing to.

But if she's simply paying for it...then that's tough luck. My parents are doing the same thing too. I've got UNCLES inviting THEIR cousins to our reception. Is it ridiculous? Yes. Is it my mom's problem? Yes. They're paying for it, and it's her siblings doing this, so SHE gets to handle all that. I might have to be introduced to like 20 people at the reception, but oh well.

joiner521

I have found that the "moms" thinks it is their show too. Tell them to throw there own party.