FMIL guilt over guest list

nerdybride13

My fi and I have been together for nearly 8 years and are getting married in March. We spend a lot of time with his family because we live very close to them and up until a few months ago, he was still living at home. We agreed on a guest list of 80 ppl and we are paying for the wedding ourselves, with my family picking up some of the costs (parents paid for dress & invites & etc, my grandmother paid for photographer, and my cousin is dj-ing for free) and his parents are just hosting the rehearsal dinner.

Since we first started talking about our guest list, his mother has been trying to get us to invite  "her list" of guests. When this was first brought up I asked her for a list so we could try to accomodate them, and she never did. Sticking to a guest list of 80 has been hard for us because we have many friends we'd like to invite but didn't because this is what we budgeted for. My parents are not inviting anyone and I am feeling pressure to invite "her guests". Some of these people are older people she works with and we don't really know and some are from another state "who probably won't come anyway" and she hasn't seen in 10+ years. Our wedding is during Spring Break season and it would be just our luck that these extra people would decide to come and we'd have to figure out how to pay for extra people.

My fi has tried to explain this to her but it doesn't seem to help. We told her we might have some space and that she could invite 4 people but she gave my fi a list of 12! I think she wants to send invites expecting people from out of state not to come but to send us a present. I think it's incredibly tacky and it makes me really uncomfortable.

My mom has sent out invitations already and we're still dealing with this dilemma. My mom thinks I should stop trying to fight this and send out the invites, or suggest we send out announcements after the wedding instead, but I feel like this is unfair to me and my fi because we're paying for the wedding and his parent's aren't helping. This is giving me a lot of anxiety, please help!

Maggie0829

First, make sure your venue can fit the additional people, then have your FI tell his Mom that if she would like to invite these individuals then it will cost HER $X per person. 

EDIT: and make sure that $X include everything from extra table cloths to extra centerpieces, food, drinks, etc.

SJM7538

Tell you FMIL that you can not invite guests just because "the most likely won't come." And she isn't paying so she has no say in this.

What if they do come? Then you're stuck with them. If your venue can accomodate the extra people tell her she can invite them if she is going to cover the extra cost. I know for me tacking on an extra 12 people would add at least $600 to my over all cost.

MairePoppy

Don't assume those guests will decline, no matter what your FMIL says. You're right about the situation. You shouldn't accommodate her extra guests when you and fi and your parents are limiting yours.

If you do decide to take Maggie's suggestion, make sure you have cashed her check before you send out those invitations.

AddieCake

Maggie's idea sounds like the perfect way to handle this. If she can afford it, awesome. If not, then she will see what she is asking of you is unfair if she expects you to host 92 people while she can't even manage to host 12!

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-guilt-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:02f257f5-4aee-42b1-8945-931c0d898b59Post:cc427cf6-7677-4b4b-874d-8929aed3a011">Re: FMIL guilt over guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, what everyone else says. Never, never, never count on anyone not showing up, even if they live across the globe.  They can surprise you.  Lots of brides have gotten unlovely shocks. "FMIL, our budget just can't stretch for twelve more people.  Do you want to cover for them? If not, we just can't swing it.  Perhaps we can get together with them at a future occasion."<strong> I think you're correct about her fishing for presents.  Lots of parents see their child's wedding as "payback time" for all the gifts they've bought for the children of their friends for THEIR weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc.</strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I believe this is why my FIL's guest list is so large.  Part of it is they are italian and very old school so a lot of extended family is invited but there are also a ton of family friends who me and FI have never met but his parents attended their children's weddings and I think they feel like those people now "owe" us a present.  But, they are footing the bill for the guests my parents budget cannot accommodate so it is what is is.

theelusive1

I hate it when people are in for the gift grab.  It is usually the parents that have given gifts to friends/family for years and when their child gets married or graduates they invite everyone.  I know people who make sure they give $5.00 more than the person who gave them a gift so they look bigger.  Come on people stop it.     It is my mother who wants to add to our daughters guest list.   I told her she gets 1 plus 1 and thats it.   She told me who she wanted invited.  I said no you invite your cousin as your plus one.  I will send your invite tammy and guest and you invite her from there as your guest.  I do not want to add this person to the guest list and send her an invite because she is engaged and then it will be 2 more people coming.  no no and no.    Cost, count, what ever the reason do not let your future MIL invite those people.  

seeversa

I'm going through this now. Our guest list was around 100 and my FMIL wants to add 50! I dont know what to say. She acts like we cant say no because they will pay for the extra people, but thats not the point. I added it up and it will be atleast $1500 to add her guests. Id rather have her help in another way then pay for a whole bunch of people that neither of us knows well.
I feel your pain sister.

nerdybride13

Thanks for the advice ladies. She agreed to pay for her guests if we are over our 80 person limit. It's crazy how crazy people get over guest lists!