Clingy Mother In Law

avandenbroek18

My name is Amanda and have been searching for any advice for the situation that I am in. However, not many people have the same issue. My fiance' and his mother own a business together. Well, we bought it this year because it was becoming too much for her and she wanted to semi-retire. I completely understood and wanted to help in any way I could for the man I love. I quit my job to help my fiance' run this business. About two months or so into it, she would stop in on occassion and question the things that I was doing and telling me that she never did it that way or wouldn't do it that way. I was hurt because I was only trying to help her so she wouldn't have to work and she could spend more time with her grandchildren (Not my children, my future neices). It finally reached a point to where my fiance' and I would argue over everything because she was still tied into everything. She still had clients and things she needed to tend to. I could never make the business what she wanted and she would always have a rude comment or a rude look to go with whatever I was proposing or doing.
Now we have finally really started planning our wedding. We waited for quite some time to get the business in order. After about six months, I actually had to step away from the business. And it was not only because of his mother but because of issues I was dealing with outside of work. So now she will not even speak to me, which I can understand. But you have to understand that she was already working back at the business, taking control of everything, and was finally much happier. Or so it seemed to me. My fiance' is a momma's boy but it has really started to get to me. She texts all the time, calls all the time about anything and everything, and still has him call when he gets home from work.(He is almost 26 years old and has been living on his own since 20).
I am a total people pleaser but I have my own issues with my mother in law and don't really care at this point. I have tried involving her before  in bridal shows and even trying on wedding dresses and she has declined. I want to make my fiance' happy and his family but there are such hard feelings for all of the rude and unexplained things she has done or said. I have gotten advice to put on a happy face and just to deal and once the wedding is over, it will be all ok. I don't think it will because my fiance' and her own a business together!
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! I feel like I'm left in the dust and feel like the bad guy, when I know it's not true. She doesn't like my parents and I am completely stressed for all the upcoming events!! SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE PLEASE!!

(Sorry it was so long. It felt so good to finally vent!)

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_clingy-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02e76159-dc8d-4e3e-adbb-d9a745f9f546Post:dffc18d8-72b6-4517-afaa-e6ccb43a2c3b">Clingy Mother In Law</a>:
[QUOTE]My name is Amanda and have been searching for any advice for the situation that I am in. However, not many people have the same issue. My fiance' and his mother own a business together. Well, we bought it this year because it was becoming too much for her and she wanted to semi-retire. I completely understood and wanted to help in any way I could for the man I love. I quit my job to help my fiance' run this business. About two months or so into it, she would stop in on occassion and question the things that I was doing and telling me that she never did it that way or wouldn't do it that way. I was hurt because I was only trying to help her so she wouldn't have to work and she could spend more time with her grandchildren (Not my children, my future neices). It finally reached a point to where my fiance' and I would argue over everything because she was still tied into everything. She still had clients and things she needed to tend to. I could never make the business what she wanted and she would always have a rude comment or a rude look to go with whatever I was proposing or doing. Now we have finally really started planning our wedding. We waited for quite some time to get the business in order. After about six months, I actually had to step away from the business. And it was not only because of his mother but because of issues I was dealing with outside of work. So now she will not even speak to me, which I can understand. But you have to understand that she was already working back at the business, taking control of everything, and was finally much happier. Or so it seemed to me. My fiance' is a momma's boy but it has really started to get to me. She texts all the time, calls all the time about anything and everything, and still has him call when he gets home from work.(He is almost 26 years old and has been living on his own since 20). I am a total people pleaser but I have my own issues with my mother in law and don't really care at this point. I have tried involving her before  in bridal shows and even trying on wedding dresses and she has declined. I want to make my fiance' happy and his family but there are such hard feelings for all of the rude and unexplained things she has done or said. I have gotten advice to put on a happy face and just to deal and once the wedding is over, it will be all ok. I don't think it will because my fiance' and her own a business together! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! I feel like I'm left in the dust and feel like the bad guy, when I know it's not true. She doesn't like my parents and I am completely stressed for all the upcoming events!! SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE PLEASE!! (Sorry it was so long. It felt so good to finally vent!)
Posted by avandenbroek18[/QUOTE]

First, paragraphs are your friend. It makes it easier to read. :)

Second, where does your FI stand on all of this?  What does he say when his mom is rude to you?  What does he think of his mom coming back to the business and pushing you out of that picture?  What does he think of her calling and texting all the time? Have you expressed to him that you may or may not be comfortable with his mom and her actions towards you (either you by yourself or you as a couple)?

The bottom line is that your FI needs to be supporting you. If you are uncomfortable and he doesn't care, you have a problem. If he is putting his mom's needs before yours, you have a problem.  If he thinks his mom is too clingy and isn't standing up to her, you still have a problem but at least then the two of you are on the same page and then he just needs to grow a backbone.

Honestly, things will probably only get worse once you are married.  But you need to have a talk with your FI and find out where he stands. I hope it all works out for you in the end.

MairePoppy

The problem is that your Fi already has a life partner - his mother. She sees you as an interloper and he has not corrected her. Your situation is not going to get better, unless your fi decides that you are the most important person in his life. Before you firm up that wedding date, you and your fi should get relationship counseling.

zitiqueen

You want my advice? Don't marry a momma's boy. Unless you want to be the third wheel in your marriage, that is. If your FI isn't willing to stand up to Mommy now, what makes you think he will just because he has a piece of jewelry on his left hand?

Who gave you the "just put on a happy face and all your problems will disappear after the wedding" advice? That's horrible advice. Wedding rings don't make problems disappear; they just make them permanent.

Get this sh!t hammered out now, before the wedding. Think long and hard about the lifetime you are willingly signing up for by marrying this one.

shoebie

She must be divorced or a widow? It will never change either talk to him air it all out and fix it now, or move on.

OliveOilsMom

I agree with PP that you need to speak with your FI about this.  You need to do it in a calm and even toned way.  But you must get this out in the open before you two get married.  Pre-martial counseling could help and I recommend it for anyone getting married.  It was required by our church for marriage preparation, but it was so much more helpful then I ever thought it would be.  This could also be a nuetral place where you can bring up the problems with FMIL and have a person to help lead the conversation between you & FI.

What happens when you have children?  Do you think she will just sit back and let you raise them the way you want?  No, she will continually tell you how you are doing it wrong.  You need to do this and that.  It will be like this for the rest of your life.